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SpikyCactus

Film Freak - 513 Film Ratings

Member Since: Jul 31, 2011

Location: Reading, Berkshire, UK

Age: 56

Gender: Male

Bio:

A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay, who's presently disguised as the local JobCentre. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. When I'm not busy doing nothing, I make up (and continually update with great and exciting news) tens of thousands of fictitious people on Facebook, just so I can then Friend them and it looks like I hang out with the coolest people on the planet. I also keep a blog somewhere that I use to moan about things a lot. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Cactus World is an ill thought-out but complex, pan-dimensional concept, fuelled by a mixture of decent cider (and more recently Guinness, now it's become vegan), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody who's living as a parasitic observer of life rather than a participant in it.

On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to generate). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously and actually know something about their interest; but please, just try and roll with it.

However, I have noticed that some people are just as clueless as me and at times (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To these people I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.

more Recent Ratings
70 42% How I Live Now (2013) - Apr 21, 2019
"Top badass moment? Spider-Man gets killed! I didn't see that coming. This film wastes itself. It’s nicely made and acted, and looks lovely with South Wales deputising for the South West; (although what’s wrong with the actual South West)? However, World War 3's going on and all we get is some kids playing in a river and walking in a forest. And whenever there’s a problem, Daisy has a dream or vision to sort it out. It’s all a little bit weak. 3 cats, no chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Pretty Baby (1978) - Apr 21, 2019
"Top badass moment? High quality parenting is always badass, on and off screen... For a superficially jolly movie this is actually quite depressing. It often felt more like a theatre show too, with everyone overacting a bit. Also, the story's a bit simplistic and lightweight at times, although Brooke Shields is scarily excellent. 1 cat; (a brief speaking part and some absolutely excellent acting that captures and encapsulates the very essence of frustration). No chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Yi Yi (2000) - Apr 21, 2019
"Top badass moment? Mr Ota. Wish I could be that comfortable with my life. He was… nice. His Mr Spock hair cut was cool too. The rest of this movie is basically just a soap opera about a Taiwanese family, where the men are shoe-gazing miseries and the woman model-like servants. Despite that and it’s 3 hour run-time, it’s surprisingly accessible for people like me, who’s entire understanding of Asia is based on the local Chinese take-away’s menu. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
90 93% The Fly (1986) - Apr 21, 2019
"Top badass moment? Eew! Seth’s ‘hilarious’ mouthfull of semen trick. There's no way he’d actually have forgotten he had to throw up on food to eat it. He was just trying to gross lovely Geena out. When he killed the monkey he didn’t seem to care either; probably made her clean up the mess too. He’s clearly a narcissistic sociopath, with the sense of humour of a 12-year-old boy. We all know he could've just fixed everything with a computer virus. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
60 18% November (2004) - Apr 19, 2019
"Top badass moment? Wow, chocolate really is bad for you! November’s a miserable month. Winter’s arrived and there’s naught to look forward to, just months of unrelenting cold, dark days and damp weather. If I ever invent a time machine I’m going back to tinker with that point in evolution when we stopped hibernating. Imagine waking up after a lovely long sleep, ready for another beautiful summer, year after year. No crappy winters to deal with, ever. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
70 42% Night Watch (2004) - Apr 17, 2019
"Top badass moment? It's not Twilight. I drunk several shots of 20 year old Vladivar Imperial Vodka (57%) to prepare myself for this film. Didn’t help; it was a confusing muddle, especially the parts I drunkenly fell asleep through. That'll teach me for drinking Scottish vodka instead of the real thing. So I tried watching it again sober. Nope, still baffling. I think it had something to do with issuing licenses to allow vampires to kill people. 1 sort of decapitation, no cats or chainsaws."
80 75% Garage (2007) - Apr 14, 2019
"Top badass moment? Josie’s impression of the Terminator. He appears to just stand in the same position by the lake for hours as the night turns into day. This is an occasionally amusing but depressing movie about a man barely able to live independently, who’s socially bullied by everyone. When he then makes a stupid decision they all turn on him. Must be horrible living in a town full of Sun readers. And as for the guy with the bag of puppies… FUA. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
55 12% Stay Alive (2006) - Apr 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? I’m no expert on American horticulture, but those 'protective' wild roses didn’t look very wild to me; they were more like some sort of Modern Rose, a type that’s only existed since 1867. As the Countess was from the 17th Century, this doesn’t make much sense; a huge plot hole that I imagine ruins the whole film for most people. Also, I die a little when I hear a jemmy called a crowbar. A shame, as it could've been so much better. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
90 93% Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) - Apr 10, 2019
"Top badass moment? The opening scene; a brilliantly silly caricature of 60’s London. All I remember of London then is walking to school, playing in Regent’s Park and drawing chalk arrows on pavements for people to follow; and our phone number, HUNter 4220. (Much superior to the local WELbeck exchange, as I was led to be believe by my upwardly mobile mother). 2 cats (playing the same part), 4 decapitations (although 3 were exploding fembot heads so I’m not sure they count) and no chainsaws."
70 42% No Blade of Grass (1970) - Apr 06, 2019
"Top badass moment? John Custance’s stiff upper lip; tougher than a Klingon's Bat'leth. Cool eye patch too. Also, the full-on Wild West shootout in, eh, northern England; and it was nice seeing a 29 bus to Wood Green, where it still goes to this day. The random, Rolls-Royce ad; quality product placement. Climate change gets a mention and a pre-Grace Brothers Miss. Brahms pops out as well. Unsubtle and unintentionally funny in a way only 70's movies can be. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."