Amsterdamned

Amsterdamned wants to be a lot of things. It wants to be a slasher movie … except the kills are either shot from a distance, cutaways, or bloodless. There is no catharsis, no visceral intrigue. It wants its main villain to be intimidating and unique because it’s a diver in the canals of Amsterdam … except that half the time, he comes on dry land, which means he’s walking around in flippers and scuba gear. I’ve seen how divers walk on land fully equipped. It’s impossible to be scared by that. It wants to have this air of mystery, like a giallo … but it forgets that, to do a mystery right, a movie must give clues and red herrings. The big reveal makes Mrs. Voorhees look properly built. The killer is literally impossible to guess, so the movie cheats the viewer. Not to mention that giallo movies frequently have an air of seduction or sexiness to it, and this movie is as seductive as an insurance commercial. It wants to have this rich cast of supporting players … but gives none of them anything useful to do. The main character has a daughter, and she’s given nothing beyond that. She has a friend that thinks he’s psychic, which plays into precisely zero percent of the plot. The lead and a buddy river cop have this backstory together that serves no purpose. I’d say everyone just fills a role, but several don’t even do that. It wants us to feel like the killer is stalking and killing random targets … and it is … except that they are so random, they’re introduced and murdered in the same scene. It isn’t like the primary and supporting cast are winnowed down. Every victim save one is introduced and killed within five minutes. Slashers are notorious for not giving victim characters deep story arcs, but this is ridiculous. It feels less like a slasher and more like an episode of Law & Order: Dutch Edition. I can excuse the bad dubbing and awkward dialogue. And I like that it takes place somewhere different. But that’s all there is to like. It’s two hours (too long by 30 minutes) of dullness, with an ending that is unfair.