Soul Surfer

I came downstairs from work to see my child had put this on. I never had any intention of watching this. I knew enough about it to assume that the movie would be a standard-issue inspirational movie about someone fighting against a personal setback to find personal satisfaction. I expected no surprises and no originality. The only thing I didn't expect was that the movie was almost defiant in being this way. It not only didn't want to surprise, it actively avoided them. It wasn't just unoriginal, it considers being so an accomplishment. Soul Surfer follows the formula with the rigidity of a marching soldier. Perhaps the only thing surprising is that, in being so incapable of escaping from the narrow tracks it has set itself upon, it crushes any potential emotional impact the movie might have. You know she's going to rush trying to surf again, she's going to fail, she's going to have self-doubt (which we'll get back to), she's going to see something that "puts in all in perspective" (which we'll also get back to), she tries again, and she gets a moral victory. I've seen teen sex comedies in the 80's that are more experimental. This isn't a movie, it's a "hang in there!" kitty-on-a-laundry-line poster in motion. And if it were JUST all that, this could be dismissed as a harmless but wholly forgettable and inessential movie. But in an attempt to squeeze some emotional resonance out of the audience -- perhaps being an acknowledgment of the movie's basic ability to render the characters as anything but templates -- the movie goes to some pretty crass lengths to manipulate them. I am by no means discounting how much of an impact losing an arm could have on day to day life. But the way Soul Surfer presents it, it's as if she's paralyzed from the neck down. Oh no, she can't undo a twist tie on a loaf of bread! She can't tie her hair in a pony tail! And the worst of all, "how will a boy ever love me?". You're a pretty, petite, athletic blonde who spends half her day in a bikini. Gimme a break. And when she's at her lowest, she goes on a church mission to Thailand to help with food relief to an area that has been hit by a natural disaster. All of this is a true story, so I'm not questioning the validity of it. It's how the movie portrays it, as some realization that she doesn't have it so bad, something I find deeply offensive. Just because she isn't starving in poverty doesn't mean she can't feel negatively about her position in life, and it's shameful that the movie pushes this emotional manipulation the way it does. Also, good lord, Carrie Underwood should never be allowed to act again. So, yeah, Soul Surfer would be the most bland, anodyne piece of fluff if it weren't for its gross attempts at manipulating and shaming the audience and its own characters. There is no reason to watch this. No human being could find inspiration in this soulless drivel.