My friends, I know that you won't read this. You probably don't care about this and might not read this through. But I did it for my own sake, as I would go insane if I would have to pay attention to the horror that is 'Rikued Mesukan', AKA 'Dangerous Dance'. To be able to ignore, for a second or two, the complete lack of will incarnated to film, I tried to write down constantly my thoughts during the whole film (and stopped soon enough). But let me explain myself first.
This is an israeli film, originally in hebrew. I downloaded it, as some of you might guess, for my own obssesion to bad films for the sake of good films' appreciation; I went too far with this one, I'm afraid. I have heard long ago by fellow israelis that this was the worst film ever made. I believed. I wanted to watch it anyway. And when I finally downloaded it... It was in English. They actually re-shooted the film in english for an international version, though I have no idea who in his right mind will by the distribution right for this abomination.
Actually, I do know. Let me tell you who - people brainwashed by Menahem Golan (or people who really hate Israel and want to spread the hate. Don't believe it, israeli cinema has been on the rise this last years and had a few gems in past decades).
Golan was born in Tiberias in 1929, went through the army and changed his surname from Globus to Golan in 1948. Up to here, a proud israeli. All good. In 1963, together with his cousin, he made a film nobody remembers, and with whatever they recollected they created Noah Film, a production company. They became popular in Israel when 'Sallah Shabati' (as far as I know, a typical story of the first years of Israel from the point of few of an inmigrant, very Keaton-ish and directed by Efraim Kishon, maybe Israel's greatest director) became the first israeli film to be nominated for an Oscar.
You might suspect my point already. No, wait, I won't spoil it for the rest. The Golan cousins were eager to reach the international market, and even managed to slightly do it when 'Kazablan' - a dreadful, simply awful version of 'West Side Story' set in the 70's in Israel - was bought by MGM.
In that point, the cousins came just at time to buy a production company about to shut it's doors, and from there, life was sweet for Menahem Golan. He went to America, made 'Enter the Ninja', directed a few films with Stallone, made 'Enter the Ninja', produced 'Superman IV', made 'Enter the Ninja'...
You get it already?
MENAHEM GOLAN + FILMS = TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT TO THE ARTISTIC MEDIUM
Golan had become the figure of a man who loves films. Lie, lie, one the most frustraiting lies I've ever heard. Golan exploits films. How did he manage to get so far? It's not because he's a good filmmaker, hell no. It's because he's a good bussinessman.
And I would even agree to ignore that, but Golan stepped to far. He mocked both the audience and the medium once before. But 'A Dangerous Dance' is waaaaay off the line. Is there anyone reading this to this point? If this is, I will reward you giving you a fundamental advice, if it is that you want to become a filmmaker.
Track down 'A Dangerous Dance' (if you care, you can download it here. No! Don't do it!). Watch it carefully, and take notes. Then copy it out clearly into a Top Secret archive, and whenever you are in the making of your own films, make sure every little, microscopic detail of your production has no connection whatsoever with any element used in 'A Dangerous Dance'. Hell, why not, just avoid falling in cliches that any Golan film fell for.
But here, without further delays, is my insanity - the first five minutes of 'A Dangerous Dance', before I notice it was frustrating me even more. You won't read this. But why shouldn't I post it?:
00:00:00 - Classical music.
00:00:02 - Fade in to a Saturday Night Fever poster filmed by a very cheap hand camera and a very cheap cameraman who seems to have taken speed before grabbing the camera. OK so far.
00:00:08 - Half naked man. Hmm.
00:00:12 - Appearantlythe half naked man is waking up in a very theatrical and unrealistic way. Classical music is starting to annoy me very quickly. Wait, is this porn?
00:00:20 - Classical music becomes pop record. Half naked man starts dancing. This is a very interesting porno.
00:00:44 - Half naked man, after travelling around his house, finds a woman - probably his mother - and starts dancing with her. Old man, probably father, is in his wheelchair looking at them. This is still a very interesting porno.
00:00:46 - Wait, is this english?
00:00:52 - Hey, this is fucking english. Is his family american? Then why do they have such annoying, heavily israeli accents?
00:01:05 - First grammatical error. I suppose there are going to be a lot of these for a while so I'll stop counting. Basically the father tells the son to find a job and I'm not so sure this is porn anymore.
00:01:26 - Mother wakes up her children. Annoying accent.
00:01:29 - Very annoying accent.
00:01:33 - Stop talking, bitch. Please.
00:01:44 - AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHH!!!!11.
00:01:55 - SHUT UP! God, she talks like Putt-Putt!
00:02:03 - Another sister appears. So far father, mother, son, sister, and younger children. Half naked man, still half naked, makes a move on his sister and is coldly rejected. He says 'But I'm your brother' and that doesn't help one bit.
00:02:39 = Half naked man, now a dressed man, finally changes location and makes a move on a girl in a fruit stand. Man, he's getting all the action.
00:02:42 - According to the girl his name is Yosi. I liked 'half naked man' better. Wait, why are they still talking in english? Every sign is in hebrew. That's israel. Has it been colonized again?
00:02:50 - God, girl, shut up. Do we actually have a candidate to compete with mother for the most annoying accent?
