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Author Archive for KGB

[●REC] - Film review by a simple film buff

I was never an easily scared person, and most horror films were and still are merely jokes for me. By third grade I was seeing ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ and thinking, “Now that just doesn’t make sense”. Because you see, there’s a new sub-genre going on in cinema - for this case, let’s just call it old-concept-remade-with-certein-factors-jumping-at-you-out-of-the-darkness-every-few-minutes-and-trying- to-scare-the-shit-out-of-you horror films, and you might as well have some examples to present of this new sub-genre. So They came and showed me this trailer for a film, it’s called ‘Rec’ they said, and all I saw in the two trailers was a girl screaming and people screaming while watching the film. Yawn. Takes more than that to scare me. But hey, I’m a curious person, so I had to check out what was all that screaming about.

I wish I hadn’t. Though I’m still pleased I did.

The main character in [●REC] is Ángela, a spanish reporter portrayed by Manuela Velasco (that, if I may say, is so hot that she actually manages to distract you from the horrors on screen at times), that together with her cameramen is out on the field checking out how firemen do their job at night for a TV show. When a low priority call about an old lady screaming in her apartment reaches the headquarters, Ángela and Pablo, her cameramen, rush to the scene together with the firemen to check out what’s going on. They find out the police is already there, and they go up to the apartment to find an old lady, covered with blood and looking like she’s about to bite somebody.

And she does. The policeman.

Having a fatal wound, the firemen take the policeman down so they can get him on an ambulance, but discover that the police, together with the army, has the building on quarantine. And things are about to get stranger…

Oh shit, just don’t make me think about it. [●REC] belongs to the subgenre known for us as old-concept-remade-with-certein-factors-jumping-at-you-out-of-the-darkness-every-few-minutes-and-trying- to-scare-the-shit-out-of-you horror films, but it does it so good that you will barely notice. I don’t know what was it, but I literally felt pain with every zombie jumping on screen: the atmosphere was so intense and everything before it was so damn scary that at some point you want to grab your keys and run the fuck away from your house. I nearly gave up on this film, at least once for sure.

Did I say atmosphere? Well, let me explain. For those of you who don’t know, [●REC] was filmed, as it’s premise hints, in one hand camera, and the cameraman himself is a character in the film, as you might remember. Of course you will inmediatly say ‘Blair Witch Project’, but believe me, everything that The Blair Witch Project lacks this film has multiplied by 10. This was as scary as… I don’t know what to compare this with. This really was one of the scariest things I ever saw, though to be honest, 90% of all horror films I ever saw were crap.

And the great thing is, all you need to do [●REC] is the will to do it. You don’t really need much - camerawork is mostly spontaneous, dialogues are most probably improvised, and you don’t need more than class B actors and one seriously hot reporter. All you really need is a good location, knowing how to work out well a basic concept and one hell of a make-up department - and these three and perfectly covered.

So in a few words, what makes [●REC] better than other low-budget horror films, or so many films in general, when it’s actually quite a simple film? Well, it’s planned extremely well. The atmosphere, as I mentioned, is built so that it reaches a point where you believe it can’t get more intense, and then a zombie jumps out, kicks you in the stomach and prove you oh so wrong. It’s really a film I wouldn’t miss if I’m looking for a good scare; sadly enough, next year the american remake is coming out and will obviously ruin everything [●REC] managed and will become a low standard old-concept-remade-with-certein-factors-jumping-at-you-out-of-the-darkness-every-few-minutes-and-trying- to-scare-the-shit-out-of-you horror film. But this here, this spanish low budget horror film, this thing I can’t get off my mind - oh, this is some serious shit. Even if you’re not much into horror films, I think you can’t miss this one. What is it I enjoyed so much about nearly crapping my pants? I don’t know, but whatever it was, I enjoyed it. Oh, and did I mention Manuela Velasco is fucking hot?

The Enigma of Uwe Boll

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You might be all like, WTF. Or maybe you have read that one post that clearly proves that Uwe Boll is a fucking madman, and you’re not surprised but rather slightly amused. Not as amused as when he literally beat the crap out of critics who didn’t like his films (that is, everyone), but hey, he’s a media bitch and it’s always fun when there’s a new Boll story going on.

Well, just for you, I’ve decided to look back into this story to check out what it’s all about.

Shit, I thought I would have to dig a little to find info about this. Appereantly he said it all in the director’s commentary of Alone in the Dark: Boll is recieving his funding from Germany, where a tax flaw allows the investors to live hapily ever after (you can read all about it here; take your time to read it, it’s gold material). So appearently Uwe Boll is one motherfucker that makes how many terrible films he wants to, then goes on public bitch talking and crying for attention, makes no profit at all from the films and still gets out on the upper hand. That’s right folks, Uwe Boll has a fucking film-industry scam.

