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TheDenizen

Celluloid Junkie - 2968 Rankings

Member Since: Apr 13, 2006

Location: Toronto, Canada

Age: 42

Gender: Male

Status: Single

Bio: I watch Kung Fu, Samurai, Exploitation, Action, Western, and Horror flicks. I can enjoy the classics, but I especially love low budget garbage.

more Featured Reviews
65 T6 Lola (1970) - May 08, 2011
"Bronson plays a 38 year old American erotic novelist living in England who marries a 16 year old schoolgirl. When the locals and her family disapprove, they move to America to start over. Susan George is devastatingly cute throughout, but there's no nudity or sex, it's all about the difficulties the couple face learning to live together and dealing with the reactions of others to their relationship. Actually pretty funny in parts, and Bronson manages not to come across like a creepy pedophile. "
10 T1 Newsies (1992) - Aug 13, 2007
"A musical about angry paperboys at the turn of the 20th century. Who in the hell thought this material would be interesting in the slightest?"
60 T5 Clash of the Warlords (1985) - Dec 08, 2010
"Cheesy Post Apocalyptic flick made in the Philippines in the 80s. The main guy is a barbarian called Rex who uses a mini battleaxe to fight in a big arena, Thunderdome style. The bad dude Malzon has an awesome half-metal mask with a bunch of spikes and shit and at the end they fight with light sabers. Total gonzo insanity packed with cheap gore and machine gun battles, it's only 70 minutes long so it never gets too boring. Fun crap."
75 T8 Crimson Bat, the Blind Swordswoman (1969) - Oct 05, 2012
"Shochiku Eiga's female knockoff version of the wildly popular Daiei character Zatoichi, this flick even takes a cheap shot at Shintaro Katsu's iconic swordsman by including a buffoonish blind masseur who gets easily bullied. Nevertheless, it's action packed and soaked in spraying blood, plus Yôko Matsuyama achieves a kind of bizarre otherworldly beauty as she stares blindly with a perfectly still white face, and then suddenly tilts her head towards the sounds of her opponents."
55 T4 Jackson County Jail (1976) - Jan 01, 2014
"A woman driving across country ends up forced to spend the night in a backwoods county lockup, where she gets raped by a hillbilly cop. She murders the cop in a rage, and then goes on the run with another prisoner. It's not great and offers zero surprises...and other than showcasing the ability of a young Tommy Lee Jones to radiate a powerful aura of hopelessness without a word, I can't really think of a compelling reason for this to exist."
30 T2 Don't Go Near the Park (1981) - Jun 11, 2012
"Dopey horror flick about a trio of runaway kids living on an abandoned and supposedly haunted ranch (inexplicably in the middle of a park) who get terrorized by the last two survivors of an ancient race of immortal cannibals. Take a moment to let your brain assimilate that mental plot summary. Awful script, awful acting, awful effects and the only recognizable name is Linnea Quigley who gets wasted in a short cameo role (though she does manage to squeeze a brief shower scene in there)."
70 T7 Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) - Apr 29, 2011
"Brandon Lee (RIP) gives one of the campiest performances I've ever seen in this cop/buddy flick which sees Dolph Lundgren dressing up like a samurai to machine gun down endless hordes of yakuza. Lee actually utters the words "You have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man" to Dolph. Ultra cheesy lines, a bunch of huge brawls, and more squibs than you can shake a stick at. The Lundgren-Tia Carrere sex scene is the funniest 20 seconds of your life."
80 T9 Bad Day at Black Rock (1955) - Aug 13, 2007
"Robert Ryan makes a silly red cap fairly menacing. Historically significant movie for kung fu geeks, Spencer Tracy's "judo" is the earliest example of Asian martial arts in American film."
80 T9 The Devil's Sword (1984) - Sep 19, 2009
"Oh my. At the start of this movie, the main bad guy EXPLODES into existence out of a giant rock. He kicks a boulder in the air, and JUMPS ON IT, and rides the flying boulder down the side of a mountain. THEN it gets awesome. Insanely bloody kung fu fights, mind-bendingly cheap effects (they shoot lasers out of their frickin' hands), and a bunch of g-rated, fully clothed sex scenes. They spend the whole movie trying to get the Devil's Sword, and then they NEVER USE IT ONCE. "
45 T3 Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs (1943) - Apr 07, 2012
"Stupid and racially insensitive black version of Snow White...but man, "So White" has an absolutely smokin' body for a cartoon chick from the 40's. Betty Rubble, you have been replaced."