Celluloid Junkie - 2589 Film Ratings
Member Since: Mar 31, 2008
Check out Barthalen's...
|59 36%||1408 (2007) - Jan 17, 2019
"I wake up in a hotel room with the mother of all headaches, covered in raspberry sauce and wearing pants made out of newspapers. There is a note next to me that reads 'Write more Criticker reviews ya dingus'. A TV is playing, showing a movie starring John Cusack. It tries to set up an intruiging mystery and it even succeeds in the beginning but then random shit starts happening and oh it's like Dante's Inferno except hard to care about. Ok. I stumble out of the room into the harsh light of day."
|71 59%||Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018) - Nov 19, 2018
"A pretty decent SpyMan movie, in which SpyMan runs and shoots and drives and hangs onto things. The moments where you can see the action wasn't shot in some safe greenscreened studio automatically enhance the experience. I'm not sure if the presence of the huge amount of SpyMan movie cliches makes it charming or just a bit lazy. It was a bold choice to have some random unknown guy play SpyMan wearing an inelastic Tom Cruise mask, it looked kinda real most of the time."
|8 4%||American Crude (2007) - Nov 05, 2018
"The Rob Schneider Project-day 26. Adam Sandler hands me the curly wig. I shiver and put it on, standing knee-deep in water. No, not water. Tears. "The suffering is the key. But you've learned that by now. Rob Schneider is not a person; it's an idea. An avatar of incompetence, a piñata of loathing." The robed cultists around me murmur in agreement. "What do you see when you close your eyes?" he asks. Through parched lips I croak "Am- American Crude. It.. it hurts". Adam smiles. "Yes. It should.""
|63 42%||Adult Babies (2017) - Nov 05, 2018
"Puts the 'die' in 'adult diaper'. I randomly gave this a try and was actually kind of positively surprised. It's schlocky B-movie nonsense, but the type that makes an effort and tries to have some fun along the way. The gore and make-up are decent and a few lines or reaction shots got a chuckle out of me. Add in things like a claymation action finale, a wheelchair-bound pigman getting chainsawed in half, or death by military-grade laxative, and you have my vote."
|80 81%||Baby Driver (2017) - Nov 05, 2018
"On a pure entertainment level, Baby Driver had me hooked and along for the ride. (Rides?) I wanted a slick, not specifically deep crime heist betrayal one-last-score kinda thingy with a nice soundtrack. That's what I got, and I ain't complainin'. Every time guns were blasting to the beat, I smiled. Not even Spacey could ruin this, which was unexpected. "Wa- wa- was he slow?""
|52 30%||Super Troopers 2 (2018) - Nov 05, 2018
"Well... it has some moments. But as I've fiiiinally started watching 'Reno 911!' this just can't compare in any way and it made the slow setups to average jokes even more of a shame. Also please don't be mad I didn't watch Reno any earli-OW WHO THREW THAT"
|72 61%||L'uomo meccanico (1921) - Nov 05, 2018
"Sometimes, life gets you down and you don't get around to watching or rating movies a whole lot, until you see the remaining footage of what might be the world's first B-movie featuring an amazing(ly goofy) robot that crashes a party, wins over the belle of the ball, loudly orders champagne and gets into a huge brawl. I should have those kind of life goals. Also, one memorable scene from Terminator 2 was completely ripped off from this. Would've loved to see a full print."
|70 55%||The Void (2016) - Nov 05, 2018
"I'd much rather have a movie with some flaws but a sense of creative enthusiasm behind it than... than... [Looks back at The Beyond with a sour expression]. Anyhoo, this worked for me, despite a simple setup and lack of decent characters. The physical effects were welcome and nicely gross, and as a whole it scratched that 'trapped in a crummy location while Evil is preparing for something' itch. Mental note; itch caused by weird new appendage, check with doctor or cult leader."
|40 20%||The Beyond (2017) - Nov 05, 2018
"Budget 'Arrival'. That whole process where you suspend your disbelief just enough to enjoy the contents just never happened here, so you end up with 1.5 hours of stock footage and actors regurgitating superficial dialogue, all working up to an emotionally unaffecting non-ending. I cringed every time I heard the term 'human 2.0'. "
|60 38%||11 A.M. (2013) - Oct 03, 2018
"Ever since my time-travelling family members decided to leave me stranded here in the 21st century, I've had a soft spot for time travel stories. This one is... hrm, it's ok. It sets up a decent 'I wonder how this is gonna go down' mystery, but then proceeds to fill in the mysterious blanks with rather unsurprising non-blanks. Oh, now that I have your attention, does anyone have a spare flux capacitor?"