Terror Train

Hot horror movie take: Prom Night is grossly overrated. It’s slow, it lingers on pointless moments that add nothing to the story, the mystery element is obvious, the kills are vanilla, and the entire movie is predicated on the tired “group of people played a prank that went haywire” trope that was already overplayed in 1980. It gets by on a hokey, late-night-on-cable corny charm, and Jamie Lee Curtis just being the early 80’s horror goddess she was. Were it not for that, it would be entirely forgettable, and even with those elements, its status still exceeds its actual quality. Why, you might be asking, am I extensively discussing Prom Night in a review of Terror Train? Because it’s Prom Night on a train. Literally. Group of friends, prank gone wrong, time jump, party, masked killer, dead bodies, JLC vs. killer in the final showdown. Other than a few tiny details like the location, the reason for the event, and the gimmick of the killer stealing his victim’s costume so he can blend in, it’s the same damned movie. Except about 75% SLOWER. Which is an achievement, as Prom Night already moves at a pace that struggled to be languid. Terror Train is so much slower. Hair grows at a faster speed than this movie. Almost everybody is off-screened to death. There are long sequences of watching David Copperfield do magic or a band playing, and what minimal momentum this movie has dies when it happens. And nobody is likable, because nobody is given any character development, or even a decent introduction. So, unless you’re a JLC completist, or wanted Prom Night to slow down, this is a must-miss. It has nothing original to offer, and nothing of its recycled content is done well.