Artemis Fowl

500 characters is not enough to adequately describe the sheer length and breadth of awful this movie contains. From taking out any interesting characterisation from the books and replacing it with sanitised cliches, to the wooden performances, disastrously hurried pacing, and nonsensical direction.....it is truly a perfect storm of dogshit.

This some proper YA sludge, a faded xerox of Harry Potter crossed with Da Vinci Code. Like a third of the movie is this siege on this one house; I think they overestimated how interesting that set piece would be to take up that much of the film. Hollywood has also overestimated how much I care to see of Josh Gad.

Directed by Kenneth Branagh. He does not deserve to continue living on this wretched earth without anyone knowing he directed this.

Absent character, relationship, and discernable plot, written by an idiot with daddy issues who's never read a book, and starring a wooden puppet in place of a 12 year old boy, this unwatchable mess of a film leaps from nonsense to garbage and back again so fast it can't even pretend to make sense of itself. Bad AF.

Kenneth Branagh directed this? is this the film equivalent of a James Patterson novel, where his name is on the cover but some random wrote it? Josh Gad's voice in this is anti-ASMR.

Subtract points for ruining my beloved book series. Everyone gets boiled down to a generic trope. TONS of voiceover exposition. Why even make an Artemis Fowl movie if it's not going to resemble the source material? Why is Judi Dench and others using a raspy Batman voice? I don't want to hate the kid but he's got a bad haircut to go with the poor lines. Not convincing as a child genius criminal mastermind. Comical LEPRecon and supposedly fearsome Butler. Fav scene: first look at Haven City.

Surprisingly limp and dour handling of this material by Branagh, who seems to be going to great efforts to quash any chance of fun by directing his actors to be as po-faced and earnest as possible (even his lucky charm Dench doesn’t bring the tart side-eye which might have made her character if not explicable, then at least more enjoyable). Ends with an overly familiar crash-and-bang finale that falls completely flat, as the last of the air escapes the movie.

I've never read the books and I've had issues with the fandom, yet I feel bad for the fans of the novels still. I'm being generous in my score but only because I guess a 7 years old could maybe enjoy it for the visuals

I've read the books. Only managed to watch the first 10 minuets.

I've never read any of the books but this was shit.

Terrible. Did not live up to the book in any way. It failed to show Artemis as being a genius in any meaningful way. And the addition of the MacGuffin, bleurgh. Most importantly, where was the Root I expected? Certainly not here. The only cool bit was the brief shot of the fairies lining up outside Fowl Manor after stopping time.

Artemis Fowl is an atrocious adaptation and a downright terrible film. From the miscasting to the bad acting; the incoherent screenplay to the woeful script; the lacklustre direction to the spastic editing; how did it go so wrong? The effects are okay, but it still comes across like a movie made for the Disney Channel. Culturally, Artemis Fowl replaces Avatar: The Last Airbender as the worst adaptation & Ferdia Shaw replaces Jake Lloyd as the worst child actor. Colfer should be ashamed.

oddly enjoyed this despite the fans hating it.

Sabah sineması. Artemis Fowl zeki 1 zengin çocuktur. Babasının kaçırılması sonucu, perilerin kullandığı Aculos'u bulması gerekmektedir. Yardımcı olacak olan periler evine gelirler. Fikir iyi. Ama senaryoda çok sıkıntılar var. İşleyiş kötü. Konuyu çok düşünmezsek, tam 1 eğlenceli popcorn filmi. Periler, devler, cüceler, zebaniler, troller ne varsa var. Filmin sonunda, baba kurtuluyor. Gözünde çok büyütüyorsun.

Oh Judy Dench, between this and Cats I hope you've fired your agent. I'm not particularly attached to the books. I think Colfer is good at coming up with outlandish creatures, but terrible at actual wordbuilding. But hearing Artemis yelling "He's not a criminal, he's my father!" told me that this movie has no clue about what makes the books enjoyable. Also, it should have been made four years ago, then the kid playing #5 in Umbrella Academy could have played Artemis as he was clearly born to do.

Every arc in the movie is vague and generic. We see too little of the fairy world and the father's background is lacking and wonky. "He is the keeper of peace between the worlds". Besides storing an artifact, what has he done so far to achieve that peace-keeping goal? The dialogues are cringy, except the gluten joke. All 18 points of my score go towards that joke. Finally, the visuals are not too shabby, but nothing to warrant seeing the movie.

Generic Disney financed adventure film where the people and presentation didn't convince. Those are things you see more and more in modern Disney productions. What made their films so great in the old days was the attention to detail in the characters. Now they're all soulless and unrelatable.

That was just ... bad. Even without referencing the source material it was bad. Too much exposition, special effects that looked like they were from 20 years ago (the troll!) and so many characters that were introduced but could have been completely left out of the movie without anyone noticing. And what was with the ending? Did we run out of budget? Or was it a oh-my-gosh-it's-late-and-gotta-get-home moment? Hopefully they won't ruin it further with a spin-off show or sequel.

Oy vey. I can't say I was expecting much out of this. After all, I've never read the source material, so I don't know anything about it. But this movie is all over the place and for the most part...I'm not entire sure what's even going on - and lord have mercy, Josh Gad's voice....blech. Biased: 42% | Unbiased: 60% | Predicted: 48%

The making of "Artemis Fowl" on its own deserves a motion picture.

AVOID