00:03:18 - OK, this is just bizzare. Three guys, one religious and the other two probably gay, just walked around dancing badly in the street while Yosi and girl joined them. Sponteneous dancing is one of Musical films', er, virtues, but comeon Golan, you can coordinate this better. Can you?
00:03:42 - New scene. Rich people. A total inecessary housemaid role given to an asian inmigrant. I think it was a pretty unnecessary observation as I doubt any other asians will appear in this film, but hey, Golan, you've fought the wars and not me, right?
00:04:15 - Rich father don't want rich spoiled daughter to go to ballet class. Dead mother who liked dancing subplot? I'm not making this up.
00:04:16 - Did he just say 'Shalom'? Wasn't this in english?
00:04:34 - There, he said it again. Nationalism is all that matters, after all, even when you make your fortunes trying to distribute your films as far away from your country and to be succesful as far away from your country and not to have anything in common with that damn country. Fine by me.
00:04:46 - Girl reveals in an annoying accent dead mother theory is not wrong. She is talking to another woman, no idea who is she. Conversation reveals a few other grammatical errors. Stop this. Please.
And even more...
Selected quotes:
[Please imagine this in a bad accent]
(dialogue)
"Get your fucking hands off me!"
"But you're my sister."
"There is one word in my country... Que te metan por culo maricon de mierda." Haha! He is a gay argentinian ballet teacher! So fresh! Hillarious!
(dialogue)
"So, what you think?"
"I think tonight, Romeo will meet his Odelia the Virgin..."
"Virgin? Virgin my ass!"
[religious guy:] "Of course I'm going to the club. I've read in the bible that dancing is a Mitzvah, especially in Shabat!"
(dialogue - this sums up a pretty long and meaningless conversation, but there's not one word in it that haven't been said. It's all true, believe it or not.)
"Wow, Lin, where'd you learn to dance so good?"
"I wasn't alwayd a maid, you know. I used to work in the Beijing Opera."
"So why'd you stop?"
"I have a family of eight without a father to feed. That's why I left proffesional dancing, emmigrated from China and became a maid."
(dialogue)
[Girl dances and has a not-so-serious fall. She faints in a very unconvincing way]
"Anybody has some water? We have to stop the bleeding!"
[Religious guy, by far the most incoherent thing in this film and a mockery of himself, takes off his shirt, very suitable for stopping a serious bleeding, and then gives his Tzitzit, a religious jewish accesory, to the girl]
"Dude, what are you doing?! It's your Tzitzit!"
"Life saving comes first, man."
(dialogue)
[Dancing judge is talking to the injured girl, that now has her arm broken]
"What happened to your arm, miss?"
"Eh, em, a missile."
"A missile?"
"You know, we're from Sdarot [An israeli city that was, though I'm not sure if it's still is since I'm not in Israel anymore, constanly bombed by Palestinian forces]. A missile." LOLOLOL!!!11 theyr makin a joke on politics conflict behalf ROFL!!!1
SPECIAL AWARD for most annoying, painful scene that is simply impossible to quote and/or put into words: Mizrahi family celebrating an engagement in the traditional way - and in english. Simply painful.
An essay on Menahem Golan's 'A Dangerous Dance'
- KGB
- Posts: 746
- Your TCI: na
- Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 12:44 am
- paulofilmo
- Posts: 2587
- Your TCI: na
- Joined: Mon Apr 07, 2008 3:40 pm
Re: An essay on Menahem Golan's 'A Dangerous Dance'
ahahahaha!
I got a few funny looks from laughing at those quotes. Surely there was some value in the unintentional humour?
But thank you for sharing that, KGB.
--
How many languages are you fluent in? I have only the one, so I take interest/envy in others having more.
I got a few funny looks from laughing at those quotes. Surely there was some value in the unintentional humour?
But thank you for sharing that, KGB.
--
How many languages are you fluent in? I have only the one, so I take interest/envy in others having more.
- KGB
- Posts: 746
- Your TCI: na
- Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 12:44 am
Re: An essay on Menahem Golan's 'A Dangerous Dance'
I speak Hebrew, Spanish (my first language) and English. And thank you very much for the comment, I thought nobody will care for the post. At least my suffer has been rewarded.
INTERESTING FACT: Speaking of Kishon (sadly, I haven't seen films by him and those will be very hard to track, but my interest of him grows more and more every time), a long time ago, Golan decided to adapt his succesful, award-winning play, 'Ha'ketuva', to cinema. After reading the adapted script, Kishon sent a kind letter, and in a very polite way asked Golan why did he ruin his play. Golan, on his behalf, waited for Kishon to die to produce the film, which was, by the way, a commercial flop.
INTERESTING FACT: Speaking of Kishon (sadly, I haven't seen films by him and those will be very hard to track, but my interest of him grows more and more every time), a long time ago, Golan decided to adapt his succesful, award-winning play, 'Ha'ketuva', to cinema. After reading the adapted script, Kishon sent a kind letter, and in a very polite way asked Golan why did he ruin his play. Golan, on his behalf, waited for Kishon to die to produce the film, which was, by the way, a commercial flop.