Before I start this review I want to get one thing abundantly clear. I did not willingly go to see "Night at the Museum: Battle For the Smithsonian". Not once in my life, nor will I ever for the rest of my life, ever, ever, ever willingly go to see a movie like this. I just need to know that whoever is reading this is aware of this, because being labelled as someone who might actually, you know, watch a movie like "Night of the Museum: Battle For the Smithsonian" would actually be 61.8079 times worse than dying. I was forced against my will to go and see this movie with a relative, and because they were paying for my ticket it would have been wrong to say, "no". It would have been rude, but if I knew the movie was going to be this bad I might have actually just said no to their face.
To call this movie unfunny and immature would actually insult the nature of immaturity itself. To call it poorly-executed would be like calling the girl in "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" who tries to hide from Jason on the boat and gets impaled the most realistic actor the horror genre has ever seen. You know, it doesn't actually bother me that much that the "humour" is immature and aimed at really young kids. I have seen a lot of immature movies in my time; some movies actually have the power to make immaturity seem funny, eg. the "Scary Movie" series. It's just the fact that this film is so lazy, incompetent, messy, atrociously-executed, poorly-made, inept and manipulative that it's just plain disrespectful to the audience and that pissed me off enough to give it a grade of 7/100, exceptionally low for my ranking standards.
I just sat there, for about two hours, staring at the screen and the only thing I was interested in thinking about was how, and why, movie theatres project the movie image at 50fps as oppose to the 100 and 120fps you see in most LCD screens. A still shot of a brick wall would have been more entertaining and productive. Counting the bricks in the brick wall was funner than anything in the movie. This is the kind of motion picture I would not even wipe my ass with due to fear of catching whatever brain-cell destroying syndrome it has buried within the film master.
One good thing did come out of it, however. Because of this movie, I am now 100% fully faithful that I am not going to a movie theatre again until I am an adult. This was already my stance on the matter, but seeing this movie was just a big, painful, but important, reminder of how much it sucks. Not only because every single time I go there I see people I used to know from my school - and hate with a roaring passion - not just because there are bogans and I fear for my safety, not just because it takes so long to get in, not just because it costs a fucking ridiculous amount just to watch a movie, not just because there's often one hundred or more people there. But because worthless and degrading cinematic abortions like "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" are being passed off as childrens' entertainment nowadays.
Oh, but "hang on," some of you are saying (in my head). "Aren't you like fourteen or something....fifteen....this movie wasn't designed for you." No, it wasn't designed for me, but only because I'm not mentally retard and/or a blob of clay/putty. I love a good childrens' film; "The Lion King" (1994) is my fifth favourite motion picture of all time, so I obviously like what childrens' films can deliver. They don't have to appeal to the lowest common denominator. They don't have to be dumb. Most people don't seem to realise this, but childrens' films can - and should try to be - intelligent. A movie can appeal perfectly to children and adults alike without there being any interference.
But then I look at the state of modern mainstream Hollywood cinema and sigh for the state of the universe. Thank you, "Night of the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian", you have just been one big, bloated, obnoxious reminder of why I don't go to see movies anymore. It's not reasonable that something this lazy and spiritually inept is given funding and being produced and released to certified human beings.