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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 745 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 57

Gender: Male

Bio:


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs (annoying viruses not withstanding), to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent alcohol (vegan cider, 'interesting' beer and Guinness), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead.) Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

TV Series. I don't rate these. This is partly because I'm just not capable of condensing several seasons into one paragraph of flippant comments. Also, it's a big commitment to watch a TV series all the way though. This means I only do so if they're really good, which then unbalances my scores here with too much TV near the top of my list. TV should have it's own section, like games do.

more Recent Ratings
70 45% 36 fillette (1988) - Nov 29, 2020
"Top badass moment? Lili’s smile. This all felt distressingly familiar; whoever came up with the idea of the thrill of the chase was clearly lying. In the game of life, if I could go back in time and give myself some advice, it would be to not to play, instead stick to Monopoly and always buy the stations early on, along with the reds and oranges. Lili is a colossal bitch. Maurice the worst sort of deluded, seedy Lothario. They both need a jolly good shake. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 77% Hostel (2005) - Nov 28, 2020
"Top badass moment? Seeing yet again what happens when an untrained operator tries to use a chainsaw and fails to clear their workspace effectively. I’ve got no sympathy for him at all. And why do students go travelling? When they’ve gone abroad and got themselves tortured and killed in some horrible way, why should I have to pick up the tab for their education and holiday? They should stay in this country, get a job and pay off their overdrafts/loans. 1 chainsaw, 1 decapitation and no cats. "
65 28% Superman II (1980) - Nov 26, 2020
"Top badass moment? Zod needs his own movie; he’s wasted in that floaty square thing. After we see the first film again, we have to watch Superman blundering around fixing a problem he caused in the first place, which he finally solves by throwing a bit of polythene about, kissing his annoying girlfriend and reversing an irreversible decision that pissed his off mum; none of which is explained. And it's weird, but I really fancy a Coke and a Marlboro now. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 45% The Russell Girl (2008) - Nov 16, 2020
"Top badass moment? The lovely Amber Tamblyn. :-) This is a Hallmark production, so that already tells you everything you need to know about this movie. Unfortunately, it was totally ruined for me by the sight of someone buggering up their hand by violently hacking away at a bed of roses with a pair of (very blunt looking) hedge cutters. That’s what secateurs are for, or at a pinch, a small pair of loppers. No wonder I was in tears. No cats, chainsaws or (and no surprises here) decapitations."
90 94% Shaun of the Dead (2004) - Nov 15, 2020
"Top badass moment? He gets the girl; (we’ll just gloss over the fact that just about everyone else he knows dies and worse still, he destroys his record collection AND his local pub). His working in an electrical retail store also explains how he became the fake Starfleet’s best engineer some 260 years later, so in a way it’s the fake Scotty’s origins story; and a movie-length episode of Spaced too. A very funny film with added Ash. No cats, chainsaws or (surprisingly) decapitations."
45 4% Subconscious Cruelty (1999) - Nov 15, 2020
"Top badass moment? At the start - I bet a trip to the optician with that woman is fun. This is a film (well four shorts sort of stuck together) with no plot that’s just been designed to shock people; it reminded me of Steve Jones swearing on the Today programme. The special effects were pretty good and you have to admire the actors’ willingness, but as entertainment? If you really want to be horrified just watch any news broadcast, as that's real. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 45% Black Moon Rising (1986) - Nov 15, 2020
"Top badass moment? Kyle Reece is gonna be heartbroken. Features the fastest opening garage door on the planet, a great trailer, 'real men', an objectified woman with scary 80's hair, an FBI agent who's more cliché than human, a car that’s cool but not as cool as KITT, silly high-tech gear that just wouldn't work… and some pretty decent action in a horribly dated sort of way. Has a high guilty pleasure potential but loses points for not having a montage. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% Alice Through the Looking Glass (1998) - Nov 14, 2020
"Top badass moment? For a brief period, Tweedledum & Tweedledee make this the drug-addled story I suspect Lewis Carroll always meant it to be. Sadly, despite the inexplicable support of many well-known British actors the rest is pretty boring, especially childhood hero Humpty Dumpty's part! As it doesn't make much sense either, this is a bit of an issue. Watch out for Kate Beckinsale pretending to be 7.5 years old and Alan Partridge pretending to be a gnat. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% Izgnanie (2007) - Nov 09, 2020
"Top badass moment? Walnut Trees. Walnut trees are cool. So yes, it’s long, slow and Thomas Hardyesque in its depressing depiction of unfulfilled folk. A miserable couple not communicating make lots of phone calls, whilst the director sees the value of his recently purchased shares in a Russian tranquiliser manufacturer go through the roof. My advice to Alex would be раз на раз не приходится. 1 cat (a cute kitten helping with a jigsaw puzzle), no chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% The Grudge (2004) - Nov 09, 2020
"Top badass moment? Learning that slaying vampires is not a skill that's readily transferrable to other ungodly creatures. So all in all it's a bit of a dead-end career wise. On hearing Buffy mumbling a few words of what I suspect is really badly mangled Japanese, a pissed-off, long-haired hippy-goth make a nuisance of itself by dropping litter everywhere and giving Buffy exactly the ‘first day at my new job’ no one wants to have. 1 cat (black and really angry), no chainsaws or decapitations."