Jurassic World

"..and as you can see" the head accountant continues, "adding the Poochiesaurus Rex boosts expected revenue to ridiculous heights." The Omni Consumer Products execs applaud. "Once we realised we could simply copy the original product and replace its 'suspense' and 'sense of wonder' with our InsultinglyContrivedBullshit formula, we got results! We present to you... Jurassic World!". A reanimated dinosaur corpse shuffles into the room. It opens its crooked, drooling maw. Money falls out. Applause.

JW was brought to you by: Beats Audio, Samsung, Starbucks, Brookstone, Viewmaster, Verizon Wireless, Pepsi, Tostitos, Hasbro, Mercedes, Coca Cola, Nikon, Triumph, NBC/Jimmy Fallon, IWC, Ben and Jerry's, IMAX, Jamba Juice, Margaritaville, Hilton, and Pandora. Don't worry though, there are enough shreds of a story in there to keep this 'Logorama' of a film moving along, but not fast enough for you to miss all the plot conveniences and buffoonery packed into each scene. What a wasteful cash-grab.

As a lifelong fan of cinema, I find it discouraging that the global audience continues to reward mediocrity. This shattered the opening weekend box office record?? The msg we send is clear: characters, story and quality are not important to us. I don't think this is terrible by any means, but it plays it too safe; it doesn't try to be the best it can be and reach its potential - yet, we reward them with a massive bonus anyway! What incentive is there for studios to work hard and make great film?

At first I felt disappointed, as if lured into what seemed to be an appalling parade of product placement and tie-in appearances. But then a Mosasaurus devoured a careless British nanny after having been snatched by a ravenous Pteranodon. I then tore up my shirt in excitement and was asked to leave the premises.

"Welcome to Remember Jurassic Park Park"