So what does this have to do with the video? Maybe nothing. But the fact is that this german law had been eliminated over two years ago, and while Uwe Boll is probably not going to be punished for taking advantage of it (since he wasn’t actually abusing it). I might be getting it all wrong, don’t take me as a trust-worthy source, after all that’s why I provide the links.

Still, I’m guessing that even though a lunatic, this man is not stupid. Boll knows what he’s doing and he probably know that it’s time to find a better plan, maybe some pyramide scheme or something. So a petition comes on, and Uwe Boll screams for attention again and says, ‘I want 1 million votes’. Then he goes on, blah blah, another petition. It might have nothing to do. We will probably see Uwe Boll again, my friends; but this might be the beggining of the end.

And for conclusion, just a quote in case you didn’t open that last link, out of an interview with Uwe Boll:

QUESTION: Why do you use choose to shoot many films in Vancouver?

UWE: Good locations and crew. Labour tax rebates.

The guy’s a fucking monster.

David Lynch solves your problems

David Lynch can solve problems:

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And there are more where that came from. Honestly, the other ones are much funnier.

Rolling Stone’s Top 25 Music DVDs of All Times

No new posts, people? Well, I guess it’s up to me then…

So I’m in a good mood because I saw Bob Dylan last night. He was about 50 mts. away from me, which by itself is a good reason to pay 100$ (pesos). And in this good mood I thought, ‘Why wait for someone to write a post? Let’s go and write it’. So I looked up for good material, and reading through my copy of Rolling Stone [Argentina] I came across a list of the ‘Top 25 Music DVDs of All Times’ according to Rolling Stone. Well, here they are (along with links to their respective Criticker entry):

 25. U2: Rattle and Hum (1988)

24. The Devil and Daniel Johnston (2005)

23. Tupac: Resurrection (2003)

22. The Harder They Come (1972)

21. The Old Grey Whistle Test, Vol. 1 (2002)

20. The T.A.M.I. Show (1964)

19. End of the Century: The Story of the Ramones (2003)

18. Deep Blues: A Musical Pilgrimage to the Crossroads (1991)

17. Madonna: Truth or Dare (1991)

16. Dig! (2004)

15. Elvis: ‘68 Comeback Special (1968)

14. Hype! (1996)

13. The Kids Are Alright (1979)

12. Sex Pistols: The Filth and the Fury (2000)

11. I Am Trying to Break Your Heart: A Film About Wilco (2002)

10. No Direction Home: Bob Dylan (2005)

9. Purple Rain (1984)

8. Stop Making Sense (1984)

7. Wild Style (1983) [It's a shame this film is not on Criticker, I haven't seen it but it sounds fascinaing]

6. Gimme Shelter (1970)

5. Metallica: Some Kind of Monster (2004)

4. Woodstock: Three Days of Peace and Music (1970)

3.  A Hard Day’s Night (1964)

2. Monterey Pop (1968)

1. The Last Waltz (1978)

Well, there it is… You might notice through the links that Criticker users have quite a different idea of the list. If only there was a general PSI info… Vincente, how about it?

The future of the film industry in our own universe

OK, so you people (is anybody even reading this?) are having to many blog posts lately, and I’m one to blame for that. I was going to wait a few days to post this, but this is really bugging my mind, it’s 2:00 a.m., I’m shuffling my iTunes library (currently listening to ‘Maybe I’m Amazed’ by Paul McCartney), and I have nothing better to do. Well, as Dylan said, “When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose” (sidenote: I’m going to see him live next friday! Hooray!). That was a great song, you know? I hope it’s coming up in my shuffle party. And yes, there will be links.
As you might know already, a ‘Get Smart’ film is coming to theatres starring Steve Carrell as Agent 86. Interesting casting, If I may say. The trailers didn’t look too bad neither - some redundant visual gags, but then again, it’s ‘Get Smart’ people. And as Argentina has the habit of dubbing whatever the hell they can as if nobody can read here, I never got the chance to see ‘Get Smart’ without an annoying voice-over in spanish, thus never got the chance to see ‘Get Smart’ at all. So I downloaded a few episodes, and… Hey, it’s a great show. Hey, ‘We Can Work It Up’ came up. Yeah, I love The Beatles.

Anyway, as I was thinking of the great episodes I saw and of the trailers, I just thought, WHY? They weren’t bad, as I said, but comeon… In 1966 a ‘Get Smart’ film was planned and didn’t turn out in the end, so instead the scripts were made into three episodes in the fourth season, ‘A Man Called Smart’, pt. 1-3, satisfaction guaranteed. Hmm, The Byrds are up.

