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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 541 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 56

Gender: Male

Bio:


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to generate). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead, but it's too late now to change; I'm afraid that ship, like so many before it, has well and truly sailed.) Anything that gets less than 70 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And somewhat annoyingly, I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter as I'm so feeble minded.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

more Recent Ratings
75 61% St. Trinian's (2007) - Jun 24, 2019
"Top badass moment? My relief, when I consider just how really bad this could have been. Ofsted’s favourite school returns with a mostly funny story about a load of posh girls stealing the world’s most beautiful Dutch painting, (so Wikipedia tells me). Whilst adding an Undertones song to a soundtrack (despite it being a dodgy cover version) is always a very good move. As is having Sarah Connor disguised as a geography teacher watching out for Terminators. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
55 13% Planet of the Apes (1968) - Jun 23, 2019
"Top badass moment? God damn you all to Hell! Why do so many people love this film? Sure, it’s got a decent plot, but the characters have so little depth they provide scientific proof that zero-dimensional objects exist. Taylor? More stupid behaviour than a teen in a slasher. Zira? Names Taylor after a blue horse in My Little Pony. Nova? Has a character ever had more screen time and done less with it? Zaius? Was only there to explain the story to viewers. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations. "
40 2% Caligola: La storia mai raccontata (1982) - Jun 23, 2019
"Top badass moment? Whatever else you think of him, Caligula certainly knew how to host a party. Wine, women (mostly naked), song (although a bit limited as the electric guitar hadn’t been invented yet), men getting into fights (to the death), food (mostly just whole chickens and grapes though)… and a horse. (The version of the film I watched didn’t elaborate on the latter.) It's a shame Star Trek didn't base the Romulans on this version of the Romans. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% House at the End of the Street (2012) - Jun 17, 2019
"Top badass moment? Discovering than JL's singing voice is so high only babies and dogs can hear it. For the rest of us she just sings an instrumental. Well this film’s all a bit average. It was nice to see a few compact cassettes and Jen was lovely as usual, although she only got one chance to do her ‘woman on the edge of sanity pulling a horrified face' thing. Shame, as it just makes me want to give her a great big cuddle and say everything'll be okay. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
50 8% Waldo the Dog (2010) - Jun 16, 2019
"Top badass moment? It’s amazing what you can do for the price of a round. But this isn’t a good film, in fact it’s 2 hours of cheaply made, nothing much. However, it is strangely hypnotic in a way only magnolia paint drying can be, with it’s endless and mostly one-sided conversation between a very average 19-year-old woman and a man in a rubber dog hood. And wrestling; and searching bins for food; and the UTTERLY random plot device guy at the end!! No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Faults (2015) - Jun 16, 2019
"Top badass moment? Ansel so gets served. Ha-ha, what a loser. So anyway, the plot. After being rejected by Scott Pilgrim (although it depends on which ending you watch), the chick with the mostly red hair goes off and joins a weird cult that allows you to walk through doors. Actually that sounds pretty useful, I might join too. But seriously, who sees the work adviser at school and says I want to deprogramme people? Then again, there's plenty of work about. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% Piggy Banks (2005) - Jun 09, 2019
"Top badass moment? Being self-employed can be difficult at times. Maintaining an adequate cashflow, getting invoices paid, dealing with resources, staffing, H&S; the list is endless. This documentary provides a great example of two brothers who, supported initially by their father, decided to work together and develop their own thriving business. However, I got the distinct impression that they probably weren’t paying tax on their earnings. Disgraceful! No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% Life of Pi (2012) - Jun 05, 2019
"Top badass moment? Seeing a vegetarian eat meat, just to stay alive. Pathetic. No moral backbone! I thought this was going to be a documentary about the Greek physicist Archimedes. Turns out it's just an ad for comparethemarket.com, about a guy who thinks he’s David Attenborough. Stuck on a boat and unable to use his 2 for 1 cinema tickets, he visits the company’s island HQ to complain, but ends up nearly dissolving in a pool of meerkat piss. Eew! 1 (big) cat, no chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Truth or Dare (2012) - Jun 03, 2019
"Top badass moment? Eleanor, clearly inspired by the current Spice Girls reunion, going all girl power on Justin. For the first half of this film I found myself thinking how fairly plausible everyone's action's could be. Then Justin hands over his gun to Luke (?!), which precipitates a tsunami of horror behaviour clichés that all but swamp the rest of the movie. A shame, as I was enjoying seeing some ‘old money’ deal with the young whippersnappers. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% White House Down (2013) - Jun 02, 2019
"Top badass moment? It’s got miniguns in it! Here we have more guilt-complex blood-letting by the Americans, as another movie strives to demonstrate how bad they know they’ve been and how corrupt their politicians are, but it’s okay as it's also got enough heroes and modern-family values to sort the problem out. But who cares, as it's well made, fun, stupid, stuff blows up and even manages to fit in one of those kids that only exist in Hollywood movies. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."