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The Benchwarmers does not deserve my time. That I would allow myself to be subjected to this "film" for 85 minutes is, perhaps, a sign of stupidity on my part. That I should be granting this "film" a service to which it certainly doesn't deserve - a full-length review - is a sign of my boundless generosity and merciful nature. I should be able to merely copy-and-paste my review for Nacho Libre (which debuted in theaters only a couple months after this "film") to get all my points across, and in theory, I could do just that. But there are couple reasons why I think writing a review is a warranted reaction:

1. The Benchwarmers is far too terrible to get away without proper humiliation.

2. In all fairness, Nacho Libre had one or two redeeming features (enough to score a single point out of 10 from me). The Benchwarmers has no redemptive features whatsoever.

3. When all is said and done, The Benchwarmers is worse than Nacho Libre. And that is incredible, albeit, in a thoroughly terrifying way.

The one thing that this "film" does have going for it is a (mostly) clear premise. 3 fully-grown men decide to join a little leagues baseball tournament. And "hilarity" ensues.

When Napoleon Dynamite took the world by storm in 2004, studios were quick to make duplicates of the film to be enjoyed by the public. Hot Rod, Nacho Libre, and The Benchwarmers are all examples of such products. The Benchwarmers is the most blatant copy, going as far as to cast the lead from Napoleon Dynamite (Jon Heder) as a leading role in this "film," where Heder essentially plays the exact same character (named Clark). Clark's friend Richie is very nearly the same character as Kip, also from Napoleon Dynamite. The style of humor (aka, "stupid") is identical as well. There are two defining differences between the two films:

1. The budget. Napoleon Dynamite was made for a mere $400,000. The Benchwarmers has a budget of $33 million. That's nearly 83 times the cost of Napoleon Dynamite!

2. Napoleon Dynamite, no matter how stupid, does manage to be passable entertainment, eliciting enough chuckles to satisfy its 95 minute run time. The Benchwarmers has no working gags. None. Thus, it has enough chuckles to satisfy the end credits. Therefore, the rest of the "film" is completely unnecessary and would have been much more enjoying without all of it.

With a budget that much bigger than Napoleon Dynamite, one has a reason to expect better acting, bigger laughs, and a much better script from Benchwarmers. Ultimately, the "film" provides none of those things.

The primary cast is obnoxious. 95 minutes of Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite was a test of patience. In Benchwarmers, 85 minutes of Jon Heder doesn't even qualify as a test. If you're still watching after the first 3 minutes, you've already failed. David Spade is as annoying as one would expect, but the worst performance in the film goes to Rob Schneider. Now, whenever one enters a film, they should do their best to cleanse their mind of any preconceptions about it. So even though Rob Schneider is famous for starring in some of the worst "films" of all time, famous for slamming critics that gave his movies bad reviews, and famous for eliciting one of Roger Ebert's greatest quips (it involves the Pulitzer Prize; look it up), I knew I owed it to the "film" to be as unbiased as possible.

His performance is still terrible.

The supporting cast are beyond wooden, all doing their best to make painful lines of dialogue palatable. This proves a Herculean task that even the most talented Hollywood thespians would be unable to achieve. Weird celebrity cameos include baseball player Reggie Jackson, producer Adam Sandler's wife Jackie Sandler, and director Dennis Dugan (responsible for gems like Grown Ups, Grown Ups 2, Jack and Jill, etc).

There are no laughs, which is a problem directly related to the script (and exacerbated by horrible acting). The "film" is one long line of fart jokes, pee jokes, ethnic stereotypes, and repetitive slapstick. This was largely true of Nacho Libre, but there is a terrifying difference that can be interpreted though the MPAA rating system. Nacho Libre received a PG certificate. And while many great adult movies have been given a PG certificate, when one considers the MPAA rating and the content of Nacho Libre, one knows that it was never intended to entertain anyone over the age of 10 (though the box-office numbers would argue otherwise). The Benchwarmers, however, horrifyingly received a PG-13 certificate. In other words, this "film" was created with a teen/adult audience in mind.

I'm not saying that the content in Benchwarmers didn't warrant a PG-13, because it does. What I am saying, however, is there's no way anyone over the age of 9 is going to be amused by any of this. Anyone older than that has been exposed to their share of excremental humor. And anyone younger simply doesn't need to be exposed to such.

There's no two ways around it; the script is stupid. Really stupid. Like, so stupid, I couldn't tell what was intentionally stupid, and what was unintentionally stupid. It's just all stupid. I've discussed this before in my review of Nacho Libre, but I'm discussing it again now: "Movies" like this are out of date. In a world of films like The Incredibles, The Lego Movie, Up, etc., PG comedies are smart, and are designed to entertain all ages. After watching one of the movies I just mentioned, I feel uplifted. Happier. Joyful. After watching Benchwarmers, I felt depressed, insulted, and I'm fairly certain I lost at least 12 IQ points.

Anyone could have written this script. Anyone can write "character farts in another character's face." Anyone can write "character lets go of bat while swinging and hits a jogging extra." Anyone can write "characters pees in shower, which horrifies his wife." This isn't funny. Just lazy. I wouldn't pay to see someone get hit in the groin. I'm certainly not going to pay to see someone pretend to get hit in the groin. Oh yeah; by the way: someone gets hit in the groin! Bet you've never seen that before.

And yet, this "film" has the gall to shoe-horn an anti-bullying message for the sake of mimicking relevancy. The problem with this - other than the fact that it's contrived, poorly executed, tonally at odds with the rest of the "film," and better done in other films (like ParaNorman) - is that the "film" is appears to be completely against its own message. The three main characters are brats. Horrible people. I hated being around them and I wanted them all to get hit by their tour bus and die. I don't want to root for them, and the reason for that is because they themselves are bullies. They annoy and tease other kids. One of their friends farts in another child's face. Some of their actions could legally be considered assault in most states (I'm not kidding). It's disgraceful, and disgusting. Even when the three main characters speak out publicly against bullying, they proceed to mock the children that can't make it to home plate. The "film" is constantly undermining its own message.

If I wanted to, I could write a very long (and probably terribly boring) book about all of the things wrong with this "movie," because I've barely scraped the iceberg. To name just a few of the other issues in this film, I offer excessive product placement (for Pizza Hut, Pepsi and Playstation in particular - between this and the urine jokes, the filmmakers just really loved P's), continuity issues aplenty, cheap-looking cinematography, really annoying kids (and I'm not limiting this to the "bullies"), a character named Howie who eats sunblock for reasons never explained, an unnecessary subplot about a wife who desperately wants to start a family, ear-bleedingly bad soundtrack, several contrived apology scenes, and midget jokes.

There are bad films, and then there are "films" like The Benchwarmers. When someone tells me that they like "The Amazing Spider-Man 2," I might call their movie tastes into question, but I don't take it against the person. But in the case of The Benchwarmers, if someone told me they actually liked this "film," I would sincerely judge them as an individual. This "film" is an abysmal mess of potty jokes so juvenile, they would actually fly under a 9 year old's head. Come at me Robert Schneider.

Score: 0/10