The Nutcracker in 3D

"Vienna. The 1920s. Albert Einstein sings about his Theory of Relativity to his niece, who promptly discovers a world of proto-Nazi space-ranger rats led by a nasty, singing Andy Warhol rodent. But I don't have to tell you the beloved story of The Nutcracker."

I have no idea how this happened. But it happened. and it can't unhappen. and the children who saw this in theaters endured an insulting, eye-gouging experience. the scope of this movie's stupidity is extraordinary. 5 minutes in and you're witnessing Albert Einstein singing about the theory of relativity to music by Tchaikovsky. and that's just the beginning. I don't even want to talk about the neo-nazi rat-king fantasy land. I'm at a loss for words right now. sorry. jesus christ

Shiiiiite.

"Konchalovsky's holiday fable confirms its chosen technology as not simply a gimmick, but a veritable crime against both cinema and moviegoers' wallets." - Nick Schager

This non-balletic adaptation by the Russian director Andrei Konchalovsky is something gnarled and stunted and wrong, something that should never have been allowed to see the light of day. How's that for a holiday-ad pullquote?

$90 million went into this mutilation of Tchaikovsky, and while the money shows up on the screen--the production design is expansive and imaginative, easily the best thing about the film--it was still not well spent. An incoherent script is not helped by bad editing, horrible lyrics, and spurts of horrible acting, especially Nathan Lane (as Albert Einstein!), who masks his words with a wretched accent. An unintentionally frightening Nutcracker and unsettling rat makeup only add to the pain.