Assassin 33 A.D.

Baffling. It puts itself in the context of hyper-American Evangelicalism, but its treatment of the subjects of its theology is less worshipful and more like wacky historical fiction - the sidekick gets to banter with Jesus, and at one point, the main character gets in a full-on argument with him and the two guys next to him while he's nailed up on the cross. Combine with a surprisingly consistent but still ridiculous conception of time travel and you get something absolutely unique (derogatory).

This is historically bad in every single way, which naturally means that I loved watching it.

When a family gets hit by a truck in the first 150 seconds, and all you can do is laugh because 10 seconds prior the Stepford Wife dropped an embarrassing line about miracles, you know this movie's gonna suck. And it does. Irredeemable Christian slop starring dollar-store Bradley Cooper and more-jacked Sheldon Cooper. This movie should be offensive to Christians, honestly. Nice ode to "only cowards kill themselves", though, glad you got that one in, you dopes. Fuck everyone involved in this.

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