The Wasp Woman (1959)

[ShogunRua]

I was explaining this old "creature feature" over chat to a friend, and realized just how unintentionally hilarious this was;

It starts out with an old, mad scientist speaking in an accent that I'm guessing was supposed to be Eastern European (of course). Although, being Eastern European myself, no one from there actually speaks English that way...

At the beginning, he's working at a bee plant, and being a crazy bastard, he talks to the wasps. That's right, a mad scientist bee-keeper, complete with white outfit, visor, and everything! Not only does he converse with the wasps, he is unafraid of them, and treats them like family.

Sadly though, tragedy strikes for our friendly Mad Scientist, because he is fired by the foreman for fiddling around with the royal jelly of wasps, which he claims will reverse the effects of aging, instead of working on the royal jelly of BEES like he's supposed to. Rather than plotting a dastardly plan for revenge, though, he just slinks off, and that's the last we will see of that bee colony in the entire film...

Meanwhile, in a big city, Janice Starlin, the found and owner of a cosmetics company humbly called "Janice Starlin Enterprises" notices her company's sales are going down. According to the graph, it looks like 50% at least, but we're told it's actually 14%...

She asks her assembled staff what the reason might be. They stare blankly and uninterestedly back at her, the way they would at some annoying schoolmarm. This gives us the impression that they're bumbling incompetents, although oddly enough, I don't think that's what they were trying to convey...

Janice then individually calls on some old fart on the company payroll. Keep in mind that she is in her early 40s, and this guy is 60+. He resents being called on, makes an excuse about not feeling well, and menacingly looks at Janice for disturbing his snooze. At this point, we're introduced to the only two members of her staff that matter.

One is this fellow in his 40s who always has a pipe in his mouth and is posing with it like he's in a goddamn catalogue. He has this incredibly arrogant tone of voice and look on his face that makes you want to kick his ass; we'll call him "Mr. Pipes".

The other is an enterprising, handsome, arrogant young man in his 30s; basically, like a douchebag version of Don Draper, with none of the humor, wit, or emotional depth. It takes a while, but finally, the crappy Don Draper (let's call him Con Craper from now on) offers a possible fix. It's not the fault of any of them, oh no. The blame lies solely on Janice Starlin.

At this point, Janice asks him if he has proof. So of course, Con Craper chastises her for daring to interrupt the man who is talking! (I swear to God I'm not making this up) Being put in this situation, Janice has only one option. Namely, she apologizes.

Then, Con Craper proceeds to talk down to his CEO and boss in his explanation, his words just dripping with contempt at the stupid woman who signs his checks. His explanation is that ever since the company was founded, Janice Starlin had also been the main model for the cosmetics line. (Seriously?) And since she was getting up there in years, she was no longer modeling their products, and the absence of that familiar face caused their sales to plummet.

It's the most implausible explanation for the failure of a brand ever. (I guess Calvin Klein jeans also became unpopular as soon as Brooke Shields stopped modeling them....oh, wait....)

However, Janice Starlin is satisfied by this, and thanks Con Craper...apparently, for insulting her. He walks off with a sly grin and starts off his work day...by ruthlessly hitting on Janice Starlin's secretary.

At first, I was confused why he would be into her, considering she's not very attractive, and he could do much better. Later, when they let slip the detail that she had paid for dinner the last 3 times they were out, it made perfect sense. Despite being an executive that probably gets paid at least 5 times what she does, Craper just likes women paying his way.

If you haven't realized it yet, Con Craper is the hero of this film.

Janice, the only one in the company who apparently works (no wonder their sales are going down!) takes an appointment with our Mad Scientist, Dr. Zinthrop, or as we'll call him from here on out, Dr. Z. At this point, they go to a laboratory, and Dr.Z injects a serum containing the wasp's royal jelly into two old, miserable-looking, bed-raggled hamsters.

As a result, they became much younger and healthier-looking! In other words, they are replaced with two much younger hamsters in the cage, which are clearly not the same hamsters at all... But hey, Roger Corman makes his flicks on less than $10,000, goddamn it!

