Evan Almighty

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Tripwyre
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Evan Almighty

Post by Tripwyre »

Yay, I get to be the first person to use the new feature! And I'll start with a review of the scathing variety, because if 500 characters can be limiting for writing a glowing review, they're a down-right prison for a putrid one. In case you can't tell, I absolutely hated this movie. Anyway, here's the review:


http://www.criticker.com/film/Evan_Almighty/


I don't even know where to begin describing this horrific monster. What a painful way to spend an hour and a half -- wait, this was ONLY an hour and a half!?!? I guess time moves slowly when you'd rather kill yourself than go on living watching this movie.

Remember Evan Baxter, Steve Carrell's character from Bruce Almighty? Sure you do, he had that one scene where Jim Carrey used the powers of God to make Evan flub his lines. It was kinda funny. This movie, is not. This movie also apparently does NOT remember Evan Baxter, because this movie could (and should) be about a completely different character. Evan Baxter, news anchorman, spends all of 25 seconds anchoring the news in this movie. We begin on-air with his co-anchor congratulating Evan on his successful campaign to become a congressman. They at the news have a surprise for Evan on what is apparently his last day on the job: a brief campaign montage video, stressing Evan's slogan "Vote Baxter and CHANGE THE WORLD." Well that was convenient.

I wish I had a dollar for every time they said "change the world" in this movie. I won't even take the whole movie (that would be greedy), just in the first 20mins alone. That might be enough to recoup my losses after watching this piece of crap for free. Evan spends a good deal of time locked up in his office worrying about how he will change the world. You would think it would be difficult to get elected without having ANY platforms, but apparently all you need to be a congressman these days is an ambitious tag-line. Convenient. Evan is so worried about it he turns to his wife, Joan (Lauren Graham), who asks him if he's prayed to God about it yet. Evan scoffs. "I don't think religion is for me," he says, or some stupid shit like that. But Joan of Ark is all "Changing the world is a very big task, honey. If were you, I'd be asking for all the help I could get."

So, unsure of whether or not he should sign on in support of a bill proposed by Congressman Fatt-Corupt (John Goodman, looking like it was stocking the snack table that put this thing way over budget), Evan looks to the sky and prays. And God answers...by pulling kooky juvenile pranks on Evan. Fun for the whole family! Evan has to build an ark, because there is a flood coming. There's some sort of Santa Clause thing going on where Evan transforms into Noah: God won't let him shave, cut his hair, wear suits or look remotely presentable. He starts out looking homeless and ends as Gandalf the Grey. Isn't it hilarious?!!? God also tells Evan about how people often misinterpret the flood story. "It's about coming together, two by two," he says. Yep, that's it. People coming together. Five people anyway, while God washed the rest of them out of existence. Genocide? No. People coming together.

Would it surprise you to learn that this movie cost an estimated $175 MILLION to make? And that's not even promotional costs. The only logical explanation is that handling and maintaining movie-star animals is incredibly expensive. But if it's THAT expensive, this movie should never have been made. Maybe they were banking on a built-in Christian audience to turn out in droves like they did for, say, The Passion? But this isn't about how tough it is to be Jesus, it's about how tough it is to be an American Christian. Somehow, the hardships don't ring in on quite the same level.

In closing: few laughs, ridiculous melodrama, overt religious overtones, TERRIBLE soundtrack. Did I say few laughs? It all comes down to one question: What Would JC Do? He passed on this sequel, and you should have too, Steve Carell. DON'T do the dance. Ever again.

One last thing: Another Daily Show alumnus shows up as the news anchor in this one: Ed Helms. According to IMDb, his character's name was apparently Ed Carson. I'm now waiting on Ed Almighty to round out the trilogy. In the spirit of this sequel, it will be about a man who leaves the news after 30 seconds to become an astronaut who talks with God. There are talks of actually sending Helms and Freeman into space (for the sake of realism), and the movie should cost more than $500 million to make.
Last edited by Tripwyre on Fri May 22, 2009 10:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MmzHrrdb
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Re: Evan Almighty

Post by MmzHrrdb »

oh shit, you're from BC? Hows the bud?

Melvin Smif
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Re: Evan Almighty

Post by Melvin Smif »

I also like how God calls two of every kind of animal from around the world so they can survive the flood of a tiny area they wouldn't have been in to begin with.

Tripwyre
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Re: Evan Almighty

Post by Tripwyre »

Radicalohank wrote:oh shit, you're from BC? Hows the bud?

Not good enough for this movie. Actually now that you mention it I think I was high when I watched this. What a waste.

MmzHrrdb
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Re: Evan Almighty

Post by MmzHrrdb »

there is no weed on the face of this planet that could make Evan Almighty enjoyable. Maybe if i did crystal meth i would probably find it halfway interesting, but i dont do meth so i dont know... If i was a cutter I would cut myself while watching this movie in a heartbeat.

epiphany
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Re: Evan Almighty

Post by epiphany »

The historical significance of your review automatically garners a star. This is like the L'Arrivée d'un train à La Ciotat of Criticker.

KGB
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Re: Evan Almighty

Post by KGB »

I agree with you on every sentence, and I'm sorry for your loss, but with all that weed you should be the one feeling bad for me having to be constantly running from police cars for smoking a piece of shit with more crap chemicals than actual marijuana. Anyway.

What really pissed me off about this film was the final scene. I admit I watched only 40 minutes of it, gave up and came back just for the last 15, but what I've seen was enough to bring this film down, unless it became fucking Citizen Kane in the moments I wasn't there. My thoughts about the final scene are neatly (or so I'd like to think) expressed in my mini review:

Freeman: "You changed the world." Carell: "No I didn't." Freeman: "Well, let's see... You spend time with your family, you're taking care of that dog..." No kidding, that's what he says. THAT'S NOT CHANGING THE WORLD MOTHERFUCKER. That's making an easy buck by selling a product slightly resembling a previous, more succesful one. Happy ending? YOU DESTROYED HALF A MAJOR CITY. New Orleans wasn't an happy ending. Neither was the 2004 tsunami. Fuck Hollywood and their nonexistent moral sense.

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