But it didn’t bother me too much, you know. It’s just one remake, but it turns out it’s more than one. You might have heard of the ‘Horton Hears a Who‘ remake, the film following ‘Sex & the City‘, and the Wachowski Brothers’ (or maybe brother and sister?) ‘Speed Racer‘ (is there a worse way to ruin a childhood memory? Oh yeah, Mike Myers’ ‘The Cat in the Hat‘. Just about proves my point). Only now you hear it all together, and suddenly it’s quite disturbing, isn’t it?

Well that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. It wasn’t until I read this article when I started to panic. Was it the writer’s strike that caused all this? Oh, who am I kidding? Hollywood was like this all along.

 You see, ever since the beggining of films we were adapting whatever crap we managed to get our hands on. The first narrative film (although it’s open to discussion) itself, ‘A Trip to the Moon‘ (our friendly user dharmabum offers the film in his mini-review, if you’d like to see it), was loosely based on the works of Jules Verne and H. G. Wells. But it wasn’t until 1993 when Hollywood proved us how adaptations can go horribly wrong, when a depressed 43-years-old film executive came up with the brilliant idea that will eventually destroy us all: FILMS BASED ON VIDEO GAMES. Give me an H-Bomb any day of the week, people.

OK, I’ll avoid bitching about how fucked up Hollywood is just because I’m currently listening to Van Morrison’s ‘Moondance’ and I’m in a good mood. But if some Pixies suddenly appear, Hollywood’s getting it big time… OK, forget I said that. I mean, just look at that list. THE SIMS MOVIE? Is that a fucking joke? Appearantly, it isn’t. Variety is reliable, after all… Really, the article makes my point clear enough, but still: what the fuck will The Sims movie be about? Try to answer that honestly. Can you make an acceptable plot to a Sims movie, that will still be related to the film? I guess that Fox wasn’t there when the rights on Monopoly were sold, so they just grabbed whatever the fuck they found before some hobo will take it, write a novel adaptation and send it over to Penguin.

Ohh, Jerry Lee Lewis. I like the guy… OK, I’m chilling out. This is probably a long post by now, so if you’re still reading this, I want to ask a question (and imagine me in a Michael Moore over-the-top deep voice as I say this): what is this world coming to? Crap on T.V., crap in films, considering today’s enterteinment it seems the whole human race is nothing but retards. And if you ain’t frightened by now, well, give it time. It will catch you while reading some Kafka or listening to some emo music (not that they are depressing - their existence is) or a good Pink Floyd album on a certein mood, as I am right now listening to ‘Hey You’. And just to give you some good stuff to wash the horrible things you just witnessed (live action Dragon Ball? Are you serious?), see posters of adaptations that thankfully will never make it to the real screen. I hope.

Hell, I need some Sex Pistols now, I hope they come up. You know what, fuck that. I’m putting some Pistols myself. ‘Anarchy in the U.K.’, that’s the stuff.

So in conclusion, I hope you liked the post. As you might see I’m not very good at fully expressing myself, but I hope I got the messege out: Hollywood is driving down a cliff which will eventually lead to it’s inevitable ending very soon. No? Would you believe a two-years-crisis that will bring consequences that will cost Hollywood about 1.6 million dollars? How about two Scary Movie sequels cancelled and a Terry Gilliam project indefinitely delayed?

Movie Quiz! Movie Quiz!

Well, I might not have the reputation of giving you long, reading-worthy posts, or bringing you news about the craziest filmmaker since the makers of ‘Troll 2′, and I might happen to have the reputation of being the lazy guy who brings some links that could entertain you for about five minutes… Well yeah, that’s about me.

And this time, I’ve brought you a cool movie quiz. There are four of them. You’ll see a picture, and will have to recognize the film it comes from. While some are terribly easy, some of them might be confusing while others will be stright impossible.

Well, share your scores! Mine are:

Quiz 1 - 20 / 30
Quiz 2 - 22 / 30
Quiz 3 - 13 / 28
Quiz 4 - 11 / 30

The future of the film industry in a parallel universe

Hello, my name is KGB and you might know me from those far overreacted mini-reviews that most probably annoy the hell out of everybody. Sorry about that. Anyway, this is my first and proud post in the Criticker Blog.

The writer’s strike is over, thankfully, which means the Oscars weren’t cancelled and Jon Stewart now has to find new material. But, how would Hollywood look one year from now, if the writer’s strike wouldn’t have ended? A photoshop contest at cracked.com has a rather twisted and sad idea of what the world would look like.

Not Another German Expressionism Movie

Link: Next Year’s Oscar Nominees (If the Strike Doesn’t End)

KGB’s Criticker Profile