Celluloid Junkie - 2710 Film Ratings
Member Since: 31 Mar 2008
Check out Barthalen's...
|81 T9||Dune (2021) - 24 Jan 2022
"I knew I was going to love this, and I did. I sat back and let it wash over me. More movies need lasers that cut through everything."
|39 T2||Big Money Hustlas (2000) - 24 Jan 2022
"Oh god you guys it's so bad and stupid. Literally every scene is twice as long as it needs to be and the "jokes" are making most dead horses look un-beat. I have to admit there was one bit where I genuinely laughed and after that moment of shameful weakness I have made a months-long pilgrimage to atone for my sins. It was down a road much like a long hallway. It was a long way. It took me all day."
|80 T9||Psycho Goreman (2020) - 24 Jan 2022
"Yes, movie, you did good. Your journey has ended and you may now find your true place, a place of respect and honor in this man-child's heart. Yes, merge with me, so that we can becom- Wait, WAITWAIT ARGH, IT HURTS AAAA[explodes]"
|59 T4||Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021) - 24 Jan 2022
"Works best when it keeps the action scenes grounded. Well, that term is very relative with this kind of colorful superhero nonsense of course. But once we get to Wuxia Narnia, it all becomes an unengaging and even kinda embarassing boilerplate copy paste job. And they didn't even have the ring- I mean balls to feature the glory that is Fin Fang Foom. Cowards!"
|80 T9||The Empty Man (2020) - 24 Jan 2022
"Ooh, yes, I liked this. The prologue is a great mini horrormovie on its own, and once it turns into an investigation into an urban legend related disappearance that slowly morphs into cosmic-horror-creeping-into-our-reality, I was locked in. Features one scene straight out of my nightmares (the people around the campfire bit) which I hated/appreciated. My kind of slow moody horror that doesn't deflate with every reveal."
|60 T4||Future Cops (1993) - 24 Jan 2022
"Much like having me around, it's fun for the first 5 minutes but then the whole situation becomes a live-action cartoon where it's mainly embarassing or hilarious for all involved. Still, this is the best Street Dragon Mario Z Fighter movie ever made."
|77 T8||Nobody (2021) - 24 Jan 2022
"John Wick wipes off his guns and straightens his suit, having just shot the goat herder who turned out to be a secret assassin and the goat who turned out to be a secret assassin. He must've seen my shit-eating grin and eye-roll. "What, something the matter?" he growls. "Not impressed with what happened back there? You think you can do it better, huh? Who can do what I do?" I pause a bit for dramatic effect while starting the car. "Oh, I dunno... Nobody." We drive off, and I try not to laugh."
|76 T8||Possessor (2020) - 25 Oct 2021
"I like my Cronenbergian body-controlling assassin movies like I like my coffee; bleak, emotionally distant and at times deeply uncomfortable with surges of intense violence. ...Man, I drink some weird fuckin' coffee."
|32 T2||Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015) - 25 Oct 2021
"Everyone looks kind of embarrassed to be in this. I felt the same way watching. I couldn't suppress a giggle every time a character has a minor pause during their line readings when trying to remember [Random Japanese Name]. All the old and tired looking people (and plastic surgery atrocities) made this hard to watch at times. I can't believe it, but Tommy Wiseau was the best part of this movie. Simply typing that probably unleashed a demon from some arcane prison somewhere. Woopsie!"
|51 T3||Mortal Kombat (2021) - 22 Oct 2021
""We need a relatable everyman character!" says a movie exec who is so high on porcupine tranquilizers that they forget who the target audience for this is. Just give us 90 minutes of bloody and colourful nonsense without overexplaining or grounding it, ya bums! Ya cowards! (OK, ok, this wasn't all bad, but just too concerned with its bland story and franchise building)"