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Celluloid Junkie - 2836 Film Ratings

Member Since: May 17, 2009

Location: Sunnyvale, California, USA

Age: 34

Bio: The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla
more Featured Reviews
0% The View (1997) - Nov 02, 2015
"A network executive wondered whether it was possible to have a talk show based on a worse trogoldyte monstrosity than Oprah. Naturally, no ONE person could surpass Oprah in this category. Thus, he had the brilliantly evil idea to create a show with at least 4 venomous harpies, hoping their combined stupidity and odiousness would be enough. It was. Naturally, the show has been a big hit and is running strong 18 years later. Also doubles as the best argument against giving women the vote."
90 99% A Clockwork Orange (1971) - Jun 07, 2010
"You will find no bigger critic than Kubrick of me, and I feel he is grossly overrated...but this is a genuinely amazing film. It's deliciously evil and unpredictable; a garish nightmare of the future with bright colors and sex everywhere. The only slight criticism is the decent but not great ending (what happens to Alex and the administration next?), and the slightly lacking editing for the prison scenes.Oh, and McDowell's performance as Alex DeLarge is one of the greatest in movie history."
20 8% Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991) - May 22, 2009
"For a comedy, this sure lacks any jokes. Christina Applegate's character is an annoying, unsympathetic, humorless bitch, and her "crazy brother" is a static bore, flunking the funnyman role. There's something about a fashion show, featuring costumes clearly designed to corner the lucrative clown market. I think the old babysitter's corpse was the funniest thing about this picture, not to mention the best actor. It only gets 20 points for being so moronic at times that it's actually funny."
89 98% Kanal (1957) - May 17, 2009
"A harrowing and intense look at the Polish Kanalization during the Nazi raids; the love, loyalty, and emotion these people share in their last hours of life. One of the greatest, emptiest, and most tragic endings I have ever seen. "
25 14% Zombie Lake (1981) - May 17, 2009
"Every time the hot blonde girl gets naked and starts having sex, Nazi zombies show up and start eating her. As soon as they leave, she goes back to having sex. After which they return. Rinse and repeat. "
30 21% Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005) - May 18, 2009
"Another example of how fucking stupid Hollywood thinks people are; screw choreography (generic and poorly executed), pacing (slow as dishwater until the very end), dialogue (inanely dumb), or any kind of plot. (non-existent) No, apparently, seeing a Hollywood power couple figuring out ways to waste 90 minutes of screentime while looking attractive is enough for us peons! The premise had potential, and Vaughn's character is funny (as usual, in a terrible film), but sadly, it sucks. "
91 99% Conan the Barbarian (1982) - May 17, 2009
"A true swords and sandals epic, which Milius patterned after Sergio Leone's Westerns, and wrote after "Apocalypse Now". Like Leone's greatest works, "Conan the Barbarian" has unbelievable, epic scenery, larger than life characters played by actors perfect for their roles, (James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom is especially good) and unforgettable music. Many great quotes and memorable, touching scenes. I have watched this film no fewer than 100 times, and I still get goosebumps at some parts. [Read Full Review]"
81 95% The Siege of Firebase Gloria (1989) - Dec 13, 2010
"One of the most criminally overlooked films EVER, in part because it was directed by shlockmeister Brian Trenchard-Smith. Ermey is a powerhouse here, surpassing his own role in "Fullmetal Jacket" in many ways. The story, clearly inspired by Platoon and Apocalypse Now, takes things in a different direction, concentrating heavily on the Viet Cong. The action is wonderful, but so are the themes and ideas behind it. A borderline masterpiece and one of the greatest war films I have seen."
30 21% Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999) - Jun 24, 2009
"Let me get this straight; 3 students invade a teacher's home, beat her unconscious, tie her to a bed, and at one point, sexually assault her....and she's the villain and they're good? Seriously? "
67 69% Super Mario Bros. (1993) - May 18, 2009
"When I watched this as an 8 year-old, I hated the film because it was so different than the video game. When I re-watched it at 15, I discovered a funny, fast-paced, entertaining film with excellent performances by Dennis Hopper, John Leguizamo, Bob Hoskins, and Samantha Mathis. JUDGED ON ITS OWN MERITS, "Super Mario Bros." is perfectly worthy, light-hearted entertainment. Just forget about the freaking video game first."