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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 784 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 57

Bio:


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs (annoying viruses not withstanding), to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent alcohol (vegan cider, 'interesting' beer and Guinness), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead.) Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

TV Series. I don't rate these. This is partly because I'm just not capable of condensing several seasons into one paragraph of flippant comments. Also, it's a big commitment to watch a TV series all the way though. This means I only do so if they're really good, which then unbalances my scores here with too much TV near the top of my list. TV should have it's own section, like games do.

more Recent Ratings
80 77% Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken (2009) - Mar 07, 2021
"Top badass moment? It’s just so inappropriate in its entirety; the Snowflake Generation would choke on the ethnic stereotyping alone. A villain who thinks he’s in Kiss, (don’t miss the pelvis and backbone guitar). Limbs for helicopter blades. Wrist-cutting as a sport. However, the very un-horrific soundtrack makes this teen romance an ideal first date movie to highlight how nice you are. Trust me on that. 4 decapitations (plus a couple of other, serious head traumas), no cats or chainsaws."
70 45% Special (2006) - Mar 06, 2021
"Top badass moment? This is a special film. (Sorry, but it had to be said.) This movie provides a timely reminder of what can happen with pharmaceuticals, as at this very moment a barely tested set of vaccines is being rolled out to billions of people worldwide. (Note to future self: this is referring to the Covid-19 pandemic of 2020-2022, when all life on Earth was wiped out due to a Google calculator app error, caused by 5G phone masts and electric cars.) No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
50 8% The Bohemian Girl (1936) - Mar 01, 2021
"Top badass moment? In the first five minutes we get to see some great breakdancing by a guy who bears more than a passing resemblance to Jack Black. After that it’s all downhill, with more stereotyping than Jim Davidson managed in his entire career. No wonder this film was banned in Nazi Germany for its positive depiction of gypsies (What?!) But worst of all, it's just not very funny, as even L&H struggle to make opera anything other than excruciating. 1 cat, no chainsaws or decapitations."
70 45% Iron Sky: The Coming Race (2018) - Feb 28, 2021
"Top badass moment? Hitler riding a dinosaur, obviously. It’s not nearly as good as its predecessor as the plot’s a bit crap, but it does has its good moments. It feels like it's been tweaked a bit to try and make it more accessible to ‘normal people’ than the original, but as it’s stuffed full of Nokia-based humour that’s probably only really funny in Finland, this is at best just a partial success. The first five minutes are fun though. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
40 2% Vivre Sa Vie (1962) - Feb 27, 2021
"Top badass moment? Finding out that watching a film about a French heroine can turn you into a prostitute. So Jean-Luc Godard makes yet another film purely to nourish his fetish for showing off his attractive wife to everyone, by dressing pretentious and pompous twaddle up with 'oh so clever' dialogue, ‘ground-breaking’ style, ‘clever’ camera angles and way too many close ups of her head. Am I the only one who sees this film for what it really is? No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 77% Border (2018) - Feb 25, 2021
"Top badass moment? The beautiful fox’s tail; it’s just so… big and fluffy. (And for possibly the most half-arsed video on YouTube, check out “Why Foxes Have Bushy Tails – Red Fox Facts and Information”.) With it's stunning make-up and contender for the weirdest sex scene ever, this really is a pretty unique movie that it’s impossible to write much about without giving anything away. So I’ll just say this: eating maggots. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 45% Sector 7 (2011) - Feb 21, 2021
"Top badass moment? Girl Power! Motorbikes! Big Indestructible Monster! The plot here's exactly what you’d expect it to be and as no one takes their clothes off either, we’re left with just The Action and The Monster. Fortunately this film gets these two things right, as we’re remined just how bad fossil fuels can be for you. It’s also hard to care for a heroin who’s obsessed with making Climate Change worse, but luckily she's cute, so it's okay. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% Igby Goes Down (2002) - Feb 21, 2021
"Top badass moment? Realising I've not read Catcher in the Rye. A 'poor-little-rich-boy' with crappy parents, who’s far more like the pretentious, New York socialites he’s surrounded by than he thinks, manages to attract older women, all to a soundtrack of some of the worst indie rock the start of the Millennium had to offer. I wasn’t the least bit sorry when Jeff gives him a slap. It’s so much easier to be miserable and rebellious when you have money. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% The Night of the Sunflowers (2006) - Feb 14, 2021
"Top badass moment? Well, that was rural. This movie is a proper, old-fashioned thriller. Sadly it gives very little screen time to any sunflowers, which is a shame as one is part of the logo for the Vegan Society; (although it's pretty ‘stylised’ in the current version.) Also, did you know that the pattern of seeds in a sunflower head is the most efficient that’s mathematically possible? But back to the movie - it's got some speleologists in it. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% Close My Eyes (1991) - Feb 14, 2021
"Top badass moment? Alan Rickman talking a lot, mostly about nothing. This is worthless ability that I share with him, therefore it’s badass. In an England where everyone’s rich, lives in a huge house by the river, the weather’s always gorgeous and most people idle their days away at picnics, Saskia Reeves does her best to make no mean yes and then mean no again. As I don’t have a sister, anything more subtle or profound in the story was lost on me. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."