Cool as Ice

I don't think I need to write a snarky review...I'll just quote the tagline and let you be the judge: "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." Seriously, I don't even know where to begin with everything that's wrong with that statement...How do you melt stone? And where does she go to school? Beverly Hills? I'd be generous if I said she looked 30.

(Rewatch: starting to love ironically. WTF house. Fav scene: the dancing, while silly, is very skillful.) RiffTrax 70/100. How did Vanilla Ice get popular in the '90s? Who decided to put up money for this film besides Vanille Ice promoting his idealized version of himself? Is his gang a parody of rap tropes? Or was it a precursor of "oh so random" of the 2000s? Minter was cute before the implants. Ice had a very punchable face while disrupting suburbia. "Drop that zero and get with the hero!"

don't let the rating fool you, you should definitely see this.

I watched the events unfold, I sat there expressionless . I was in shock, I knew where I've seen this gusto camera work. SCHINDLERS LIST.

One of the greatest good-bad films I've ever seen. The musical numbers, the precocious profanity-spouting child, Mr. Ice "acting", it all has to be seen to be believed.

"Drop the zero and get with a hero."

To call this movie a series of music videos in disguise would be to give it far too much credit; it's several music videos thrown into a blender with pieces of Nickelodeon sitcoms, Lifetime dramas, horror movies, and of course, terrible teen dramas, all pureed together until unrecognizable. At least Vanilla Ice only has two rap numbers, but in place of more, we get him as a character who's just a mass of red flags in the rough shape of a human. Simultaneously overstimulating and boring.

You might think a movie starring Vanilla Ice would be "so bad it's good"... But it's not. It's just bad.

I thought this would be 'so bad it's good', but it wasn't. It was just terrible.

There was some diss levelled at Shady in 8 Mile that inspired me to follow it up with the Vanilla Ice movie. It's actually hideous, a real drag, and Vanilla Ice is a major douchebag.

There's bad, and then there's an hour-and-a-half Vanilla Ice music video bad. There is so much wrong - the rapey date a high schooler thing (the bed scene, my God), bizarrely casual pulses of violence, the overall look that just screams the early '90's in general - that it's perversely watchable, in a curioso time capsule way. In my top tier Whitest Movies Ever Made.

Cool as Ice was so bad I actually lost interest in it about half way through so I can't really provide a good review other than it was so tedious that I lost interest in it about half way through.

Strange, strange, STRANGE movie. Nope nope.

I also thought this would be 'so bad it's good', but it wasn't. It was just terrible.

I'm rating it this high because it really is fun to laugh at.

My score of this movie sums up how I feel about it.

This was just so bad and nearly unwatchable.

A forgotten pop culture 'document' of curious insignificance. In retrospect, it's hard to believe that Vanilla Ice was considered cool for even a nanosecond, and this 'film' treats his 'coolness' as undisputed fact, which makes it completely unaware of its own stupidity. It is well shot for what it is by Kaminski, who photographed Schindler's List a mere two years later and remains Spielberg's right hand man. Who said Steven doesn't think outside the box?

Looking for tier 1s to put in here and came across this gem. What were you thinking joining on Mr. Gross.

eheheheh

Oddly serene and beautiful, like the similarly awful Toys.

It's terrible but fun to watch. Hardly anything makes sense and it's shot like an early 90s music video

The production design is kind of amazing even if it makes no sense and the cinematography is actually excellent, none of which matters since you're trying to turn Vanilla Ice into a compelling lead.

outstandingly bad

Hot honor student: "I'll be seeing you later." Ice: "You're seeing me now." Oh, if only I had that line when I was in college... The state of perpetual shrugged-ness in which we find Vanilla's shoulders has GOT to lead to some serious back and neck pain. Might I recommend Salonpas?

Thank fuck Vanilla Ice's career didn't live to see the 2000s. The production design is nice and all but fuck me was it ruined by this god-awful attempt to remake a Brando flick. Every plot summary I've found on the internet (Criticker, IMDb) of this film is clearly aware that Vanilla Ice was the worst.

Imagine that

I sincerely don't know whether to rate this a zero or a hero.

Trash multiplicator: 5 (if you watch only the first half)