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Favorite Mini-Reviews

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby dunbar » Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:28 am

I appreciated that one, frederic.

It's from a South Park episode. The Toilet Paper episode. I always thought that was a cracking piece of randomness. The boys are formulating an alibi to explain their whereabouts so they don't get caught for toilet papering their art teachers house. Here's the full quote (which I guess didn't fit):

Okay. Last night, all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30, at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, was bowling in the lane next to us, and we asked her for her autograph, but she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Fritas Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby frederic_g54 » Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:45 am

That was a rhetorical question, but thanks for clearing that up anyway :lol:

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby dunbar » Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:50 am

:( What else am I supposed to do with my years of watching South Park?

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby BillyShears » Sun Nov 27, 2016 11:29 pm


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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby Bojangles » Fri Feb 24, 2017 11:33 pm

This one has been making me laugh:

sproost wrote:Any music supervisor that still uses the Junkie XL Elvis "Little less conversation" song in movies in 2016 needs to take a serious, deep, long look in the mirror and ask themselves the question if music supervision is really the job that brings out their qualities.

edit: forgot to mention that that's a review of Passengers

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby TheDenizen » Sun Feb 10, 2019 6:21 am

resurrecting this ancient thread to share some recent gems:

begoniabol on Killing American Style: "Men with mullets, men with a true sense of fashion, men who know how to FIGHT and aquire guns with endless bullets. Simple story, great start but has bad pacing issues. Gets a bit boring after a while, but that doesn't matter because MULLETS AND FASHION."

Kojiless on Occupation: "Imagine, if you will, being pounded in the butt (Chuck Tingle-style) by the 80s classic invasion flick Red Dawn while drunk on Fosters Light Ice that was served to you by an armor-clad alien with a snazzy cape. If the prospect of such an endeavor positively tingles your chuck, then...Occupation is still not worth your time or bandwidth."

BillyShears on Nightmare: "The babysitter confuses a 6 foot tall killer with the small child she’s babysitting as he lurches toward her with a hammer. Lady if he hits you in the head I don’t think anything will happen."

Barthalen on The Gate: "Dear Timecop, I know I haven't written to you in many years, but what can ya do. Sooo, when you go on your next mission to kill bad people in the beforetimes, could you pick up a copy of this and hand it to my 12-year old self? He'd really appreciate it since it's one of those movies that's just a tad too scary for kids, which makes them exactly the right ones to see as a kid. Cheers!"

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby dunbar » Thu Mar 07, 2019 9:50 am

Cinema_Asia on Taken 2 wrote:Just like in a porno when strange scenarios occur just to give people reasons to fuck, Liam's character makes a silly decision to take his ex-wife and daughter on a vacation so they can both get kidnapped. Taken 2 ha ha GET IT!? Now he gets to rampage in a foreign land full of brown people destroying random people's property and slaughter mustache twirling villains. The fight scenes were fast cut so much it was like a flip book. In the next Liam will take on the muslim world strapped to a nuke.

CMonster on The Hateful Eight wrote:As an excuse to watch all manner of things hit Jennifer Jason Leigh in the face, it works quite well.

BeeDub on Taken wrote:My particular set of skills consists of writing pithy blurbs on movie recommendation sites.

Ytadel on Focus wrote:I hate to be a moral nag, but something just kinda BUGS ME about the fact that most of the "heist" targets in this film are just regular folks with no evidence that they are wealthy in any way. Like, I'm all for ripping off banks or mega companies or whatever in movies. Go forth and heist! But when you're stealing wallets and credits cards from just regular-ass people who probably now can't make rent or feed their kids, I'm just sitting here, like, wow, you dicks. Why should I root for you?

Seethruskin on Slender Man wrote:For crying out loud it's 2018 can we stop with the body shaming. Of course Hollywood is only interested in a movie called Slender Man. When's Thicc Man coming out. Smh

Kojiless on How It Ends wrote:We'll never know, because THERE WAS NO ENDING. Characters, plot lines, and MY SANITY appear and disappear like those Asian butterflies whose wings cause hurricanes in the Caribbean drawn like moths to the flames of Seattle burning after the Seahawks win the World Bowl Championshop. Follow Forest Whitaker's lazy always points west.

