The Shape of Water

I've never understood the anger people feel towards Michael Bay. I'm not going to sit here and say he's some misunderstood genius or amazing artist. They're big, dumb, noisy spectacles. His characters are wisps carried by the whims of the story instead of driving it. His movies are set pieces with the minimum-necessary connective tissue between to set up the next one. But here's the thing about Bay: he's HONEST about this. He's never once that I've seen tried to position himself as an auteur, nor his movies to be serious art. He's never tried to position Transformers to stand shoulder to shoulder with Vertigo. Anybody who claims to be disappointed in what a Bay movie brings to the table is probably also stupid enough to be caught unawares at the quality of food at McDonald's. He's cinematic junk food. And so is Guillermo del Toro. Yes, I'm serious. Drew Magary once described as "Michael Bay with a manga collection", and that is spot on. The only difference between Bay and del Toro is credibility with the nerd crowd, because del Toro obviously loves comic books and Battletech. But if you revoke his geek card, you'll see that del Toro is the same vapid, weightless director Bay is: spectacle over story, visuals over characters. He positions himself as A Serious Artist, but he's just as empty as Bay is ... he just can't admit it, and neither can his legions of fanboys. Somehow, he got rewarded for his mediocrity with The Shape of Water, a movie so bereft of substance, it's in danger of disintegrating as you watch it. The joke among the movie's few brave detractors is that it's "a woman wants to have sex with a fish", and that's not far off, but that hides the biggest issue with the "story". This is Splash. This is that episode of Gravity Falls where the merman is stuck in the community pool. And del Toro's script is almost proud of the fact that there are almost no alterations whatsoever. He can dress it up with good creature design and the world design all he wants, but it's seriously just Splash with substantially less humor, and all of the tonal dissonance. ESPECIALLY the tonal dissonance. As a matter of fact, it's even worse here than Splash. That had a weird, half-hearted action movie stapled onto an 80's comedy and a rom-com, but at least the action still felt light-hearted. Del Toro's direction shows he's a fantastic cinematographer but a lousy director, as he absolutely cannot balance the romance, the whimsical fairy tale he wants to tell, the sexuality, and the darker aspects. These things ram together like two mountain goats, none of them giving an inch, and none of them living or working together in harmony. You think this is going to be some weird family-friendly fairy tale until there's full-frontal nudity in the first minute and the lead is masturbating in the tub. You think this is going to be a whimsical romance until you see the creature bleeding and being tortured by Michael Shannon (who has an "I'm the bad guy" introduction only slightly less obvious than Judge Doom). Del Toro has all these ingredients and he forgot to cook them together. Or mix them in any way. It's like going to a music festival with Slayer, Phoebe Bridgers, Bone-Thugz-N-Harmony, and Ke$ha all sharing a stage. I give del Toro full marks for a lovely looking movie. The creature design is cool. Sally Hawkins puts in a nice performance, and Michael Shannon is a good bad guy. But The Shape of Water is dependent on its visuals the way someone in a coma is dependent on a a respirator and feeding tubes. It has no interest in developing characters beyond sketches of outlines. It has no interest in exploring themes any deeper than surface level, if it can even manage that. And it definitely has no interest in its story, other than as a vehicle for the visuals, judging by its complete lack of originality. Seriously, there is more emotional resonance and more of an arc in that episode of Gravity Falls than this, and that's a show made for 12 year olds that only runs 22 minutes. I'm not disappointed in The Shape of Water doesn't meet expectations. I'm upset because it insists it isn't what my eyes can see.