So apparently, Dr. Z has figured out the way to not only stop aging, but totally reverse it. Because you know, any time you manage to hit upon one of, if not the greatest discovery in the history of mankind, you instantly offer it to some struggling cosmetics company!

Here, we also learn that Dr. Z has a kind heart, because when Janice offers to draw up contracts, he refuses, because he says she is a good person and he trusts her. Apparently, even a mad scientist has more respect for Ms. Starlin than any of her own employees.

Janice has a certain condition for Dr. Z, though; she wants his first human test subject to be her. Dr. Z initially refuses, saying it could be too dangerous, but then quickly accepts.

So she gets these serum injections, which remind me of my own allergy shots, only if they were injected by a creepy mad scientist instead of some nurse in her 40s... Incredibly though, while they turn cats back into kittens in mere minutes, as well as hamsters, these weekly injections initially only make Janice Starlin only look about 5 years younger (I can't tell; she looks exactly the same to me) after a few weeks.

Meanwhile, Janice's employees, who don't know any details about what the hell Dr. Z is actually doing, talk disparagingly about the mad scientist. In these conversations, it's assumed that their CEO is a complete moron who has been successfully conned by a charlatan.

Then, Janice's secretary, dating Con Craper, steals documents from Janice relating to Dr. Z, and instead of making a copy and putting the originals back, simply takes the originals and keeps them for herself and the employees.

Actually, what's insane is that later on, it's revealed she DID make copies. And when asked why she didn't put the originals back, the secretary replies, "I thought we might need the originals for some reason!" So not only is this stupid film riddled with with plot holes, it makes the only important female character besides Janice Starlin a mouth-breathing moron.

(Films like this make me think that "Mad Men" isn't such a stretch when it comes to how women were viewed in the workplace in 1960...)

The pipe-smoking moron, who is apparently the only one who understands anything remotely technical/scientific (Con Craper is too cool for school) says what Dr. Z wrote is interesting, but he needs to investigate the lab further. So as soon as Dr. Z leaves the lab, Mr. Pipes enters.

Incredibly, it's UNLOCKED. Because, you know, with the priceless secret of eternal youth floating around inside, there's no need to even lock the door. This will also be important because in every subsequent scene, the lab door will in fact be LOCKED, and require some type of force to open. But don't worry; it easily breaks open in mere moments each time.

Anyways, despite snooping around for a while, Mr. Pipes takes no subsequent action. That's right; despite having a solid chunk of screentime and being the fifth most important actor, his contribution to the picture is precisely nil.

Meanwhile, Janice is frustrated that she isn't regaining youth faster, so she injects herself with a super-concentrated version of the serum that Dr. Z had in the fridge, not for human use.

The next day, she comes to work, and appears as young as a 23 year old woman. I will admit that she does in fact look younger here, and they did a decent job with cheap make-up to give this effect. Everyone compliments her on her new appearance, and of course Con Craper, who treated his boss like total shit before, gazes upon her lustily now, and finally shows her a small degree of politeness.

Meanwhile, Dr. Z is hard at work experimenting, and is attacked by a cat, who has gone feral from being injected by the wasps' jelly. So the Mad Scientist does the only humane and logical thing, and after beating the cat for a while, burns it alive in a furnace. (I adore cats, so even though it was a crappy and stupid film, I didn't like this scene one bit.)

Dr. Z then starts walking in a daze, and this eventually leads him to going outside, and getting hit by a random car. However, Dr. Z is apparently the victim of the most unusual car accident in the history of physical trauma. For you see, no body parts are injured whatsoever, with the exception of the head, where he has suffered brain damage.

Apparently, the car that hit him jumped 3-4 feet off the ground at the last moment, like some 1950's Low Rider, only hitting him in the head, and then immediately veering off, so that it wouldn't crush him underneath or mangle his face...(which is pristine in the hospital bed, of course)

In fact, this magical, flying car sounds like it would make for a more exciting film than this one...

In tracking down where Dr. Z went (Starlin is unaware of the accident; to her, the doctor just disappeared), there is a long, irrelevant scene with the detectives, and the reveal that the secretary had stolen documents from Dr. Z to Janice Starlin that could be used to find him.

