Blame It on Rio

I’d heard that this was a bad movie. In fact, a terrible movie. I’ve heard that before, and found the reputation overblown, so I was curious if this would be one of those case. No. It most certainly deserves its reputation. In fact, I don’t think the reputation is bad enough. Even before we get to the elephant in the room, this movie is a failure in every possible conceivable way. The overuse of two songs in the soundtrack will have you reaching for a crochet hook to rip out your eardrums. For the movie taking place on location in Rio and hyping it up to be this majestic place, it shows shockingly little of the locale, confining most scenes to indoors. The two most memorable outdoor scenes are on nude beaches with literally dozens of topless women, giving this movie a leering eye that makes Porky’s look like Sister Act. And then there’s the comedy, or complete lack thereof. This movie is trying to be a screwball sex farce. It has Michael Caine playing the lead. Somehow, this movie not only manages to be bereft of comedy, the material is so wooden, the performances feel so reluctant, and the premise so terrible, the whole thing acts like anti-comedy. There are scenes that SHOULD be funny, lines that SHOULD elicit a chuckle, but the movie cancels it out and leaves a void where joy goes to die. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a movie designed as a comedy work so hard to extinguish its own humor. It is truly a marvel to watch this movie smother itself with a pillow. If that were the end of this, I could just say it was unfunny, give it one star, and forget it existed. If that were the end of this, this movie would have no lasting impact on me or the world. But that’s not it. There’s the Jennifer of it all. So, the premise is two guys in rocky marriages take their 17 year old daughters to Rio for a couple weeks. While there, Jennifer, the daughter of Michael Caine’s friend, seduces Caine. She is convinced she is in love. She is clearly troubled, as she is willfully reckless with her infatuation, flaunting it in front of her best friend/Caine’s daughter, and delusional about a future together. He is wounded by his marriage maybe falling apart, and while he knows what he is doing is wrong, he just can’t help himself, even as the secret keeps threatening to come out. And if that isn’t icky enough, when she interacts with her father, the movie lays on the “she’s still young” stuff way too thick. Lots of “daddy” and skipping and she mentions having just got her braces off and now has a retainer and keeps a diary full of flowery romantic teenage pap … but all that’s counterbalanced by the fact that the actress, Michelle Johnson, is CONSTANTLY naked. The movie can’t decide if it wants you to view her as the sweet daughter or the stunning sexpot, so it gives you both, which makes me feel like I should register for one of those lists people check when they want to buy a house and know their neighbors aren’t creeps. At least in a teen sex comedy, everybody’s young, so there isn’t this disconnection between characters, or a dichotomy in the presentation of one character, but here, with older men also looking to get laid, and the “romance” between an older man and a not-quite-an-adult girl that keeps pinballing between innocent lamb and sex-crazed maniac — and spending an inordinate amount of time putting her body on display — it feels skeezy. But hey, let’s make it even MORE disgusting; Michelle Johnson was 17 at the time of filming (and looks it) and got a judge’s approval to do nudity. That was a wonderful discovery I made after the fact. That underscores everything about her character in the grossest possible way. This whole premise and all the ick surrounding it take the anti-comedy to a new level. There is nothing funny whatsoever in this movie, but the idea of a 40-something year old man who can’t override his erection because a teenager shoves her naked chest in his face is repugnant on a moral level. It isn’t entertaining. It isn’t amusing. Even though the actress participated willingly, it feels like exploitation. This is the kind of movie nobody should want on their resume. Next time, I’ll trust the single-digit RT score.