General Discussion : Favorite Mini-Reviews

[jacobb1313]

Check out Shebang's reviews for a laugh.

One of my new favorites courtesy of Shebang:

For The Animal:

It's technically not bestiality when Rob Schneider attempts to fuck a goat.

[Anomaly1]

^^^lol
Here's another good one from Shebang, for Shrooms:

Get back to me when they make a horror movie about salvia.

Some other people:
The Great Train Robbery

"The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford" if made by Bela Tarr. Then sped up a lot.

"You mean, these moving pictures can be used to tell stories?" he said with obvious incredulity, arching his eyebrow to such a degree his monocle became dislodged and fell aside.

Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe

Werner's insightful and fascinating to listen to, but he also comes off as the kind of guy you could totally hang out with, have a beer, maybe eat a shoe

A movie whose daffiness and insight befits its title, Wener Herzog Eats His Shoe imparts, among other things, the wisdom that it isn't self-destructive to jump into a cactus.

[Melvin Smif]

pkafka's review of The King of Masks:

Nearing the end of his life, Wang -- a locally renowned street performer and wizard of the venerable art of mask magic -- yearns to pass on his technique. But custom prescribes that he can only hand down his craft to a male successor. Anxious to preserve his unique art, the heirless Wang buys an impoverished 8-year-old on the black market. When the child divulges a dreaded secret, Wang faces a choice between filial love and societal tradition.

The Netflix description of The King of Masks:

Nearing the end of his life, Wang -- a locally renowned street performer and wizard of the venerable art of mask magic -- yearns to pass on his technique. But custom decrees that he can only hand down his craft to a male successor. Anxious to preserve his unique art, the heirless Wang buys an impoverished 8-year-old on the black market. But when the child divulges a dreaded secret, Wang faces a choice between filial love and societal tradition.

Bravo!

Wow what are the chances of that happening! I wonder if pkafka knows?

[Melvin Smif]

I've always enjoyed Trypewire's reviews-


-Haunted Mansion-
I saw this on a plane and it was deadlier than snakes. I'd ask what happened to Eddie Murphy, but I never found his schtick very funny to begin with. Instead, I'll say this: between this and Elektra, does Terrence Stamp have to feed some sort of crack addiction he's not telling us about? After Pirates of the Caribbean was so wildly successful, I suppose this movie was inevitable, but if you've noticed there haven't been any "ride-inspired" films since... Well, here's why.

[overrated]

This thread should be revived.

The Silence of the Lambs

ADVENTUROUS DRESSER STALKED BY FASHION POLICE

American Beauty

I like this movie but the scene with the bag is beyond terrible. Wanna see the most beautiful thing I ever filmed? Then he shows her a video of a bag blowing in the wind. Wow scene, you are a cunt

Starship Troopers

As I watch this I can't help but picture Verhoeven stumbling around the set, affecting a palsied gait, going "HURRRR HEY GUYS LOOK I'M ROBERT HEINLEIN DURRRRRR FASCISM"; that's the level of satire we're working with here. And I love it.

and, because I find cock jokes hilarious at the age of 25, anything by this relatively inactive user. I think I'm responsible for like half of his stars.

As Good As It Gets

Jack needed to shout more. A lot more. Really loudly, while stamping his feet on the ground, especially while other people are reading their lines. Also, he could have painted his nuts red and dangled them out of his fly

on a more serious note

Videodrome

'Videodrome', the Cronenberg film, operates precisely as 'Videodrome', the film in the film, and that's what genius about it. It distortions the barriers between reality and hallucinations, it provokes, it is sick and powerful. Honestly, 'Videodrome' is one of the most bizzare american productions I have ever seen, and it delievers a simple message through the complex, disturbed mechanism that it is, somehow involving a twisted romance, a neo-noir and a political conspiracy all at once

Ran

Ranks with Harakiri as the best film from Japan. Whereas Kobayashi restricted his tragedy to a single family, Kurosawa provides no such barrier to the tide of misfortune and despair at the center of Ran. I don't think I've seen another film quite as nihilistic. In contrast to its ugly core is some truly stunning color photography. The castle battle is at once horrifying and breathtaking. It really does play like a "daytime nightmare". A powerful film with one of the greatest final shots ever

Eraserhead

Do you ever lay in bed at night, not being able to sleep, panicking about your life and the direction it is heading, feeling like there's a tightening rope around your chest, and it all just makes you want to scream? That is Eraserhead.

