Headwound

Bio: No, I'm not dead. I cannot die. My own assistants tried to kill me, but like Rasputin, I notice not the poison and laugh at their icepicks. Shoot me in the lungs and I'll snarl and spit nicotine tar at you from the bullet holes.

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0 _7%

Batman & Robin (1997) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

WHY? OH JESUS WHY? I mean... Clooney was a vaguely decent Bruce... oh God WHY WAS THIS MADE? Even Alfred almost died because of this movie! Why can't THIS damn thing FREEEEEEZE in HELL? They say that if you put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter they'll produce Shakespeare. I demand a counting of the monkeys in this room, because clearly they just s*** on the typewriter and called it Batman & Robin. Thomas and Martha Wayne are rolling in their GRAVES! DAMN YOU SCHUMACHER! DAMN YOOOOOU!!!

0 _7%

Batman Forever (1995) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

Holy defecate in my heart, Batman! Nothing works in this movie. Two Face was written as Joker, Riddler wasn't "written" as a character, Nicole Kidman wasn't needed, Chris O'Donnell should have been thrown under a bus, and Val Kilmer should have had a better script. I mean... they play f****** BATTLESHIP!? The suits have NIPPLES?!?! Chris O'Donnel is to Robin as Jake Lloyd is to Darth Vader. I want to be Batpunched in my Batgroin.

95 _73%

[Rec] (2007) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

Screw the American remake. Like 'Let The Right One In', foreign horror comes to save us from the bland applesauce we churn out. The whole 'POV-camera' that was used in Blair Witch and Cloverfield might turn some away from this, but the story, the creatures, the actual scary parts are what make this so genuine. The acting makes it a lot more believable and spooky than it should and left me feeling very satisfied (albeit a little jumpy) with what I just saw.

90 _65%

The Thing (1982) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

Another classic that relies on your imagination and the use of animatronics to scare the holy everloving poo out of you. Instead of your usual horror movie where you're being hunted by a decently easy to spot murder machine, this brings you the feelings of paranoia. These people are trapped. Alone. In the middle of the Arctic. With an alien. That shapeshifts. Watching the cast go about their horrible journey of finding out who is the monster is a roller coaster you'll never forget.

70 _50%

Spawn (1997) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

I actually enjoy this flick. Forget the source material and just sit back and let this popcorn movie wash over you. For all it's worth, it's pretty lame, but the demonic fight scenes, the presentation and feel of The Clown/Violator, and just Spawn being a demon "hero" make it pretty easy to attach. You can have your Batmans (pretty, ritch, white), Supermans (pretty, middle class, white), Iron Mans (pretty, rich, white), but Spawn is a homeless ex-special ops hell-hero. Bam.

1 _19%

The Wicker Man (2006) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

This movie is perfect for watching a movie where you NEED a drinking game to keep up. Nicolas Cage is awesome at being himself - and that's about it. It's more of a comedy... leaves you feeling outraged and sad inside that such a beautiful story got adapted into this Frankenstein's Monster of garbage and filth and Cage. Don't get me wrong, Nicolas Cage is the only thing I'll watch this for. That point alone speaks volumes.

97 _80%

Alien (1979) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

Perfect example of monster horror. You never truly get a good glimpse of the thing that stalks the crew... that's left for your imagination. You never really know what it is and where it could be, the dark shadows deepen and the panic felt by the crew seeps into your veins as you're taken on this sci-fi horror ride of terror. Everything feels real because everything is a model or prop or foam rubber, leaving the only giggle-able things being the 1979 "super science space computer" technology.

98 _88%

Let the Right One In (2008) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

I've always felt that foreign films can do horror in such a right way that makes American films look like Barney. This is a prime example. There's no punches pulled, there's nothing that this story holds back that doesn't make you feel that welcomed form of being slightly uncomfortable that just GRIPS you by the lungs and SQUEEEEEZES. Nothing is watered down (pardon the pun if you remember the pool scene) and it gives you a feeling that vampire movies in a post-Twilight world can be FANTASTIC!

20 _34%

Shutter Island (2010) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

I wanted to love this because I love 1930s era crime movies. I ended up NOT loving this because of the ease of figuring out the movie within the first thirty minutes. It was like a slap in the face. That feeling you got when you watched The Happening and knew the twist when that no-neck jock drooled out his line about the bees and acts of nature that we just won't understand. The rest of the movie was just watching a confused guy walk around in a trench coat bein' all New Yorker with his accent.

99 _96%

Jurassic Park (1993) - Rated 30 Aug 2013

The classic. For 1993, the special effects are downright beautiful. Everything about this movie just works. It wraps around you like that hoodie your mother just washed. All warm and cozy. The suspense works, the action works, the smattering of CG and the emphasis on puppetry and animatronics gives everything a real feel that only can be relived from watching Alien or Predator, where the actors can actually have something to act against. Just a great, great, great piece of cinema.