Suspiria

Drew Magary once described Guillermo del Toro as "Michael Bey with an anime collection", and I agree 100%. Both champion the mentality of style over substance, marginalizing or minimizing a strong narrative and deep characterization in favor of visual spectacle and cinematic sensationalism. Now, having seen a Dario Argento and hearing about others from fellow horror fans, I'm convinced he's horror's GdT/Bey. This movie is NOTHING but style. It's pretty style, for sure. The use of colored filters, as well as the colors on the set, and off-kilter cinematography, is unique and noteworthy. It has a visual style like few other movies I can think of. But visual style will only get you so far. You have to have something behind it. Look at movies like The Witch, which use stunning cinematography and direction, as well as visual thematic elements, to enrich the narrative. Argento's direction and visual style is here in a vain attempt to paper over the mile-wide cracks in the drunken scribblings on the post-it notes that make up this movie's "script". Whatever story exists is the absolute minimum necessary upon which to hang this movie's stylings. The movie almost forces you to make assumptions because the script isn't in the least bit interested in telling you anything, not when it can linger on things like a ceiling shot of two women swimming for thirty seconds and saying nothing, or changing color filters because someone woke up. And what little story there is gets undermined at every step by the laughable dubbing that never fits the physical acting or expressions. People sound excited and look sleepy; people look happy and sound angry. I know this movie has developed a cult following. I know it's considered an artistic achievement in sound and sight. But I'm sorry, I expect actual movie in my movie, and I'm in the business of overlooking a movie lacking anything entertaining because it looks pretty. A pretty plate with nothing on it doesn't fill my stomach, and that's what this movie is. If I want to see nothing but trippy visual effects, I'll drop some blotter and to a carnival funhouse. When I want to watch a movie, I expect to be entertained. Suspiria is far too busy naval-gazing with a green color filter and putting on the pretentions of being a FILM to remember to get off its lazy ass and be a MOVIE. Hooptober 2021 #14/24