SpikyCactus
Bio: A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Like most concepts that outlive their original purpose, Cactus World is an ill thought-out but increasingly complex muddle of canonical contradictions, fuelled by a mixture of decent alcohol (vegan cider and wine, 'interesting' beer and Guinness), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody, a parasitic observer of life rather than a participant in it.
I learnt everything I need to know about life from watching Tom & Jerry, Laurel & Hardy and Star Trek, growing cacti (and other succulents), reading Thomas Hardy, going hiking/camping, playing Traveller (it's a role-playing game), listening to punk, skanking really badly and owning a guitar I will never learn to play.
On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, cacti (and other succulents), chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I do occasionally write something coherent about the film itself, but mostly I just go off on a tangent somewhere else. I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously, genuinely know something films and are interested in other people's thoughts on them; but please, just try and roll with it.
I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.
My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I found entertaining but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. I score heavily based on how much I enjoy a film, although I will begrudgingly give a slightly higher one to movies that have a value outside of my enjoyment of them, be it social, historical or technical. Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!
TV Series. I don't rate these. This is partly because I'm just not capable of condensing several seasons into one paragraph of flippant comments. Also, it's a big commitment to watch a TV series all the way though. This means I only do so if they're really good, which then unbalances my scores here with too much TV near the top of my list. TV should have its own section, like games do.
Games. I do rate these, but I take so long to play through them that I only add one very occasionally. I have to be in the right mood to play one as it's just so much easier to sit down and watch a film, rather than face horrific dangers, terrifying monsters, impossible puzzles or certain death, over and over and over again.
Recent Ratings
Check out SpikyCactus's...
| 70 46% | The Thing (1982) - Rated 12 May 2024
"Top badass moment? The Thing itself; a tour de force of grossness. Everything is great about this film, except the cliché driven script and one-dimensional characters. But here's the thing (ha-ha), I just can’t accept that an alcoholic helicopter pilot can discover a way to work out how to test people to see if they’re human; it requires a leap of faith so wide even Superman couldn't jump it. And a research station equipped with weapon-grade flamethrowers? No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 40 2% | Enys Men (2022) - Rated 05 May 2024
"Top badass moment? To be honest they’re so few moments of any sort, there isn’t really one. A woman measures the soil temperature each day near a plant (that isn’t even real anyway). And throws a stone or two down an old well. And likes tea. And looks to be a pretty slow reader. And has an overimaginative imagination. That’s it. Oh, nearly forgot, there're lots of meaningful, lingering shots of seagulls and stuff. I guess I'm saying I didn't think much of it. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 80 78% | Juno (2007) - Rated 28 Apr 2024
"Top badass moment? If having a copy of “If I Were A Carpenter” on CD makes Mark that cool – well I have the original 7 x 7” box set version. So here’s another film that’s so indie, none of the characters in it could possibly exist in real life. The fact that drinking that much Sunny D doesn’t make Juno literally explode mentally and physically, or at the very least have a horrible miscarriage, pretty well proves it. I also really hate that poster/sleeve too. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 45 4% | Ikenie fujin (1974) - Rated 21 Apr 2024
"Top badass moment? The way the music suddenly swells like at a climactic moment in an old, black & white movie, when the, eh, toilet scene reaches its conclusion; talk about laughing at an inappropriate moment. So, divorcee Kunisada isn’t happy with the settlement he got and wants a second chance. I got the feeling that after an hour or so, they’d run out of money or interest and decided to quickly finish things, as the story suddenly jumps forward loads. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 60 20% | The Phantom (1996) - Rated 14 Apr 2024
"Top badass moment? Billy Zane cross-dressing as Seven of Nine; kinky. “The Phantom” (or to give it its full title “Indiana Jones and the Phantom of Bengalla”) is a decent looking film with a great scene-chewing bad guy. Sadly, The Phantom always seems so many steps ahead of the baddies that it generates zero tension for the viewer. It does however, give a text-book example of how to toss off a dull origin story in two minutes, so we can get on with things. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 65 29% | Portal (2019) - Rated 07 Apr 2024
"Top badass moment? Wow, that’s quite a toll payment; it makes 5p to cross the Swinford Toll Bridge seem pretty good value. I'm not sure this film's as bad as people make out. I’ll admit, I’d struggle to explain what was going on beyond the obvious, and the script and acting were a bit wobbly at times, but it does sustain a great atmosphere of foreboding. And I've a soft spot for quack physics in films, too. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations, although there is a most excellent exploding head."
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| 65 29% | Tommy (1975) - Rated 01 Apr 2024
"Top badass moment? I prefer my baked beans on toast or baked potatoes, but for those who include them in their list of kinks, this must be their “Shawshank Redemption”. Just admit it, it’s pretentious bollocks isn’t it? Thank goodness punk came along a year later and swept all this sort of nonsense aside. (And I’ve got a box set of all The Who’s singles and I really like pinball too, so I’m not just being mean.) False idols making a film about false idols. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 50 8% | The Mark (2012) - Rated 01 Apr 2024
"Top badass moment? In the middle of a hijacking, a shit-load of people suddenly ascend into Heaven. C'mon, you can't seriously accuse God of not still having it. So we're told Avanti invents the Devil's microchip. I guess that explains Avanti's West Coast rail service (and the existence of Standard Premium Class) - it's basically Satan's train set. Occasionally it hits the mark (see what I did there), but mostly it was all a bit too shonky for my taste. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 70 46% | If Only... (1998) - Rated 01 Apr 2024
"Top badass moment? I recently saw a team of refuse executives (or whatever they call binmen now) pull stuff out of my estate’s bins, dump it on the ground and then empty the rest into their lorry, leaving the dumped stuff behind, thus becoming fly-tippers; not very magical. This is a solid romcom with a twist; i.e. it’s full of clichés, unrealistic views of London life and relies on a totally unexplained MacGuffin to drive the whole story. I quite enjoyed it. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 55 13% | Night of the Living Dead (1968) - Rated 25 Mar 2024
"Top badass moment? Everything was so inflammable in those days; thank goodness for modern flame retardants. It’s clichéd (even if it did actually invent some of them), incredibly sexist and after “The Walking Dead” as horrific as candyfloss; (although I appreciate the latter can have a terrifying effect on your teeth and waistline). It also has a Black guy as the hero, who has to deal with one of the most annoying, useless groups of people in all of filmdom. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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