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Where do I begin?

Pinocchio is one of the most iconic fairy tale characters of all time. He debuted in the 1883 children's novel, The Adventures of Pinocchio, written by Italian writer Carlo Collodi. He was a young, wooden puppet made by Geppetto, a woodcarver from Italy who wanted to make the son he never had. Upon creation, Pinocchio came to life and was able to walk and talk like a real boy. Because of that, he made it his dream to become a real boy. He would have his problems, like his nose would grow if he told a lie. However, with the help of a talking cricket he befriends, Pinocchio proved himself worthy and received his wish in the end.

The Adventures of Pinocchio has been adapted many times over the past 132 years. One of the most beloved adaptations came from Disney's 1940 animated classic, Pinocchio. It is a timeless movie that has been passed down to every generation. There was no need for anyone to top that adaptation in film.

Unfortunately, in the source material's country of origin, one filmmaker wanted to make a movie on Pinocchio from an Italian's perspective. To do a remake of a movie that was made in America, but was based on a story from your country, is okay to do. Just keep it in your country. Roberto Benigni's Pinocchio didn't. Released in 2002, Pinocchio was the most disasterous adaptation to ever come to the United States. It got slaughtered by everyone, it only made $3 million in the box office, and it received 6 Razzie nominations. Where do I begin explaining this atrocity?

Let's start with the director himself, Roberto Benigni, who also plays the title character. Roberto Benigni grew up on the talents of Charles Chaplin, Buster Keaton, and Peter Sellers, and he became recognized as an improvisational actor who eventually developed a career in directing. Now, he was never a bad talent. He was in great Jim Jarmusch movies like Down by Law and Night on Earth, and his turn at acting/directing/writing in the Oscar-winning 1997 movie, Life Is Beautiful, showed he was capable of doing a movie right. In Pinocchio, Roberto does everything wrong. Not just the movie, but also the representation of the source material.

Here, we have a FIFTY-YEAR OLD Roberto Benigni playing a boy character! The thought of it doesn't even work. As he tries to take on this iconic character, he forgets that his age difference isn't going to make anyone take this performance seriously. Sure, some adults have gotten away with playing younger fairy tale characters. But Pinocchio is a BOY, and a BOY is in the range of 2 to 12 years old! Even worse, he isn't even made to look like a wooden puppet. He's already looking like someone in human form. It's like having a cat play Lassie or the Tin Man dressed up in rubber. This kind of costume and makeup design is something you can only get away with in middle school plays. Even worse, his acting here is way too childish and clownish. It resembles some of Robin Williams, Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, and Adam Sandler's worst performances ever. Sure, it's a children's movie, but for an Oscar-winner in the Best Actor category, Roberto should've known better.

But Pinocchio isn't the only character this movie got wrong. The talking characters in the story, like the Fox, the Cat, and the Talking Cricket, don't even look like a Fox, a Cat, or a Cricket. The actors are all in human form! There was no attempt to give them any costumes to make them look like animals. They could've done CGI characters, but they didn't. Even the hideous, squeaking mice in the opening scene were CGI. It's not that hard.

Now, the production and story are no better off. One of the film's first scenes has a log bouncing around the village and causing chaos in the style of unfunny slapstick. The cops even take action and try to arrest the log. IT'S A LOG! YOU CAN'T ARREST A LOG! The next thing I'm going to point out is when Pinocchio ditches school, he goes to a play and joins in with other performing "wooden puppets". They get trapped by puppet master Mangiafuoco after the play, and he's huge. Like Gulliver's Travels huge. Pinocchio is seen around the village in normal size and height like the other villagers, but he only appears small in front of Mangiafuoco. That's another disadvantage of having an adult play Pinocchio. The sizes of the puppets are so inconsistent, that you can tell when they're using a green screen effect.

And if you listen closely and observe the screen, the dialogue doesn't match up with the actors' lip movement. That brings us to the movie's biggest problem: it was filmed in Italian, but here, IT'S ALL DUBBED IN ENGLISH! YOU DO NOT DO THAT FOR A FOREIGN MOVIE PLAYING IN AMERICAN CINEMAS! BUT THEY DO IT EVEN WORSE ON PINOCCHIO! Seriously, this is the worst dubbing ever done for a movie. The movie's US distributor, Miramax, admitted that they needed to do post-production looping to insert the English dub for the US release. Why? Did they know that just the sight of an adult playing Pinocchio was going to fail? This only adds onto the problem. You a FIFTY-YEAR OLD Roberto Benigni playing Pinocchio and SOUNDING LIKE THE STONER FROM CLUELESS! You have a Talking Cricket not looking like a cricket and SOUNDING LIKE A MEMBER OF MONTY PYTHON! You have the Fox and the Cat not looking like a Fox or a Cat and SOUNDING LIKE COMEDIANS OF OTHER ETHNICITIES!

I wish I could elaborate more on every other problem, but I made my point clear. This is the worst adaptation of The Adventures of Pinocchio or any other children's fairy tale book in general. I'm sure Italy was looking to do a remake of a movie based on a story from their country. Heck, I come from an Italian heritage, but I never would've trusted the actor that killed the Pink Panther franchise with a wooden project that deserves to be turned into paper.

Score: 0/100

Recommendation: None. I'd even recommend Jonathan Taylor Thomas's performance in 1996's The Adventures of Pinocchio before this movie.