There were a number of questions I asked myself as I sat watching Super Mario Bros. "What the heck is going on?" "Is that really supposed to be Toad?" "Why is everyone acting like imbeciles?" "Why am I still watching this movie?" Nearly 2 hours of my life is gone, thanks to Super Mario Bros., a movie that does everything wrong and nothing right. A serious contender for worst movie ever made, though I'll grant; it had quite a few unintentional laughs.
In a ludicrous plot that seems to be trying to make sense of the nonsensical world of the video game it's based upon, Super Mario Bros. is about two plumbers named Mario and Luigi (we're supposed to believe they're brothers, but they look at least 20 years apart in age), who find themselves in a different dimension. The dimension is ruled by a man, or dinosaur, or whatever he is, named King Koopa. From there on, there's something about a meteorite, de-evolution, and a big glob of living fungus.
I couldn't even begin to mention every single mistake this movie made. I can only go over a handful of flaws in this review, but trust me; I could go on for days.
Let's start with the plot, which I've briefly explained above. It's stupid, it's strange, and jammed with cliches. Everything from henchmen that turn good, child being left on someone's doorstep, clumsy romance, etc.
Much of the film feels like a live-action Saturday morning cartoon. In itself, that's not necessarily bad. In this case, believe me; it's bad. Gravity is defied, special effects are terrible, awful cinematography renders some parts of the film unwatchable at times. Need I say more?
And yet, I haven't even scratched the surface. Characters are stupid and obvious things are overlooked. Tie-ins with the Mario games are forced and uncreative. Plot holes and continuity problems are everywhere. Does this film do anything right?
While the characters' personalities are nothing like they are in the games, it's hard to blame the film for that. This film released in 1993, and at that point, none of the Mario characters had personality. Still, it should be noted that in the film, Luigi is the courageous one, and Mario is more cowardly (the opposite is true in the games). And speaking of Mario, his deep, harsh Brooklyn voice isn't at all the friendly voice we're used to hearing from the famous plumber, but once again, that's not really the film's fault, as no one had ever heard Mario speak before.
The acting is relatively terrible. I'll just save time by saying all the performances are awful, with one exceptions. Bob Hoskins as Mario really isn't that bad. He makes the most out of what he's given to work with, and the result is a passable, painless performance.
Alan Silverstri, what are you doing composing music for this film? You're better than this! It's depressing to see the composer of such classics like Back to the Future reduced to this. Still, the score is awful. The main theme is annoying, and there is no references from the original game's soundtrack in the score. There were lots of possibilities here, and Silverstri refuses to explore any of them.
The dated soundtrack is a nightmare. Various pop songs of yesteryear are in this movie, and they all made me wince in pain. The exception here being "Walk the Dinosaur." I laughed when I heard this playing, because this song is also featured in Ice Age 3, another dinosaur-oriented film starring John Leguizamo (who's terrible in this film, by the way).
Unwatchable, flawed, and laughably bad at times, Super Mario Bros. is an abomination. Forgetting everything that makes the Mario games enjoyable, Super Mario Bros. is a mess of fantastic proportions. It's unusual to see a film this bad. It's almost interesting. Maybe I should spend the next hour contemplating how awful this movie is. It will certainly be a much more entertaining way to spend my time than watching the movie was.
Score: 0/10