[sixx]

Precious

Pickpocket wrote:
Monique is a fat, angry black chick that plays a fat, angry black chick. Writing is lazy and uninspired, giving one of the worst expositions I've ever witnessed. "How can we cram in every single thing you need to know about this character in 3 minutes? I've got it, horrible voiceover!" Poor use of film, could've just read about it and been just as bored. And the next person that says Sidibe is beautiful is officially labeled as gay. About what I should've expected from Tyler Perry and Oprah.

Barb Wire

croy51 wrote:
One point for each STD I would have given to Pam Andersen. (7)

[movieboy]

The assasination of Jesse James by Coward Robert Ford
Mini Review by Wangmaster

Oh my fucking lord, I started watching this film about 6 months ago and im pretty sure its still going on.

[ZayanK]

All of boobjuice's reviews ought to be mentioned here.

[TheDenizen]

boobjuice has some pretty funny ones, unfortunately he/she has been inactive since December 2008.

[Ununnilium]

Count me as another who likes Trypwyre. My favorite: Power Rangers: The Movie.

A bad movie, there's no doubt about that. But my 8-year-old self loved it so darn much and I played the shit out of the GameGear tie-in game. That has to count for something. Any movie that can bring back fond memories of playing GameGear is a winner in my books. Too bad there's not a Surf Ninjas movie. UPDATE: There IS a Surf Ninjas movie! The game was based on a movie the whole time. A movie...about the game!! I am so happy right now, words can't describe.

Some other excellent ones:

Alice in Wonderland

Tim, I think we need to talk. I want us to start seeing other films. This just isn't working for me, and I've been feeling this way for a long time. I've told you time and time again to plant the red roses, yet you keep planting the white ones and I refuse to keep up this nonsensical painting business. I guess this is goodbye. PS: Stephen, call me later.

Spirited Away

It has a way of making you feel vulnerable and naive, just like that snot-nosed little kid you once were. One of the best animated films of all time and with a score that just fits so well with the theme and feel of the movie. You can stop crying now inner child, eating a lot of Japanese food really wont turn you into a pig.

People sometimes laugh at me when I giddily describe this film as "magical", and they will continue to laugh at me because goddamnit, "Spirited Away" IS magical. A strange and wonderful coming-of-age tale about a young girl who takes an incredible journey and discovers her inner strength. And no, I'm not CRYING... my allergies are just acting up! Stop laughing at me!

Being John Malkovich

This movie is a guy who tries drugs for the first time and it has a mild effect on him then the side effects start to kick in and the world gets drearier and drearier then he starts to take more drugs only it makes things worse and worse until he just commits suicide.

Mortal Kombat

My favorite terrible movie. Even the theme song, which will never really go away, is wonderfully stupid

Watchmen

The film has some drive if no depth, some ideas if no examination, some wonders if no wondering. It is stuffed and full and devoutly accurate, as if breathlessly recounted by the young fan Zack Snyder moments after finishing the final issue fresh from his friendly neighborhood comic book shop. There's no doubt from watching his film version of Watchmen that he read and loved it. For all that evident enthusiasm, it's perhaps unkind but not inaccurate to speculate whether or not he understood it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II

Did any other kid ever wonder how Shredder's costume could change because of the ooze effect? No? It doesn't matter? I'll have my juicebox now, please.

Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves

I have what amounts to a 'kiddie movie hell' here on Criticker; a place for horrible films that didn't feel the need to try simply because they were made for children (they get a score of 30). This does not belong there. Ok, so its not a very good movie but its not terrible (especially for a direct to video feature). Maybe I just have a soft spot for Rick Moranis, but I'd rather watch this than Good Burger, Jungle 2 Jungle or any of the other god awful kid's films that I had to watch growing up.