Shark Exorcist

I went in with no expectations whatsoever other than it being terrible, and I still came away disappointed. This sets new standards for terrible. It is beyond all description. Every single element -- EVERY. SINGLE. ELEMENT. -- of this movie is a failure. Lighting? Every scene is shot on location, so you get whatever light is provided by the atmosphere. Sound? Sometimes, you can hear passing jets, or the wind drowning out the dialogue on the mic built into the iPhone they clearly used to shoot this thing. There's some scenes where the on-location shoot is in an area so noisy, they didn't even bother with dialogue or natural sound; it's just the "score" (aka, the demo mode on a keyboard) and people miming like they're in a silent movie. But that's okay, because those are times you're spared the Dialogue. Tommy Wiseau looks down upon the writer of this. It's not as "only passingly familiar with the English language" as Wiseau, but it's 100% more corny and unrealistic. Acting? The Geneva Convention was invented for a reason, people. I've seen better acting on America's Funniest Home Videos. Direction? There are Dutch angles here that are at greater than a 45 degree angle. And every woman in this movie has huge tits; I mention this because the movie wants to remind you as often as it can, by having almost every single one of them in a bikini. Somehow, even though the movie has no nudity, it still manages to feel more sleazy than a porn. And yet ... despite being shot on a budget of favors and coupons, despite every aspect of filmmaking being executed the same way Marie Antionette was executed, despite the movie's runtime being 71 minutes and 11 of those are opening and closing credits and having both a mid-credit and post-credit stinger ... somehow, this movie is amazing to watch. There's something so disturbing, amazing, and hilarious about a movie as far removed from professional as this is. I've seen Friday The 13th fan films with more budget and effort. I've seen cable access shows with bigger budgets. But the convergence of this movie's monumental and infinite list of failures is a sight to behold. If you go in thinking "I gotta see how bad this is", you might find yourself enjoying the stupidity of it and riffing on it.