Favorite Mini-Reviews

[TheDenizen]

http://www.criticker.com/profile/spleen is my latest fave. A sampling:

Iceman (1984) -
"Think of it as "The Thing" meets "ET" meets "Quest For Fire". Meanwhile I'll be over here going through your stuff."

Taken 2 (2012) -
"Philosophical question: Bryan Mills and John McClane are on a plane. Which franchise wins? Answer: whoever punches Famke Janssen in the face first."

Electrocuting an Elephant (1903) -
"Honestly, haven't seen it but I have tickets on reserve for the sequel "Anal Raping Thomas Edison"."

The Fifth Element (1997) -
"If Michael Bay made this, it would've cost 2 billion dollars, had more shots of Milla Jovavich (working on cars, tossing hair, running, etc all in slow motion), Bruce Willis would wear a thong for comedic value and Chris Tucker would've been a robot. Thank you, Luc Besson. Thank you."

Predator (1987) -
"So macho the dvd case had a five o'clock shadow and smelled of cigars."

The Sweetest Thing (2002) -
"If I were stuck on a deserted island with nothing but this movie, a dvd player and a tv, I'd bludgeon myself unconscious with the case to keep from watching it again."

Well done, sir.

[TheDenizen]

begoniabol's review for The Hannah Montana movie had me in stitches:

I love Hannah Montana, and Miley Cyrus, and her face, and her dad *twitch*, and his triangle goatee, and her dad's accent, and her brother, and Cyrus' face, and *twitch* her teeth, and this movie, and the series, and her *twitch twitch* hair, and her *puke* clothes, and her MAKE-UP. AND HER ACCENT, AND THE HORSES AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[hellboy76]

begoniabol's review for The Hannah Montana movie had me in stitches:

I love Hannah Montana, and Miley Cyrus, and her face, and her dad *twitch*, and his triangle goatee, and her dad's accent, and her brother, and Cyrus' face, and *twitch* her teeth, and this movie, and the series, and her *twitch twitch* hair, and her *puke* clothes, and her MAKE-UP. AND HER ACCENT, AND THE HORSES AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[ShogunRua]

I love this review by TheDenizen, for one very specific line;

On Karei-naru tsuiseki (1975)

"A female race car driver freelances as a secret agent in order to get revenge on the gangsters who framed and murdered her father. It's a campy mix of 70s kitsch and exploitation sleaze, with lady wrestlers, whip-wielding nuns, ridiculous fashions and a rapist in a bear suit. It's great fun watching Etsuko Shihomi go from adorable and spunky to fierce and deadly with the flip of a switch, and then kick the crap out of everyone Chiba-style."

Awesome, just awesome.

[hellboy76]

From Kojiless, who is always entertaining:

Creature (2011)
"What's more terrifying than a moss-covered half-human, half albino alligator, half inbred swamp dweller? If you guessed "one-foot wide hole in the mud," you win an armadillo (known to carry leprosy, so don't eat it when you get home).

Split Second (1992)
"In the first five minutes, Rutger Hauer enters a British rave club alone and orders two coffees, sweats all over a dead blonde in the loo, and calls a dog a dickhead. And if that doesn't whet your appetite, may I present you with these Kim Cattrall-brand Cattrall Teats (tm)?"

Miller's Crossing (1990)
"Some people might say Steve Buscemi doesn't have the eyes to play a corpse. Oh, how they'd be wrong. Oh, how they'd be wrong."

[TheDenizen]

I love this review by TheDenizen, for one very specific line;

On Karei-naru tsuiseki (1975)

"A female race car driver freelances as a secret agent in order to get revenge on the gangsters who framed and murdered her father. It's a campy mix of 70s kitsch and exploitation sleaze, with lady wrestlers, whip-wielding nuns, ridiculous fashions and a rapist in a bear suit. It's great fun watching Etsuko Shihomi go from adorable and spunky to fierce and deadly with the flip of a switch, and then kick the crap out of everyone Chiba-style."

Awesome, just awesome.

the movie is a ton of fun, but the bear suit rapist is definitely the highlight. You get to see him do his thing more than once. Dude was way ahead of the curve on the whole "furry" thing.

[TheDenizen]

maybe he just typo'd when he was putting in his 100 score and didn't notice?

or was thinking "tier 10" and brainfarted and put 10 as his rating?

[Bojangles]

He missed a zero. Someone should start a 'perplexing reviews' thread though. Maybe I will.

[begoniabol]

Hahaha oh man. Hilarious.

Uwe Boll's review about Das Erste Semester (1997)

oh haha fuc this one was the shizzz fuuuck i laugh like oh fucking ten times a second!! thanks to my writing, otherwise it wouldve ben shit.. the actors all sucked to...!

[mwgerb]

Found this gem.

I Spit On Your Grave:
"Remember kids, don't rape or you'll get your dick cut off." - Pillgrum