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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 601 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 56

Gender: Male

Bio:


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead.) Anything that gets less than 70 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And somewhat annoyingly, I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

more Recent Ratings
85 87% Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning (2005) - Nov 11, 2019
"Top badass moment? Conclusive proof that Star Trek is better than Babylon 5. And about now I imagine Star Wars is looking for new underpants. This movie really is unique. It’s also pretty dreadful but totally awesome too. There’s none of that Prime Directive and we’re-explorers-not-fighters PC crap here. It’s got more space battles than in the whole of ST:TNG put together and some nice CGI that took 1,000 years to render. Yep, it's unique alright. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
75 61% Harvard Man (2001) - Nov 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? Most under-the-influence-of-drugs scenes in films don’t last long, but this one goes on and on… and on. It's strangely entertaining. The sound mix is horrible, with JS Bach taking on all comers without regard to what’s happening on-screen. Buffy plays a watered-down version of herself as Kathryn Merteuil, Joey Lauren Adams sounds like a chipmunk and there’s too much boring basketball. Despite all that it's actually a decent watch. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
65 25% Pariah (1998) - Nov 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? Well they drink a lot of beer, although I suspect it’s some cheap, nasty lager, so probably not badass at all. Some cartoonish skinheads run about being thick, obnoxious and not listening to Reggae; (i.e. not proper skinheads). Meanwhile, hero Steve’s plan makes no sense whatsoever; talk about overcomplicating something. I think he must have a CV that includes developing Universal Credit, devising train tickets or marketing pensions. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% Unbreakable (2000) - Nov 08, 2019
"Top badass moment? Bruce Willis survives a train crash but doesn't go straight to the Eastrail website to make a Delay Repay claim. I know I would. I'm pretty sure he was delayed by over an hour, so he’s probably due a full refund. I think it'll be about $58 (yes I checked), so well worth claiming. And some advice; get a decent superhero costume so people will actually want to cosplay you. That stupid poncho makes you look more like Ben Willis than Batman. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
75 61% Death Wish (1974) - Nov 03, 2019
"Top badass moment? To the foul-mouthed youth who verbally accosted me on the Victoria Line recently; you’re next. Death Wish is basically a Batman film, without the cool car, cave, butler, house, costume, bats, utility belt or Joker. Paul Kersey is the poor man’s Judge Dredd, who behaves like a LibDem supporter who's suddenly decided to vote Brexit Party; yes, it’s that brutal. And all those poor cacti on the building site, soon to be destroyed. :-( No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
50 8% The Nostril Picker (1993) - Nov 03, 2019
"Top badass moment? The school montage. It makes no sense and doesn’t fit in tonally with the rest of the film; I guess the director knew the band providing the music. A guy learns how to make himself look like other people, but then fails to actually have much fun with his ability. It's rubbish in all the ways you’d expect, but despite that it's got an endearing quality about it, sort of. The real disappointment is just how little nasal abuse there is. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% Sunshine (2007) - Nov 02, 2019
"Top badass moment? This movie certainly puts into prospective the fact that my tablet’s Bluetooth has recently stopped working. So here we have Mother Nature providing her own cure for Climate Change, which we then feel obliged to try and bugger up again. And a spaceship with a computer that appears to've been programmed by Boeing. And a baddie that makes it clear that not packing any sun cream was a bit of an oversight. A great film until it gets religion. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 75% The Exorcist (1973) - Oct 28, 2019
"Top badass moment? The demon demonstrates how evil he is, by forcing Regan to throw her records everywhere. Sacrilege! Then again, the early 70s weren’t exactly a high point in pop, so maybe he just had good taste. A priest who’s desperate to be in the upcoming Rocky movie acts like he’s trapped in Purgatory, whilst a pointless cop channels the future spirit of Columbo; meanwhile, Mike Oldfield thanks God for such a great, free advert for his new album. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Are You Ready for Love? (2006) - Oct 20, 2019
"Top badass moment? The Dixie Queen. I went to a Skints gig on it in 2016; it’s weird dancing when the floor’s moving. This film's like a cross between a dull music video and a London Tourist Board promo. However, it gains brownie points for having some engaging characters (none of who are like Hugh Grant) and trying to be a bit different. Sadly it then loses them all when we run the Movie Believability Test. But it’s a rom-com, so no surprises there. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
85 87% Galaxy Quest (1999) - Oct 20, 2019
"Top badass moment? The only movie, ever, to boast a Thermian soundtrack; it's as unlistenable as it, eh, sounds. Even worse than finding out Santa isn’t real, this film cruelly demonstrates that Star Trek isn’t real either, by trying to show it actually is. (Although I always had my suspicions, as I spend so much time waiting for public transport.) Sigourney Weaver looks good with blonde hair. Also features naked green aliens, but sadly not from Orion. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."