Cinema Addict - 2453 Rankings
Member Since: Mar 31, 2008
Check out Barthalen's...
|67 T5||Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (1968) - Mar 30, 2017
"A priest slaps a holy eviction notice on Dracula's pleasure castle who then gets all IT'S ON NOW PADRE so he Grand Theft Coffins his way over to the Priest's hometown to... well, do some predictable vampire stuff but you barely see that anyway since we've now switched to Douchey McWhatever protagonist man and the fun factor goes away. Lee makes Standing Still And Looking more entertaining than it should be, plus I can't not love the poster, but all in all this was kinda just Basic Vampire Movie."
|80 T9||Shin Godzilla (2016) - Mar 28, 2017
"Hooray, a 'Zilla flick that has something to say again! A wry, dark satire of a country that's been falling behind and is being suffocated by a conservative, out of touch bureaucracy. Japan doesn't even get the chance to name the creature, ouch. And when the carnage starts, holy shit! This Godzilla does. Not. Fuck. Around. The unleashed atomic breath took my breath away. Makes 2014 Godzilla more disappointing in retrospect. The third act could've used more surprises though."
|21 T2||Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2017) - Mar 24, 2017
"The action cliffhanger of the previous one is glossed over in four words, because producing something fun and memorable takes effort and money and why bother, right? Its hilarious attempts at a plot just rolled off of me like water off a duck's back, and the aggressively shitty editing made every action scene a chore. Watching this is the equivalent of giving your brain a disinterested handy; it passes some time but it's all very unsatisfying and messy and sad."
|3 T1||Fateful Findings (2013) - Mar 17, 2017
"My first Neil Breen feature, and while it was less bonkers than I'd hoped, this is still an impressive feat of deluded filmmaking. Breen is one of the worst actors I've ever seen and this crazy, crazy man has no sense of shame, human interaction or narrative flow. No scene logically leads to the next, it's amazing. He also plays a SUPER HACKER (we never see him hack anything) and the irresistible ladies man / laptop wrecker that the world of today sorely needs. That final segment, holy shit."
|77 T8||Crippled Avengers (1978) - Mar 14, 2017
"The villains start out with their own sympathetic mini-arc, which works wonders. However, the casual crippling of the main cast is pretty dark, giving the fun and acrobatic fights that follow a slightly uncomfortable aftertaste."
|44 T3||Assassin's Creed (2016) - Mar 14, 2017
"Everyone involved in this seemed to have the opposite idea of what people interested in this would like to see. It's fine, I didn't want any fluid assassin action in the past, please keep cutting back to Fassbender on a robot arm flailing around in a smokey hologram-projecting darkroom. Oh yes, have more vague dialogue between non-characters, be sure to repeat the word 'Creed' a zillion times, maybe then we'll start to care. At least there's a big action finale comi- oh, nope. What a wet fart."
|82 T9||Logan (2017) - Mar 13, 2017
"The hard R made me prematurely pop my claws. Logan is a surprisingly grim, bloody and melancholy ride into the sunset that proves these type of movies could, no, should be better. The uneven comic book movie shenanigans of the past are discarded and we're finally getting a story and characters worth being invested in; ornery Xavier was fantastic and Huge Jackedman sells every wince and groan. I wiped away a tear at the end and accidentally sliced off half my face. Worth it though."
|74 T7||The Cat Returns (2002) - Mar 10, 2017
"Super comfy escapist fairytale-ish entertainment. Doesn't try to go deep, but luckily doesn't have any dramatic angles either. Just a cute adventure involving talking cats, hidden kingdoms, transformations, mazes, magic towers and all that jazz. I gotta watch this with my niece sometime. :3 Most importantly, it teaches kids that becoming a furry is a bad idea and is incompatible with being a part of human society."
|50 T3||The Conjuring 2 (2016) - Mar 10, 2017
"What a dud. Where the first one at least managed to create mood and build up its scares, this always felt artificial and predictable. Booga wooga, have some jumpscares from a grumpy old man claiming squatter's rights and a convoluted-continent-hopping corpsepaint nun. Plus there was no need for this to be 134 goddamn minutes. I did get a chuckle out of the Warrens' concern for being seen as frauds though."
|85 T10||Anomalisa (2015) - Mar 09, 2017
"A brutally honest and uncomfortable look at feeling a disconnect with the world and the desperate (and ultimately doomed) attempt to find a spark of... something in another, that selfish need to fill an indefinable void caused by self-loathing or existential despair with a fantasy that's unfairly projected onto someone else. All presented with amazing stop-motion puppetry to highlight a sense of isolation in a sea of artificial blandness... [Stays silent for a few minutes, whimpers, chugs drink]"