Celluloid Junkie - 3633 Film Ratings
Member Since: May 17, 2008
Location: Rochester, MN, USA
Bio: i love movies, in fact i am on a quest to see all of the movies ever made, i do realize that's not possible, but at least i set the bar high. i was drawn even more to this site after i got my first star. i now write mini-reviews for every movie i watch, and am going through my back catalog to write them for every movie i've rated, i've got a long way to go. might i interest you in donating to the give me a star foundation?
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|50 7%||Assassin's Creed (2016) - Nov 06, 2017
"This is what happens when you scrape the bottom of the barrel and throw your movie plot chips on a video game's story. Uwe Boll found out the hard way that in 15 minutes of plot a video game has, holes are ok, but give it 90 minutes to marinade and you've got a crap sandwich. Since there's a genetic code for violence and it's been hidden in this "apple" for over 500 years, what exactly would the Templar have done with it prior to Watson and Crick? Eat it? Or smear it on like a salve?"
|79 67%||Noah (2014) - Nov 16, 2017
"Basically Aronofsky came up with the biblical story of Noah, as told by a ten year old with an overactive imagination, who was told the story by a ten year old with an overactive imagination, who was read the story by a priest who, incidentally, was having a stroke while reading a badly water damaged copy of the bible. And you know what? That's a pretty entertaining game of telephone right there. It's got Noah, it's got water, and...um rock monsters. You're gonna love it."
|89 96%||The Conjuring (2013) - Dec 27, 2016
"This is the scary ass, haunted, cursed voodoo movie that you thought you were going to see when you heard news stories and advertisements for "The Blair Witch Project" and "Paranormal Activity", only this one is a bona fide, knock your socks off, scare fest. I was so friggin' scared that I was swearing out loud in the movie theater, something I've never done before."
|30 1%||Point Break (2015) - Mar 20, 2017
"This is what happens when you needlessly remake an inexplicable cult favorite, thinking that superfans will eat it up no matter how you pervert the plot, so long as you keep the title intact. When the main characters are not retardedly slinging around pea-brained philosophies apparently built off of a cross of Buddhism and "The Fast and The Furious" they spend their time falling off mountains and getting pummeled by waves, occasionally taking a break to destroy large sums of money for no reason."
|70 29%||The Lost City of Z (2017) - Dec 07, 2017
"Advertised as an epic adventure movie, but it's really a slow moving biography, cutting up jungle time with trips back to England and even a bout in WWI. Miller is below average, except in the looks department, Hunnam is lukewarm, but Pattinson really shines here. For some insane reason Gray tries to leave the ending up to your imagination, but it's pretty easy to guess what happened to Fawcett: he died, that's what happens when you go places where spiders eat birds, dude."
|76 53%||Warcraft (2016) - Oct 05, 2017
"As a work of art, a critic's film, this is complete crap. But it's an action movie, it's made for people who don't give a shit about tracking shots, metaphors, and film theory. I really anticipated a dud here, I have no idea how closely it followed the games, but there's way way too much lore to fit into two hours and you can tell, because the movie glosses over details that I'm sure a WoW player would appreciate, but the movie is not bad, not at all, except for Ben Foster, he really sucks here."
|70 29%||Sucker Punch (2011) - Jul 04, 2011
"Snyder was trying pretty hard to take his glossy stylized action and drape it over an intriguing and sophisticated story, it ended up like a very determined man attempting to mince an onion with a candelabra. It still has great eye candy, especially of the female variety, but don't expect a movie that will astonish you, or even vaguely satisfy any deeper cerebral function."
|76 53%||Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015) - Dec 04, 2017
"Episodes 4-6 gained a rabid following of sci-fi misfits. Episodes 1-3 quaked the fan community's faith. Now, we see a return to form, an apology to the fans in the form of an infinitely better movie. For the uninitiated, or the fence sitters, like myself, "The Force Awakens" is an entertaining and complacent revelry in the universe that Lucas created forty years ago. The world building has ended, and fans may be sated, but I'm a little disappointed, but that's not to say it's not a good movie."