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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 643 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 56

Gender: Male

Bio:


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead.) Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

more Recent Ratings
60 19% Kankin kôjô: Kyonyû jokô-tachi no bôhatsu (2007) - Feb 23, 2020
"Top badass moment? Considering the factory probably isn’t known to the H&S authorities and the operators didn't seem bothered about killing or abusing the workers whilst illegally making guns, it was surprisingly clean; the dormitories and bathroom were spotless. But it’s not all good news; a review of the site's risk assessment seems well overdue. I was just waiting for one of the lovely ladies to get her hair caught in some revolving machinery. Ouch! No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 19% Blessed (2008) - Feb 23, 2020
"Top badass moment? The aftermath of the world’s most selective sea-wreck; the only survivors, 2 rabbits, a young girl and a cart horse that must be able to swim better than Michael Phelps! I guess I’m supposed to have my life reaffirmed by this movie, but watching the great James Nesbitt channelling Marcel Marceau while the script injects some pseudo-fantasy into the story just to, you know, make things more interesting, was a step too far for me. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 19% Greta (2019) - Feb 23, 2020
"Top badass moment? Sweet little Frances accidentally drops a glass of white wine and the guy it splashes acts as if she’s thrown acid at him. Seriously dude it’s just wine, you’ll survive. Do-gooder and recently retired superhero Frances, inadvertently volunteers to help trial a new self-help therapy for loneliness and winds up with psycho killer Greta. Next time just nick the money from the bag and go out with mates instead, it's so much less hassle. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 19% The Zero Theorem (2013) - Feb 16, 2020
"Top badass moment? Well it’s more of a warning really; don’t fall asleep while watching this. I did and its weirdness messed with my mind; fortunately my councillor says I should make a full recovery, eventually. This film will make you wonder why an entire movie is based on the search for an answer to a question that we already know, (it's 42). It’s also a wry observation on corporate management and the omnipresent evil of marketing. No cats (or monkeys), chainsaws or decapitations."
50 8% Underground (2011) - Feb 10, 2020
"Top badass moment? Hating all the characters even before the opening credits were over. This film has great effects and a nice sound design, but that’s about all it has going for it. It’s a sad day when you prefer to root for the totally evil and unpleasant bad guy with links to Hitler and who has no redeeming features whatsoever, rather than the group of young adults who find themselves in mortal danger. Sadly the latter were complete... wazzocks. 2 decapitations, no cats or chainsaws."
60 19% The Night Eats The World (2018) - Feb 09, 2020
"Top badass moment? Someone caring about a box full of cassettes. Punk hating zombies overrun Paris, but snowflake generation loser Sam isn’t 'turned' and spends the rest of the film barricaded into a building not doing much; well he does shave off his beard at one point, but it’s done offscreen. Finally a quick tip for you Sam. Next time you’re trapped by uninvited zombies, try using the fucking TV, radio or Internet to find out what's going on! Twat. 1 cat, no chainsaws or decapitations."
90 93% Britz (2007) - Feb 08, 2020
"Top badass moment? I can’t imagine ever being that driven. This is great, very tense stuff; very Channel 4. I preferred Sohail’s story to Nasima’s. He seemed to be on the verge of being caught all the time, whereas what she was up to appeared relatively humdrum, like a Waitrose shopper's first trip to Lidl. She didn’t seem to need much indoctrination either. If I got that worked up over everything that annoyed me, I’d be blowing myself up everyday. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
95 97% Continuum (2012) - Feb 05, 2020
"Top badass moment? Female law enforcement officers should always wear tight, gold catsuits. Seems practical. And Sonmanto? Of course it doesn't sound anything like Monsanto. This was an awesome series. It’s not quite perfect, but the faults mostly stem from it being cancelled and the sub-plots having to be tied up (or quietly forgotten) quickly. If I had a time machine I’d go back and make it illegal for TV series I like to be terminated early. 1 decapitation (kind of), no cats or chainsaws."
60 19% The Tit and the Moon (1994) - Feb 05, 2020
"Top badass moment? It’s Terrance’s and Philip’s favourite film, one that takes fart jokes to a whole new, lower level. It also contains the stunning revelation that a man’s performance in the bedroom can be affected by the shape of the bubbles in the fizzy water he drinks. However, it has to be said that there’s not a lot of Moon in this movie; then again, I was expecting a comedy about an incompetent mission controller during the Apollo era. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 19% One Deadly Summer (1983) - Feb 02, 2020
"Top badass moment? Elle using a yellow chainsaw (model unknown), up a ladder, to cut a large dead branch off an oak, wearing a summer dress and sandals. I guess not messing that up and severing your own leg or blinding yourself with sawdust is pretty badass. Other than that it’s all cycling, boules and horribly named discos, in this revenge gone wrong thriller about a nutty (but not in a good way) young woman. In the end it's all a bit too... French. 1 chainsaw, no cats or decapitations."