What do you think Janice's reaction to having employees Con Craper, Secretary, and Mr. Pipes stealing from her is? Does she a) fire them on the spot? b) Suspend them? c) Threaten them, and give them a thorough chewing out?

Give up?

The correct answer is...d) THANK them!

That's right; Janice appreciate the concern they showed for her. I feel like if this woman were to get mugged on the street, she would offer the burglar to go back to her place so she can give him more money.

At this point, incredibly, nothing changes whatsoever. They track down Dr. Z, and after he gets a little better, they put him in a room in Janice Starlin Enterprises with his very own nurse. Who, despite wearing glasses, is the hottest little minx in this entire picture.

Anyways, Mr. Pipes is snooping around in Dr. Z's lab again one day, when Janice Starlin, wearing some crappy Halloween mask, jumps on him, and bites his neck to death. (54 minutes into this 73 minute mess, and we get our first kill, and the appearance of the titular "Wasp Woman"...and she looks absolutely NOTHING like what was featured on the promotional poster.)

Incredibly though, Janice Starlin can change back to a normal human being after the murder. (Well, of course she can, she just takes the mask off!)

In-between meetings with her staff with her face uncovered, masked Starlin kills some random fat guy maintaining the building, and later, the nurse, but not Dr. Z, who is right there...Incidentally, Janice, who apologizes to employees in response to being insulted and thanks them for stealing from her, has somehow turned into a cold-blooded psychopath, who covers up each murder like it's just a dirty pot.

In fact, she shows absolutely zero emotion about any of it.

Finally, in the climactic scene, the secretary is locked in a room with Janice Starlin, when her boss puts her mask back on and starts attacking the the thief. "That will teach you to steal from me...bitch!"

Incredibly though, while Janice killed the nurse calmly in Dr. Z's room, to finish off the secretary, she needs to drag her downstairs to the lab. Con Craper hears the screams, and is about to run for help, when wouldn't you know it? Brain damaged old Dr. Z starts talking normally and coherently again, and after being in a coma for over 10 days, springs out of the bed and runs towards what he knows is a horrible, hideous wasp monster, like a 20 year-old Soviet soldier charging at the Nazis during WW2.

Anyways, Craper and Dr. Z get to the lab, but horror of horrors, it's locked this time! No worries. Craper smashes the glass, and opens it from the inside. No blood, either.

What follows is a fight scene inside. At one point, masked Janice tries to kill Dr. Z, but Craper gets her off of him. Then, Dr. Z, none the worse for wear, throws a bottle of "anabolic acid" at Janice. An acid which doesn't fucking exist.

So what does the fantasy acid (probably from the magical flying car) do? It badly hurts masked Janice, and Craper takes this opportunity to push her with a stool through the window, where she plummets to her death, presumably.

This makes no sense, because at one point, Mr. Pipes was outside the window when snooping in the lab, so there's absolutely solid ground there.

As soon as Craper has finished murdering his boss, (with the one-liner "You won't EVER be talking back to a man now, you filthy BITCH!") Dr. Z drops down dead, having out-lived his usefulness. Con Craper is totally unconcerned with his death, Janice's death, or the deaths of the nurse, maintenance man, or even his friend Mr. Pipes.

The important thing is that the secretary is okay. Can't really blame him here; sex and food are powerful motivators.

The "film" mercifully ends at this point, with "THE END" scrawled on the final screen, on a background of wasps, with the movie's theme playing in the background.

And that's the other really amazing and noteworthy thing about this picture. I'm actually not exaggerating when I write that the music is the single WORST I have ever heard for a motion picture. Not only does it not mesh at all with the scenes, or add anything to them, it actually takes the viewer out the experience and is physically painful/irritating to listen to.

I also had a good laugh when trying to rank this film on Criticker.

Apparently, there was a re-make of "The Wasp Woman" released in 1995. Swear to God, some fucking assholes, long before re-makes became fashionable, decided that of any original script they could possibly do, or of any re-makes, the one they wanted to do most of all was this mess Roger Corman spat out in a week.

Then again, maybe they just wanted to add in a scene of Con Craper backhanding Janice?

[TheDenizen]

lol sounds like a real winner.

[snallygaster]

Thanks for the review; the movie sounds totally anabolic!