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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 673 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 57

Gender: Male

Bio:


A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than as a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I enjoyed but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. (I wish with hindsight that I'd picked 50 instead.) Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!

more Recent Ratings
50 8% Suspiria (1977) - May 24, 2020
"Top badass moment? The film’s climax. It reminded me of a bad day on the bridge of the Enterprise, as random things exploded, the set fell to bits and everyone lurched around like the shields had collapsed and a pissed off Klingon was outside. The only thing missing was the red alert, which would have been a great improvement on the horrible cacophony of Goblin and sound effects. And who was allowed to do the 5.1 sound mix on the BD? It was really awful. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 76% Pacific Rim (2013) - May 24, 2020
"Top badass moment? Idris Elba keeping a straight face whilst speaking some of the most testosterone soaked dialogue ever written. I bet planning a trip to Sainsbury’s with him is fun. So it makes no sense on a military or any other level, but it revels in what it is and it's more bombastic than Michael Bay on steroids; so for that alone it deserves respect. And when they first get ready to go in the Jaeger, that so reminded of me of my own morning routine. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
65 27% Superman: The Movie (1978) - May 23, 2020
"Top badass moment? 'That' theme tune; should be included with all alarm clocks. He's got the knowledge from dozens of worlds spanning 28 galaxies, yet he’s still a do-gooding show-off Batman can both out-think and out-cool. Then again, the height of fashion on Krypton is walking about with a big S on your chest; I grew out of that when I was 6. But it’s hard not to like him, as CR makes him sooo... nice. Hideously dated, but not in a good way. 1 (ugly) cat, no chainsaws or decapitations."
70 44% The Gift (2015) - May 21, 2020
"Top badass moment? Seeing another happy couple in a film being totally screwed up. (There’s nothing psychologically complex about this, it’s just pure jealousy.) I didn’t like either of them, or their upwardly mobile friends either. Gordon is my anti-hero this week, (but please, lose the horrible nickname). He can leave presents on my doorstep anytime he wants... especially the wine. Hear Ride of the Valkyries prepare Simon for his very own Ragnarök! No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 76% Ghostbusters II (1989) - May 20, 2020
"Top badass moment? Having the sense to use the original Ghostbusters theme a lot; that Bobby Brown garbage got me more angry than a bath in pink slime. The story is pants and the ending made me taste a little bit of sick in my mouth, but it is very funny. And with hindsight, considering the shambles they left everywhere they went, they should’ve just slashed the painting with a knife right at the start. I’d imagine that would’ve really pissed Vigo off. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
50 8% Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) - May 18, 2020
"Top badass moment? The cooker in Alice Hardy’s house; it can boil a kettle in under 30 seconds. I was well impressed. As for the rest, the young people are (slightly) less annoying but more boring than in the first movie, and it takes forever for something to actually happen. The latter issue does at least leave you with time to appreciate Sandra in her bikini top, one of the film's few highlights. 1 (badly dubbed) cat, 1 (very easy to start) chainsaw and 1 (second hand) decapitation."
40 2% Elevator Movie (2004) - May 17, 2020
"Top badass moment? I’ll never think of bits of dismantled air conditioning in the same way again. Well that was odd, but the oddest thing of all is that it actually manages to sustain itself for over 90 minutes; although I may have cheated by falling asleep for a bit. It was like really crap reality TV, with just two people in a diary room dealing with random stuff. But at least I can't spoil the ending, because there's actually nothing there to spoil. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 76% Midsommar (2019) - May 16, 2020
"Top badass moment? Seeing how Swedes deal with the burden of social care. No lentils, vegans or acoustic guitars; that would’ve warned most people this wasn’t a field of harmless, flower-power hippies advertising Persil. And it’s meant to be Sweden, so where were the Volvos, Ikea stores and Abba music? And some people weren’t even blonde either, but at least it had some weird porn at the end. Even worse, the mosh pit was, quite frankly, embarrassing. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
80 76% Happy Accidents (2000) - May 11, 2020
"Top badass moment? It’s proper hard sci-fi, up there with 2001, Solaris and Moon. Why? Because in no way could I ever enjoy a stupid, girly rom-com. A man in an Edgar suit finds the only woman on Earth who would find a guy claiming to be from the future an attractive feature. But I have to admit they did look genuinely happy together. Another quirky indie film featuring quirky people who never exist in real life. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations; or ray-guns, aliens or exploding spaceships."
70 44% Taxi Driver (1976) - May 10, 2020
"Top badass moment? Being reminded of Bananarama again, (and every time I see Robert De Niro); this is very annoying. A taxi driver, driven (ha-ha) to the edge of sanity by the arrival of Uber and the fact he’s named after one of its founders, takes it on himself to negotiate with his namesake. (Plus there’s a sub-plot about an Uber driver called Iris and an election for something, but it’s not important.) We also learn that New York in the 70s was shit. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."