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0 film ratings
SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 818 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 58

Bio:

A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent alcohol (vegan cider, 'interesting' beer and Guinness), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

I learnt everything I need to know about life from watching Tom & Jerry, Laurel & Hardy and Star Trek, reading Thomas Hardy and listening to punk.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead.) Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

TV Series. I don't rate these. This is partly because I'm just not capable of condensing several seasons into one paragraph of flippant comments. Also, it's a big commitment to watch a TV series all the way though. This means I only do so if they're really good, which then unbalances my scores here with too much TV near the top of my list. TV should have it's own section, like games do.

more Recent Ratings
60 20% EdTV (1999) - Jan 17, 2022
"Top badass moment? Discovering that watching this film is like disappointing sex*. You suddenly realise you’re not really enjoying it as much as you expected and when you start to think about it more, it gets even worse. (*Obviously I only have a second-hand knowledge of what this is like.) And falling off a table onto a cat whilst having sex; someone actually thought that's funny and got paid in real money for thinking it up? 1 fluffy but not especially cute cat, no chainsaws or decapitations."
50 8% Treeless Mountain (2008) - Jan 16, 2022
"Top badass moment? And I thought South Korea was all superfast Internet and American troops. I’ll admit it’s hard to be mean about something so worthy, but... well... this film… it’s boring. Adults lack emotional intelligence and Boris Johnson the truth, kids get confused. And I'm sorry, but the promising fiscal management displayed shouldn't obscure the fact that a pile of dirt isn't a mountain, especially if you’re surrounded by real ones COVERED in trees. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
40 2% Playback (2010) - Jan 09, 2022
"Top badass moment? The naked woman; I’m not being shallow, that really is all it has to offer. A detective tells his colleagues to give him a few days to investigate the death of his daughter, so he can watch her homemade collection of sex tapes. Doesn’t seem like very good practice to me. And his tie was so boring it sent me to sleep. No idea why James ‘IMDb says I’ve 22 films in pre-release’ Duval was in it, (but can't wait for his “Alien Vampire Busters”). No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 78% The Cabin in the Woods (2012) - Jan 02, 2022
"Top badass moment? I’ve never had enough friends to be able to go away and party in a cabin in the woods. I’m glad. So some friends go away to party in a cabin in the woods. And a malevolent force starts killing them. At times it reminded me of what an episode of Buffy would be like if you fed it speed, acid and LSD. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations. (Actually there might have been some, but it was all a bit manic towards the end and I forgot to keep track. I know, don’t give up the day job.)"
65 28% Extremities (1986) - Dec 27, 2021
"Top badass moment? The first 10 minutes felt a lot like The Terminator movie. At first this film tries to convince us that FF is a totally normal, average woman about town. She goes shopping, plays racquetball, we meet her housemates, she even does a bit of gardening. But then we learn the truth, as she deliberately sprays a small bees’ nest with some really noxious chemical. What a mean-spirited, sick, evil bitch! Doesn’t she care about pollinators?! 1 cute cat, no chainsaws or decapitations."
65 28% Week End (1967) - Dec 27, 2021
"Top badass moment? LOL! Call that a traffic jam? You got thicker jam in the old Tesco Value mixed fruit range and that was like coloured water. Maybe I shouldn't have slept through most of this film, as it ended up as little more than a shambles of middle-class people shouting, shooting guns, playing the drums, burning stuff, pointlessly sounding their car horns, talking about hippos and hitting pigs with sledgehammers. France is a car crash of a place. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 20% Drop (2009) - Dec 26, 2021
"Top badass moment? Listening to the English language version whilst reading the English subtitles; two different films for the price of one! Tonally this movie staggers about like a three-legged spider, while we’re literally beaten over the head for two hours by very well-dressed yobbos with metal baseball bats, which have all the killing power of empty, plastic, 2L Coke bottles. It's crap, but the sort of crap you need to check out before you flush it away. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 45% Kaboom (2010) - Dec 25, 2021
"Top badass moment? The ‘safe sex’ message not getting a look in; didn’t want all that goody-goody stuff getting in the way, anyway. By the time you work out this film really is an apocalyptic thriller, there’s only ten minutes left. Up until then, we just see slightly neurotic, young, affluent, beautiful people taking drugs, having sex and doing less schoolwork than even Buffy and the Scooby Gang managed. What 1967 would have been like if it happened in 2010. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 78% Coherence (2013) - Dec 21, 2021
"Top badass moment? I couldn’t help reflecting that if there’re infinite mes, how come I got to be the shit one? A group of middle-class dinnerites discover they’ve lost access to the Internet and find themselves unable to function. Cue a lot of shouting, wondering about, non-MBA-level decision making and more visits to the neighbours than Amazon. Most cleverly, the plot has an inbuilt ability to explain away any script irregularities and inconsistent acting. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 45% Johnny English (2003) - Dec 12, 2021
"Top badass moment? I’ve no idea how they got The Queen to be in it… Plot: That eye-candy bird from “Neighbours” and a talking Mr. Bean save the UK from being turned into a giant prison. Personally I never ‘got’ Mr. Bean, whilst I'm afraid I've never forgiven Nat for going back to Brad and starting a singing career. Black Adder would have made a much better secret agent, too. But any film that takes the piss out of the French is always worth a watch. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."