Mortuary

The movie’s tagline on the poster, as well as most descriptions on streaming services, would lead one to believe this is a horror movie in the vein of a Phantasm. Something cerebral and horrifying, with people being buried alive or perhaps even embalmed alive. Instead, it’s a rote, by the numbers whodunit slasher. And not even a terribly good one. It’s a step above true B-level schlock like Slumber Party Massacre or Pieces, but it has aspirations of so much more and fails. The whodunit element fails on two fronts; the one red herring the movie offers — what looks like a cult or a coven led by the mortuary’s owner/proprietor is just a group of bereaved attempting seances — is dismissed almost as soon as it’s introduced. The movie tries to make you think there’s something more sinister, but gives you no reason to believe it beyond the movie more or less saying “no, really, we’re telling the truth!”. It’s unconvincing and unsatisfying. And so, when the obvious suspect pops up, it’s so evident, you can’t get invested in the whodunit because you’re a step ahead of the movie. The only thing you don’t know is why until the final act, and it’s a big pile of who gives a shit. The actors are game and they really try to elevate it, but it’s just a poorly constructed script that over-promises and under-delivers. And even as a slasher, it fails to live up to the bargain. Not counting the killer himself, the body count is four. FOUR. Three out of the four are killed the same way (impaled with a piece of medical equipment), and the fourth is lightly bludgeoned and left to drown. WHAT THE HELL. If you’re gonna be a slasher, the body count better be around ten, and the deaths need to be far more creative. Or even just varied in the manner of execution. Overall, while the movie is far more competently shot and acted than many of its ilk in the wake of Friday The 13th’s success, no amount of professionalism can make up for a dull script, an easy-to-solve mystery, and a minuscule body count.