Tusk

I tried writing this a few different ways -- a clever analogy about classic rock bands, an open letter to Kevin Smith from the potential he had in the 90's -- but in the end, it felt like more work than this movie deserves. I'd heard so much about this movie, both good and bad. Going into it, I honestly wasn't sure what to expect, other than something crazy. I mean, "man surgically turns another man into a walrus" ... that's nuts. On paper. In practice, this movie is as crazy as putting paprika in potato salad. There is nothing -- NOTHING -- beyond the concept worth seeing, and the concept itself is so poorly handled, it's not worth the endurance test Smith has built around it. Every character is terrible here; Wallace (get it, cause it sounds like walrus? Isn't that funny?), played by Justin Long, is an abrasive, exploitive prick that cheats on his girlfriend. Ally, the girlfriend, cheats on Wallace, with his best friend and podcast partner. Howard is a mad scientist and serial killer. Even minor characters like the convenience store clerks are obnoxious. Nobody is relatable, so there is no pathos or drama to the proceedings. All you do is watch tiresome people be tiresome and do tiresome things. Literally the only character in this movie that isn't morally corrupt is Johnny Depp's outrageously French inspector, but he is as much of a tonal mismatch for this movie as Jason Voorhees would be in a Hallmark movie. His introduction is possibly the worst thing, as it slams the movie's momentum (which is already terrible, as this film moves at the pace of an archeological dig using a plastic spoon from Dairy Queen) into a brick wall. The walrus transformation should be the highlight of the movie, sort of a twist on Boxing Helena, except nope. Smith can't wait for the punchline, so he rushes it. Justin Long literally goes from human to walrus in a scene. He isn't slowly tortured and broken down; it's just one scene he's a human, quick surgery montage, bam, walrus. And once Wallace is a walrus ... that's it. The movie has to kill time waiting for Wallace's friends to find him, and it has to kill a LOT of time. And, by extension, your time, too. I struggle to understand how and where Smith went awry. He's a lot like Weezer; at some point, they went bad, and you can't pinpoint it, but you know it happened, because at one point, they were good. Kevin Smith has some truly good movies. But somewhere along the way, he got swallowed up by his own cult of personality. I applaud him for not playing to the mainstream, but there also comes a point where an artist has to step back from their art and recognize when it is representative of their talents. Smith hasn't been able to do that in a long time (not unless the word Clerks is in the title). Tusk started off as a joke on a podcast. It should've remained there. There is nothing of value here. The shock value of the concept can be gleaned from clips on YouTube. Otherwise, the movie sits there, inert and confused at why it exists, much like its protagonist after the transformative surgery.