Cinema Addict - 2490 Rankings
Member Since: Mar 31, 2008
Check out Barthalen's...
|60 T4||Ozark Sharks (2016) - Jul 24, 2017
"In the world of Modern Shitty Shark Movies, Ozark Sharks stands out a bit because of some unexpected kills and not going for the minimum effort but actually having a bit of fun along the way. It's still cheap and silly and especially in the beginning it feels like More Of The Same, but all in all this was above average stuff. I feel like I'm slowly becoming a ShittySharkMovieExpert and this is not what I had in mind for my future but when life gives you shittysharks you make shittysharkmonade."
|58 T4||The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974) - Jul 21, 2017
"On paper, this co-op effort from Shaw Bros and Hammer sounds like the most amazing thing. As in, 'if you could go back in time and get two studios to combine powers, who'd you pick' levels of amazing. And as always, reality can't live up to the mental pictures one might have. It's all just kinda bland and silly and oh hey nudity and unimpressive. Major props for Peter Cushing though, taking what should've been a schlocky role and just giving it his all. Heartbreaking that this wasn't more fun."
|11 T1||Contract to Kill (2016) - Jul 20, 2017
""So here's how it's going down," Seagal wheezes to the intern, fat fingers rummaging through the near-empty KFC bucket. "write the movie in such a way I can sit down for 80% of the runtime. All this standing is hell on my back. Gimme a sex scene, but I won't take off my clothes. Find some of the cheap CGI guys. We only have two locations and my nephew's drone to work with, so keep it tight, unlike my belly. I'll get some buddies from Poland to play Mexicans. This'll be great. Chicken wing?""
|62 T5||Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016) - Jul 10, 2017
"After the Episode IV do-over of Force Awakens I'm glad we now finally get some more original content from Star Wars like this flick about Rebel forces led by a tough woman with important parentage and a rogueish love interest on a planet trying to shut down an Empire shield generator while a Mon Calamari-led Rebel fleet is engaged in a space battle while an operational Death Star is-HEY WAITAMINNIT"
|70 T6||Moana (2016) - Jul 10, 2017
"Cute and colorful and predictable aaaand not much else."
|75 T7||Pom Poko (1994) - Jul 10, 2017
"Two hours is a bit much for its 'life would be best if we live in harmony with nature' message, but the Tanuki society is cute and interesting (even though they become eco-terrorists for a bit) and the shapeshifting is a great way to keep things visually interesting. The story will probably make you feel guilty for living in a city and being a human consumerist monster. And hooray, I made it through this review without once typing 'balls' and... AW DANGIT"
|83 T9||The Lego Batman Movie (2017) - Jul 10, 2017
"I'm a nerd of simple pleasures. Give me in-jokes the youngsters won't get, give me Will Arnett doing his snarky thing for 90+ minutes, give me an endless series of spot-on Batman references, give me a few grams of a good Sativa and hoot dang if this didn't become a Jolly Good Time that was every bit as enjoyable on a next day rewatch."
|67 T5||Wonder Woman (2017) - Jul 10, 2017
"Competent enough, but there's barely any 'wow' moments to make Wonder Woman truly memorable. Sanitizing WW1 is disappointing but understandable considering its function as The First Decent Kid-Friendly Superheroine Movie. And while it warms my heart-substitute that li'l gals have a Gal to emulate, the slow deflating of plot and logic and reasons to care in the second half ensures this never rises above the basic super-movie-template. Fingers crossed for a future Squirrel Girl flick though."
|74 T7||Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995) - Jun 22, 2017
"A lot to love here for fans of the series. The callbacks to the original were great, overheating Zilla looked neat, there's more time pressure for the humans, halfway through it becomes a shameful yet amusing Aliens ripoff, there's some 'holy moly' moments in the monster fights and it contains a genuinely affecting emotional scene from a man in a giant lizard suit. Sure, it's ridiculous, goofy and bombastic nonsense, but it's exactly the kind of nonsense I was hoping for."
|56 T4||Blair Witch (2016) - Jun 17, 2017
"For a soft reboot of a horror franchise, ehhh, it could be worse. There's a few decent moments in-between the bog standard (sorry, forest standard) setup and predictable scares. There is a maddening amount of 'people walking up to their friend but not verbally confirming they are doing so' scenes but the worst sin is that it completely foregoes (sorry, forestgoes) the sense of exhaustion and fear that made the original so effective. "