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby Paxton » Thu Aug 29, 2019 9:21 pm

Shellish's Review of Fifty Shades of Grey -
"Christian Grey put his thumb in my mouth. And then the other one. And then two more. "Wider," he said as he put in one more. "I bet you've never had this many thumbs in your mouth." I hadn't."

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby Maaxwell » Thu Aug 29, 2019 10:02 pm

Favourites I've come across recently:

spleen: Tin Cup -- "What a disappointment when I realized Kevin Costner wasn't being coerced by James Earl Jones into building a golf course. "

Kojiless: Suburban Commando -- "With Arnold, we forgive his inability to remember lines longer than 4 words because he is a cuddly muscleman with a cool accent from lands tramontane. Hulk Hogan's just a retard."

paulofilmo: The Birds -- "I, for one, welcome our new winged overlords."

BeeDub: Boat Trip -- "Cuba, the Academy called. Bad news, buddy."

BillyShears: Men in Black -- "Got that Neurolizer thing in a Burger King happy meal and totally forgot how to make friends."

Archeologian: West Side Story -- "Once you've seen Xanadu, there's just no going back to this vanilla shite."

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Re: Favorite Mini-Reviews

Postby harryouchie » Sun Nov 10, 2019 3:13 am

I found myself unexpectedly touched by merc's review of Magnus:

I suppose my appraisal of the film is prepossessed by its historical subtext. Where before chess was ruled by the grandmaster-cum-operator-technician-cum-politician-cum-cyborg-CEO (90s-00s), it has entered a new historical moment that is at once a return to its origins. A moment in which imagination and wonder win the day once more. My last tournament was over a decade ago, but this discovery made me yearn to return to the game (and this despite my lack of corporate sponsorship).

Maybe 'cause I'd just finished reading Stefan Zweig's 1942 novella Chess, in which the game's beauty and madness are so indelibly if a lil' kitschily expressed. Zweig killed himself right after he finished it. Bobby Fischer was born right after that.

I had never before in my life had a chance to become personally acquainted with a chess grandmaster, and the more I tried to picture such a man’s nature, the less I could imagine a form of cerebral activity revolving exclusively, for a whole lifetime, around a space consisting of sixty-four black and white squares. From my own experience, I knew the mysterious attraction of the 'royal game', the only game ever devised by mankind that rises magnificently above the tyranny of chance, awarding the palm of victory solely to the mind, or rather to a certain kind of mental gift. And are we not guilty of offensive disparagement in calling chess a game? Is it not also a science and an art, hovering between those categories as Muhammad’s coffin hovered between heaven and earth, a unique link between pairs of opposites: ancient yet eternally new; mechanical in structure, yet made effective only by the imagination; limited to a geometrically fixed space, yet with unlimited combinations; constantly developing, yet sterile; thought that leads nowhere; mathematics calculating nothing; art without works of art; architecture without substance – but nonetheless shown to be more durable in its entity and existence than all books and works of art; the only game that belongs to all nations and all eras, although no one knows what god brought it down to earth to vanquish boredom, sharpen the senses and stretch the mind. Where does it begin and where does it end? Every child can learn its basic rules, every bungler can try his luck at it, yet within that immutable little square it is able to bring forth a particular species of masters who cannot be compared to anyone else, people with a gift solely designed for chess, geniuses in their specific field who unite vision, patience and technique in just the same proportions as do mathematicians, poets, musicians, but in different stratifications and combinations. In the old days of the enthusiasm for physiognomy, a physician like Gall might perhaps have dissected a chess champion’s brain to find out whether some particular twist or turn in the grey matter, a kind of chess muscle or chess bump, is more developed in such chess geniuses than in the skulls of other mortals. And how intrigued such a physiognomist would have been by the case of Czentovic, where that specific genius appeared in a setting of absolute intellectual lethargy, like a single vein of gold in a hundredweight of dull stone. In principle, I had always realized that such a unique, brilliant game must create its own matadors, but how difficult and indeed impossible it is to imagine the life of an intellectually active human being whose world is reduced entirely to the narrow one-way traffic between black and white, who seeks the triumphs of his life in the mere movement to and fro, forward and back of thirty-two chessmen, someone to whom a new opening, moving knight rather than pawn, is a great deed, and his little corner of immortality is tucked away in a book about chess – a human being, an intellectual human being who constantly bends the entire force of his mind on the ridiculous task of forcing a wooden king into the corner of a wooden board, and does it without going mad!

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