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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 793 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 58

Bio:
A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs (annoying viruses not withstanding), to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent alcohol (vegan cider, 'interesting' beer and Guinness), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

I learnt everything I need to know about life from watching Tom & Jerry, Laurel & Hardy and Star Trek, reading Thomas Hardy and listening to punk.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead.) Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

TV Series. I don't rate these. This is partly because I'm just not capable of condensing several seasons into one paragraph of flippant comments. Also, it's a big commitment to watch a TV series all the way though. This means I only do so if they're really good, which then unbalances my scores here with too much TV near the top of my list. TV should have it's own section, like games do.

more Recent Ratings
75 64% Olympus Has Fallen (2013) - May 31, 2021
"Top badass moment? Why doesn’t America just make Morgan Freeman its President? He’s had more practice than just about everyone else and appears to be good at it too. People say that this move is just like thousands of others, but the Statue of Liberty doesn’t get trashed, just some pointy pile of bricks, so that makes it nearly unique in my book. Nice high body count, brainy, evil Asians, 4(!) miniguns, and really good bullets-killing-people-noises too. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 77% Tragedy Girls (2017) - May 09, 2021
"Top badass moment? It was very good. And don’t forget, if you’ve enjoyed reading my review here, or found it useful or whatever, don’t forget to like it, down below. Or actually AT THE SIDE, you know what I mean, right? LOL :-}{) And if you want to be first to read all my other great reviews, then remember to kUmPeL me and be THE FIRST to hear what I have to say about everything that's important to me. Remember, I {{HEART}} you all!! Wooooo-wo! Chao! 1 decapitation, no cats or chainsaws."
90 94% The Butterfly Effect (2004) - May 09, 2021
"Top badass moment? The look on Evan’s face when he sees Kayleigh (drug addict version) for the first time. I’d be distressed too if my girlfriend suddenly looked like she’d been assimilated by the Borg. Did the make-up guys have some surplus, overly long scars or an instant freckles kit they needed to use up? I love this film. I think it’s the air of impending doom, where everything you do just screws things up more; it felt very true to life. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 45% Pro-Life (2006) - Mar 29, 2021
"Top badass moment? Whoever designed the clinic must’ve specified really top-draw materials, as even the screaming of his daughter in the otherwise silent building wasn’t audible to big Ron, who, despite his instructions from God to rescue her, was slower than a snail on a Monday morning after a heavy weekend partying, on its way to work as a festival toilet cleaner on minimum wage. Features a baby more messed up than Boris Johnson’s Covid lockdown hair. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 77% Stan and Ollie (2018) - Mar 21, 2021
"Top badass moment? Laurel & Hardy ARE comedy badass; they invented funny. I would say I grew up watching far too much of them, but that’s not actually possible. This film is nice, and sweet, and so very wholesome. If it was edible it would be a superfood; (but not blueberries because they're overrated rubbish). It really doesn’t amount to much when you think about it afterwards, but then again why would it? C&R nail it too, which makes a huge difference. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations. "
70 45% After Midnight (2019) - Mar 20, 2021
"Top badass moment? Hank’s a dude; consider me a bit safety focused if you like, but personally I’d not go to sleep with my back to a door with a big hole in it, if I thought there was something nasty out there trying to get in through it. I enjoyed seeing cheap wine, a record player and a cassette player fully deployed, although I thought Abby was a bit of biach to leave that crappy note. 1 cat, (a beautiful, cute black kitten with its own balloon - initially); no chainsaws or decapitations."
80 77% Arrival (2016) - Mar 14, 2021
"Top badass moment? As someone who has no ability whatsoever to learn other languages, I can respect those who do. Chain-smoking, naked aliens come to Earth in boring looking spaceships, to blow cool-looking smoke rings at the simple humans. However, they don’t anticipate that Superman’s girlfriend will turn up and make a huge fuss about it, resulting in China almost destroying the world. And to be honest, Uhura could have worked it out in five minutes. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) - Mar 14, 2021
"Top badass moment? The relief of discovering that this film wasn't about a green tender engine who'd ended up on the wrong side of the tracks; he always was the most unreliable and in my opinion the most likely to go postal. Also, I was reminded that old TVs used to regularly get thumped in an attempt to improve the picture. With hindsight, does that even make any sense, considering they were full of delicate shit? Humans are weird. 1 decapitation (and it’s a good one), no cats or chainsaws."
80 77% Battle Royale (2000) - Mar 14, 2021
"Top badass moment? Japanese school kids are either very conscientious or very optimistic; even when they’re being sent out to almost certain death, they still take their school bags. With acting more uneven than the surface of the M20, the world’s most inaccurate Uzi (that also never runs out of bullets) and a back-story that makes no sense, plus way too much boyfriend chat and cooking, this ought to be crap. Strangely it’s not, I wanted Mitsuko to win. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 77% Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken (2009) - Mar 07, 2021
"Top badass moment? It’s just so very inappropriate in its entirety; the Woke Generation would choke on the ethnic stereotyping alone. A villain who looks like Kiss's biggest fan; (look out for the pelvis and backbone guitar). Limbs for helicopter blades. Wrist-cutting as a sport. However, the very un-horrific soundtrack makes this teen romance an ideal first date film to highlight how nice and normal you are. 4 decapitations (plus a couple of other, serious head traumas), no cats or chainsaws."