Celluloid Junkie - 2645 Film Ratings
Member Since: Mar 31, 2008
Check out Barthalen's...
|19 10%||American Virgin (2009) - Nov 28, 2019
"The Rob Schneider Project-day 30. I have been living with Ada- I mean, Mr. Sandler for weeks. I can't leave but he lets me watch movies all day, mostly ones with me in them! They're great! I like watching the movie with the ladies where I look at their boobies the most! But I can't remember making it? I still sometimes dream I am an old man who is very smart and sad. I have to go now, Adam says we are going to do important work together and it is time for me to 'Grown Ups'?!?! OK, haha, bye!"
|49 26%||Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) - Nov 20, 2019
"Oh, good, family drama bullshit in the movie about dealing with the existence of world-ending-threat (behe)moths. Oh, good, once shit goes down it's just blue or orange saturated scenes of weightless CGI creatures draining my reasons to care. Yeah, that's what I came here for. No, it's fine, I'll finish your empty action spectacle and not think about what could have been. I'm having a good time, honest. [Wipes away tears from faded Shin Godzilla photo, whispering "I miss you"]"
|54 31%||Between Two Ferns: The Movie (2019) - Nov 19, 2019
"Maybe it's because I'm too familiar with the Comedy Bang Bang podcast, but my suspension of disbelief never kicked in so I was just watching celebrities/improv comedians who knew each other act like they didn't and that kind of ruined it for me. Maybe I'm doing movies wrong? Oh, and also most of it is just The Most Boilerplate Road Movie and that's rather disappointing considering the people in front of and behind the camera/ferns."
|78 74%||Spooky Encounters (1980) - Nov 19, 2019
"What it might've lacked in the amount of truly impressive action scenes, it made up for with the kind of 'wait, what' content I am a sucker for. Sammo Hung channeling a monkey spirit, coffin-fu, unwitting zombie-spooning and a climax consisting of two priests on extended scaffolding spitting fire at each other? Oh movie, it's like you know me all too well."
|29 14%||The Last Bad Neighborhood (2008) - Nov 19, 2019
"If everything about this production wasn't so low quality I might've appreciated the story switcheroo more, where the boss's 'just standing in the background' henchman turns out to have been the main character all along. Trivia: the only lyrics in the movie's theme song are the words in the movie's title (repeated thirty times). Also, why hasn't Paul Logan been cast as Batman yet, gosh darnit??"
|68 48%||Spider-Man: Far from Home (2019) - Nov 19, 2019
"That sure was a Spider-movie. Works as light entertainment with a fun cast and breezy-ish content, but the main drawback for me was the bland enemy design and subsequent hard-to-care-about action and progression. As a kid I was a huge Mysterio fan and I guess this version was kind of okaaayyy?? [Looks over shoulder at spirit of Young Barthalen giving a tepid thumbs-up] Yeah I guess it was kind of okay. Just feels like it could've achieved more, much like how Young Barthalen thinks of me."
|82 86%||Hereditary (2018) - Nov 15, 2019
"At times unbearably tense or uncomfortable, this was exactly the kind of horror experience I didn't realise I was missing for a while. There's slow camera movement with long takes, a gripping score, creepy old naked people and it doesn't even use jumpscares. The heavy focus on Serious Drama halfway only helps build toward that satisfying conclusion where everything (tongue)clicks into place. "
|72 62%||Bad Black (2017) - Nov 15, 2019
"Sooo for the entire duration there is voiceover commentary by VJ EMMIE and it turns Bad Black from a kind-of-amusing B-movie into something pretty damn glorious. A character falls into a ditch and VJ EMMIE lets us know "that, my friend, was poopoo. For real. This is Uganda. Poopoo everywhere". Also there's a kid named Wesley Snipes punching a white dude with exaggerated sound effects and like the child I am I couldn't stop laughing."
|62 41%||Us (2019) - Nov 15, 2019
"A bit of a clunky misfire. The setup got me hooked and I was eagerly waiting for some interesting reveals to drop, but once they do the whole thing just kinda deflates and all the tension and goodwill evaportated for me. "
|33 16%||X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019) - Nov 15, 2019
"The upper management of BarthCorp would like to apologise for the long absence of Movie Review Unit designate 'Barthalen', who regrettably perished in a disgusting yet hilarious liquefier-related incident. Using DNA- and memory-backups, BarthCorp has been able to create and accela-grow a replacement and I will strive towards fulfilling the standards set by my predecessor. With all that out of the way; this movie was a boring piece of goddamn shit, fuck!"