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TheDenizen

Celluloid Junkie - 3076 Film Ratings

Member Since: Apr 13, 2006

Location: Toronto, Canada

Age: 44

Gender: Male

Status: Single

Bio: I watch Kung Fu, Samurai, Exploitation, Action, Western, and Horror flicks. I can enjoy the classics, but I especially love low budget garbage.
more Featured Reviews
60 40% Beowulf & Grendel (2005) - May 27, 2007
"OK, but the sex scene between Beowulf and the (randomly and pointlessly added to the tale) witch character is hilariously awful. Fully clothed, awkward movements, unpleasant noises....just terrible stuff. Also, Gerard Butler makes zero attempt to disguise his Scottish accent."
45 21% The Ruins (2008) - Jul 05, 2011
"A bunch of extremely unlikeable American college students trek into the Mexican jungle to seek out a hidden Mayan temple against the dire warnings of the locals. When they get there, they get eaten by a carnivorous CGI plant. Seriously one of the dumbest ideas ever, only saved from being a total dud by a handful of choice gore scenes. From the trailer, I thought it'd be a grown up version of The Goonies with ancient booby traps inside the temple and shit, but I was so wrong."
55 33% Jackson County Jail (1976) - Jan 02, 2014
"A woman driving across country ends up forced to spend the night in a backwoods county lockup, where she gets raped by a hillbilly cop. She murders the cop in a rage, and then goes on the run with another prisoner. It's not great and offers zero surprises...and other than showcasing the ability of a young Tommy Lee Jones to radiate a powerful aura of hopelessness without a word, I can't really think of a compelling reason for this to exist."
75 74% Snowpiercer (2014) - Jan 27, 2015
"A sudden ice age reduces humanity to a small number of people aboard a high tech super train, endlessly circling the dead planet. This film takes a ludicrous premise and commits to it completely with an insane abandon that immediately brings Terry Gilliam to mind. The plot twist is an obvious one and the ending is senseless, but it serves up more than enough visual surprises and bloody action to satisfy. Tilda Swinton steals the first half of the movie with a hilarious performance."
50 26% Shortbus (2006) - Sep 19, 2012
"It's mostly novel for featuring several non-porn actors in scenes of explicit sex, but none of it is very sexy (probably intentionally) and the story is pretty trite: endless scenes of people too stupid to communicate effectively with each other moping about their various dysfunctions. It does have a queer threesome with a dude singing the Star Spangled Banner into another dudes asshole though...so, yeah. Score mostly because I got to see Sook-Yin Lee getting railed, however briefly."
60 40% Vixen! (1968) - Dec 06, 2012
"An absurdly racist married woman fucks just about every person she meets in this silly Russ Meyer softcore boobfest, including a sexy lesbian romp and a roll in the hay with her own brother. Erica Gavin has a great body but is a pretty terrible actress, so every scene where she's not naked is an endurance test. Then at the end the movie shoehorns in a ridiculous message that can be summed up as: "Racism in America is bad, but at least we're not filthy Communists." Ok, Russ."
65 51% Fatal Attraction (1987) - Aug 14, 2007
"Michael Douglas and Glenn Close fuck in the sink, and then she tries to kill his family. The original "bunny boiler"."
10 3% Double Dragon (1994) - Jun 13, 2011
"I thought to myself, "It's got Mark Dacascos and Alyssa Milano when she was still young and hot...how bad could it be?" The answer is very, very bad indeed, almost unwatchable. WTF was up with that Abobo monster?"
50 26% Top Gun (1986) - Aug 14, 2007
"The King of Hollywood Homoeroticism...at least until 300 came along. Kind of ironic that despite this being just about the gayest movie ever (that's not actually about a gay person), the only one of the principal actors to come out of the closet after filming this was Kelly McGillis."
65 51% Lorna, the Exorcist (1974) - Dec 21, 2010
"I've heard Jess Franco's films of the mid 70's described as "Lina Romay and friends visit the gynecologist", and that's pretty much it. Romay is young and sexy, and Franco lets the camera linger on her naked form for extended takes. Who cares if it doesn't really make sense? You've got to love a movie that starts with an eight minute lesbian sex scene."