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SpikyCactus

Movie Buff - 486 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 55

Gender: Male

Bio:



A failure on almost every level, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. When I'm not busy doing nothing, I make up (and continually update with great and exciting news) fictitious people on Facebook, just so I can then Friend them and it looks like I hang out with the coolest people on the planet. I also keep a blog somewhere that I use to moan about things a lot. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to generate). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

However, it does seem that some people are just as clueless as me and at times (probably) accidentally press the 'star' button by what I've written. To these people I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

more Recent Ratings
60 18% I Declare War (2012) - Feb 17, 2019
"Top badass moment? A demonstration that the best way for NATO to deal with its funding crisis, is for it to imagine what it wants, really, really, really hard. I’m not sure what to make of this movie, it’s too feeble for horror and too rough to be fun. With hindsight, I think it’s just a training video for future CEOs, who all seem to be sociopaths, happy to sacrifice those around them to succeed. I'd certainly not want PK, Jamie or Jessica as my boss. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
90 93% The Parole Officer (2001) - Feb 17, 2019
"Top badass moment? Simon Garden getting off with (one of) the future Sarah Connor(s). I’d forgotten just how funny this film is; except the title, which is a capitulation to appease the American market that rivals Britain’s to the Japanese at the Battle of Singapore in 1942. (As you can see, I haven't wasted that CSE in History.) It's also got the beautiful Jenny Agutter and iconic Omar Sharif in it, and is a film I quote lines from too. 1 cat, no chainsaws or decapitations. Clever cat!"
80 75% Stitches (2012) - Feb 16, 2019
"Top badass moment? The effects and deaths are great. I'm not a Ross Noble or clown fan, so I wasn’t sure whether I’d like or hate this movie, but it grew on me as it’s just so bloody enthusiastic, brightly coloured and, well, silly; and I love tinned strawberries. Also, if Batman was a dead English clown in Ireland, he'd sound an awful lot like Stitiches. 1 cat, 1 decapitation and no chainsaws. Poor Puds suffers a horrible ending that’s probably the least funny thing in the whole film."
65 26% Pepi, Luci, Bom and Other Girls Like Mom (1980) - Feb 13, 2019
"Top badass moment? The plastic cannabis plant; I liked that scene. The ‘new wave’ dancing in the background at the club is good too, even though no one’s doing anything that seems even remotely connected to the music that’s playing. So, lots of extra bonus points for the authentically terrible clothes, music and vibe, but then it loses most of them as the story’s all a bit random. Also, it’s a surprisingly quaint movie considering its reputation. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% The Devil's Chair (2006) - Feb 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? Realising I have 4 things belonging to the Devil, his rock, rejects, dues and chair. And I doubt Ikea stock the latter. I was disappointed to see Nick clearly dragging a felling axe’s head along the ground on more than one occasion, which won’t have done it any good or made his job any easier when attacking people with it. Also, he didn’t dry the blood off the shaft, so it could've easily slipped out of his hands and injured someone. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% À nos amours (1983) - Feb 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? It’s always fun to enjoy a dysfunctional family, especially a French one. This movie comes with a 48-page booklet, to help explain to stupid English people like me how to understand the transcendental meaning of having a full stop at the end of its title. I’ve only skimmed over it, but apparently they didn’t rehearse or eat anything, or have a script, crew, equipment or actors, which is pretty amazing when you think about it. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
75 62% Anchors Aweigh (1945) - Feb 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? Clearly MGM got Jerry a personal trainer and fed him steroids to prepare for this film. He was fucking HUGE! If he’d tried to get into one of those skirting board mouse holes, he’d have demolished the entire wall. Also, does a US navy uniform allow you access to everywhere? Strangers’ homes, film studios, closed rehearsals, schools... And thanks to Ms. Grayson's singing, every bit of glass in my flat has now shattered. 1 cat (Tom, briefly), no chainsaws or decapitations."
75 62% Blotto (1930) - Feb 06, 2019
"Top badass moment? The disintegrating taxi; excellent. This is a rare diversion into documentary making for Stan & Ollie, as they highlight the normally hidden world of domestic abuse by women on men. At times difficult to watch, we see Stan’s wife refusing to let him go out (as well as a strong suggestion that he’s not allowed friends), a poisoning attempt and when that fails, the purchase of a shotgun with the aim of killing him. A shocking eye-opener. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Carry on Sergeant (1958) - Feb 03, 2019
"Top badass moment? The first Doctor taking time out of his busy schedule saving the universe, to help train some National Service recruits. Meanwhile, Bob Monkhouse gets in some shooting practice, which will later be of great help to him when presenting the Golden Shot. (You have to be of a certain age to understand that.) When I was young, I used to say my Uncle Ivor looked like Charles Hawtrey, which seem to amuse the family no end. 30 more to go then... No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Valley Girl (1983) - Feb 01, 2019
"Top badass moment? The first 10 minutes; I’m sorry that makes me a pukeoid, but it’s a candidate for the most air-headed conversation, ever. Fortunately, Nicolas Cage is bitchin’ and Deborah Foreman is totally tubular in a very 80’s way. In fact the film's so early 80s that it immediately made me go and make a compilation cassette for a girl and take a Polaroid of my LED watch, whilst pressing the fiddly button in the side so the time actually shows. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."