Kojiless
Bio: My life in 500 letters or less.
Recent Ratings
Check out Kojiless's...
| 48 52% | I Am Mother (2019) - Jun 17, 2019
"A fairly middle-of-the-road take on the "sentient AI taking over world" theme that, at times, swerves slightly out of the KILLALLHUMANS lane. That the motives driving our new robot overlords are based in their original directive--value human life above all else--was bleak, if not expected. The subtle commentary on religion and what it ultimately provides in a robot apocascape was also welcome. Damn... Did I write a normal review? Well, we can't have that. Fart. Balls. Twatmuncher. Okay. Better."
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| 18 18% | Maria (2019) - Jun 17, 2019
"Lovers/assassins go on one last job together, but one refuses to kill the wife and child of the target and escapes to start a new life. For whatever reason, this drives the other too seek revenge on their former partner/lover. 10 years later, he finds her and proceeds to kill her child & husband, claiming " now you know how I feel!" No, I don't, sir. No, I don't. Good thing there are a lot of sports bra/panty shots or I wouldn't know how awesome the lead was at Kung Fu."
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| 20 22% | Book of Monsters (2018) - Jun 17, 2019
"As an American, I have an inherent, albeit utterly illogical weakness to any and all accents from the British Isles. I can listen to Michael Caine say his name for hours and laugh at how it sounds like "my cocaine." The ringtone for my proctologist is Sean Connery saying "I am your shempai." Book of Monsters has accents."
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| 38 39% | Room For Rent (2019) - Jun 17, 2019
"Sex-starved widow + Sonoran Desert heat + sexy Mexican - all inhibition x air bnb รท? your sanity = 90 minutes of free-flowing wattle and a cat that sees it all."
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| 34 35% | River of Death (1989) - Jun 14, 2019
"Michael Dudakoff did naught-akoff but wallow in a mire of internal monoloff while a hodgepodge of Nazis, cannibals, scientists, Interpol officers, and helicopter pilots who run Brazilian dwarf fight clubs bumbled about in search of Donald Pleasence. In other words, it was pure 80s. Canon pictures probably burned down 1000 acres of primeval rainforest making this film...and probably burned down another 1000 when they were finished just for the fuck of it."
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| 48 52% | See You Yesterday (2019) - Jun 14, 2019
"Time travel movies are a dime (or one score ha'pennies) a dozen so I no longer go into them expecting to be blown away by fresh takes on the concept. Instead of attempting to try something new with the science that would have just been pulled apart by cynical armchair scholars like myself, this film decides to embrace the cliches and instead offer a change in the way of characters and setting (though, those are pretty cliche, as well, mind you). Luckily, that was just enough."
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| 24 25% | Lake Bodom (2016) - Jun 08, 2019
"Rumors of a grisly murder at a remote campsite in Bulgoslovania turn out to be a hoax until they turn out to be true until they turn out to be a hoax until I turn off the TV. What I learned from this movie: the bottom of every lake in Europe is strewn with rusty Volvos and the weighted down bodies of co-eds."
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| 38 39% | Black Site (2018) - Jun 06, 2019
"The year is 1997. Synth pop, 80s fonts, and Elder God deportation has taken the world by storm, making it hard for an honest ninja cultist to get the divine blood she needs to keep the pep in her step. Luckily, one cloudy-eyed katana-dancer has a plan, and that involves braving the shitty dialogue of both friend and foe to slice her way into the most heavily guarded government facility this side of the Paris, Texas DMV's reading room. But this isn't her story. This is a story about fonts."
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| 28 28% | Roman (2006) - Jun 06, 2019
"Master-welder Lucky McKee consumes pork 'n beans & Mexican beer for 90 minutes while acting like a dick to every woman in his ghetto apartment complex, but somehow still manages to get in both of their pants. I need to move to So-Cal."
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| 14 14% | Rim of the World (2019) - Jun 03, 2019
"Rim of the World is an autobiographical tale about how McG lost his father in a fire, couldn't ride a bike until he was 13, and once was forced to perform oral sex on an illegal alien. Possibly funny if you thought Goonies didn't have enough jokes about blow jobs."
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