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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 563 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 56

Gender: Male

Bio:


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead, but it's too late now to change; I'm afraid that ship, like so many before it, has well and truly sailed.) Anything that gets less than 70 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And somewhat annoyingly, I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter as I'm so feeble minded.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

more Recent Ratings
70 42% Crime Or Punishment?!? (2009) - Aug 18, 2019
"Top badass moment? Ayame's speech from the balcony; embarrassing even to watch. This is a Japanese comedy, so it's of course inscrutable to the average Western mind. 1 chainsaw, a powerful Hitachi (l think a CS45EL with a 16" or 18” bar). I also feel compelled to point out that wearing just a slip is not a suitable level of PPE. (Brave actor, could see it kicking back a bit when she revved the engine.) 1 (ill) cat who a police officer cruelly boots down a corridor; bastard. No decapitations."
70 42% Disfigured (2008) - Aug 12, 2019
"Top badass moment? Discovering that 'big' people are useless. I know this to be true, as although in America over 66% of adults are overweight, they still need special groups to try and get themselves accepted. What The Fat? They should just go sit on all the selfish, skinny health freaks until they get their way. And when Armageddon comes, we'll all be glad they’re around as they’ll outlast everyone else. It's a survival trait; (that's my excuse anyway). No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% This Must Be the Place (2011) - Aug 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? A movie about a goth with no goth music in it? Duh! This film seems to exist mainly to promote the director’s masturbatory fantasy band, Talking Heads. We're forced to listen to 6 versions of the title track and then view David Byrne’s latest art installation. Neither has any useful connection to the plot. But somehow Sean Penn manages to create a very genuine movie from this incoherent muddle. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations. “Once in a Lifetime” is rubbish too."
90 93% The Divide (2011) - Aug 04, 2019
"Top badass moment? A group of nuclear attack survivors find shelter in the world's best stocked basement. Seriously, it had more supplies than my local Tesco. Unfortunately it's run by Kyle 'Why Won't Anyone Sell Me Any Life Insurance' Reece. I loved this film, especially its ending; it fits my worldview. It starts off pretty generic but then gets better. And be honest, who hasn't at some point wanted to cut up and then flush a body down a toilet? Oh, okay. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% The Wave (2008) - Aug 03, 2019
"Top badass moment? Well, that escalated quickly. This isn't a documentary about surfing, but a DIY guide to forming your very own Fourth Reich, complete with adoring followers, rebels and nutters, plus an eye-catching logo and silly salute. All it takes are some old punk band t-shirts, a lax school culture and, apparently, water polo and a MySpace page. Personally I think it would've been a lot easier to introduce some discipline by bringing back the cane. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
65 26% Wassup Rockers (2005) - Aug 02, 2019
"Top badass moment? Whassup?! Remember that ad campaign, where we learnt that Budweiser (an oversweet, fizzy lager of last resort) robs you of your mind and makes you talk shite? So some punks from 'the ghetto' go for a trip to Beverly Hills to skateboard but end up in increasingly farcical situations. But most of the time they're just falling off their boards and talking like they've been drinking Budweiser. The hardcore punk soundtrack is decent though. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% Aliens (1986) - Aug 01, 2019
"Top badass moment? Now that’s what I call girl-on-girl action. Meanwhile, a rent a cliché of soldiers runs around a lot saying macho stuff… until they actually have to do something; I’ve used tougher own-brand multi-surface cleaner. And Sarah Connor’s boyfriend comes to the conclusion that his choice in ladies isn't very healthy. In the end Ms Weaver is left to clear up the mess, pick up the kids, look after the pets... and save humanity... again. 1 cat, no chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% The Last Horror Movie (2003) - Jul 27, 2019
"Top badass moment? The view across the Westway, a road I frequently drive along or pass by train, that's forever linked to the Clash. Saw That Petrol Emotion play Bay 63 (now called Subterania), a venue right underneath it, in September 1986. Even today, this road still epitomises the concrete nightmare that was 60s architecture. But yes, this film. It was fine, a bit too humorous to be truly scary, but it has its moments. Also, what's a video rental store? No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Fausto 5.0 (2001) - Jul 24, 2019
"Top badass moment? In the Faustian legend, an ambitious person surrenders his moral integrity by making a pack with the Devil*, in order to achieve power and success. Yes, this is a film about Boris Johnson. Hopefully Mephistopheles will quickly take him off to Hell before BJ (snigger) takes us all there himself. And I’m afraid him having a haircut like Butters Stotch just isn't a sufficient recommendation for me. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations. (*Tory backbenchers and party members.)"
65 26% I Spit on Your Grave (1978) - Jul 22, 2019
"Top badass moment? I’ve just come off the phone after a long call to Trading Standards, to complain there wasn’t any spitting or any graves in this film. When I see graves and fast moving saliva advertised I expect to get them, not some nonsense about a writer who spends all her time in a hammock sunbathing or messing about in boats. But it does make you think twice about shopping online for groceries. "Your driver's name is Matthew...." Er, no thanks. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."