Celluloid Junkie - 2635 Film Ratings
Member Since: Mar 31, 2008
Check out Barthalen's...
|37 18%||12 Days of Terror (2004) - Jul 25, 2019
"The idea of a shark movie set in early 20th century USA sounds interesting on paper, but it's just some bland-ass true story starring Tom Cruise's stunt double and doesn't feature Steve Buscemi tommygunning a megalodon from a ferris wheel while the guy playing Wayne Wheeler gets ripped to shreds by bullsharks in a vat of illegal whiskey. I really should stop making movie wishes on this monkey's paw."
|51 29%||Roboshark (2015) - Jul 18, 2019
"Starts off blandly, but around the halfway point the movie seems to properly embrace its own inherent silliness. Boring Dad turns into Hilariously Overacting Man, the standard military antagonist character becomes a highlight, and every scene with running troops is accompanied by way too many 'hut hut hut's. Once a dude called 'Bill Glates' shows up and every other scene contained a Spielberg or Kubrick reference, I was fully on board. Dumb, cheap, but fun. (Which is also my dating profile bio)"
|72 62%||Dead Heat (1988) - Jul 12, 2019
"Just the kind of schlock I was hoping for. The pacing's nice, there were a few 'hey, never saw that in a zombie movie before' moments and some of the make-up/effects are impressive. There's no time to consider the existential ramifications of returning from the dead, instead we get mullets, uzis and one-liners. Fine by me! And Vincent Price's presence is the cheesy cherry on top. [Mental note; ask the lads at R&D to infuse cherries with cheese]"
|72 62%||Project A 2 (1987) - Jul 08, 2019
"Whenever plot needs to happen it's so-so, but the action scenes are pretty damn entertaining. The stuntwork looks thrillingly dangerous at times and it has a wonderfully varied final chase/fight sequence that left me satisfied. As someone who is too puny for spicy food, that pepper punchup part made me wince."
|10 5%||Wild Cherry (2009) - Jul 08, 2019
"The Rob Schneider Project-day 29. The white room. Safe here... No pain in the white room. I sleep here now. Adam is in the room with me. Adam is my.. friend? White room. White room! Adam is talking to me. He says my name is Rob. Adam needs me to remember this very well. But when I sleep I remember... other friends. Doctors. All dead? I get upset and then the sleepy gas comes. They make me watch a movie to calm down. I like the funny curly man in it. He looks sad on the inside. ...Why do I cry?"
|18 9%||You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008) - Jul 08, 2019
"The Rob Schneider Project-day 28. How long was I gone? I wake up and find myself bound to a surgery table. A labcoat wearing Kevin James looms over me. "See, the host personality is resurfacing! I told you his mind wasn't broken properly!". Adam Sandler replies from behind me. "Then we continue. Do Zohan this time. On repeat. That'll teach him". Kevin grins at me. "Hey, at least he didn't pick Grown Ups." Then the movie starts and the pain follows. Oh god! I'm not Rob Schneider! I AM NOT ROB SCH"
|69 51%||I Am Not a Serial Killer (2016) - Jun 25, 2019
"The semi-documentary look was effective in making me feel immersed in the setting. Records makes for a convincingly disturbed protagonist and Lloyd is perfectly cast. Doesn't really go anywhere truly interesting, but I was enjoying the ride. Erm, not in a messed up way though. I am not a serial killer."
|40 20%||The Time Travelers (1964) - Jun 25, 2019
"It's all so damn plain looking, plainly acted and, plainly put, boring. Those androids would've given me nightmares if I'd seen this as a kid. There's a goofy charm in the stage-magician style "special effects", but that's about it. Also it will take some time getting used to MST3K_2K17. ...That honestly wasn't supposed to be a dumb pun regarding the movie title and I should ideally just delete this entire sentence but I won't for reasons I don't quite understand myself."
|80 81%||Dude Bro Party Massacre III (2015) - Jun 25, 2019
"The third entry in this normally ho-hum franchise turns everything you thought you knew on its head, bro. I don't know what Paxton was smoking but the actor playing Brent was MILES ahead of the dude who played Brock, truly selling me on a wide range of emotions. I did appreciate seeing the highlight reel of the previous ones, but that can't compare with next level drama like Turbeaux being ashamed of his tiny hairy dog dick. Gotta check parts 4 through 6 now, and can't wait for the 7th!"
|59 36%||Astrópía (2007) - Jun 25, 2019
"It's all quite simple and predictable and amateurish, but as a D&Dork I can't not give it some additional SympathyPoints. (SympathyPoints are non-refundable and have no intrinsic value. Keep out of reach of children or animals trained to fetch things. After ingesting SympathyPoints, consult a doctor or Cleric of level 3 or higher)"