Alice, Sweet Alice

It is far easier to present this movie’s many fundamental, comprehensive, and catastrophic flaws as a list than as a narrative.  - It isn’t edited so much as it is hastily cobbled together at the last minute. Imagine pouring glue on a poster board and pouring out the contents of a jigsaw puzzle, and you have some idea of how this was “edited”. - More close-up wide-angle lens shots than every Puff Daddy and Missy Elliott music video combined. It is jarring and terrible. It fails to build tension in the same way missiles fail to reinforce the structural integrity of buildings. - If a movie is going to have a police investigation as a story element, having them accomplish nothing sure is a choice. Having them be utterly inept and get everything wrong is also a choice. - A guitarist wearing boxing gloves wouldn’t handle their task as poorly as this movie does handing the religious themes. I’m never been Catholic (I’m not even religious), but I know enough to know this is either the product of a very bitter ex-Catholic or someone who just wants to dump all over it for the sake of edgelording.  - For a murder mystery to work, the story must either present a glut of potential candidates, or none at all (unless you’re Colombo). Insisting that one character is the prime suspect, but constantly giving the audience reason to doubt it, but also not providing any red herrings along the way, isn’t developing a mystery. It’s unfair. Worse, it sends the wrong message; if the movie can’t convincingly portray its prime suspect AS a prime suspect regardless of their guilt or innocence, why should the viewer care about the mystery? - Almost every relationship in this movie is antagonistic. I don’t need every movie to give me love and happiness, but nobody in this movie seems to like one another. It’s unpleasant. And since very little of it is explained, it all feels like grist for the plot’s engine. - Maybe don’t hinge your entire mystery on a coincidence of wardrobe? - We’re supposed to simultaneously feel scared of and sympathetic towards Alice, which is already paradoxical. But it’s also impossible because she’s an obnoxious brat. She’s not scary, and she’s certainly not sympathetic. She’s just an asshole. - [Spoilers] If you’re gonna try to pump up a 12 year old girl as the killer but then reveal it to be an elderly woman … well, don’t, because that’s stupid. The full grown woman has a good foot of height on the child, and a totally different build. And maybe don’t show that in the first shot of the killer, because it undercuts the entire mystery. - [Spoilers] And maybe, just maybe, don’t try to tie the motivation back into religion? It doesn’t make the statement about religious-driven guilt and harsh judgment you think it does. Not to mention that, the moment any viewer starts thinking back to the killer’s motivation of punishing the wicked in the parish and thinks about the victims will realize it doesn’t hold up. - [Spoilers] What was the point of introducing us to the mother and Alice as the main characters, then pivoting to the father for 2/3’s of the movie, when he wasn’t going to survive? This isn’t Psycho. This isn’t even that fourth Psycho movie that was a made for TV movie. - That ending is not nearly as creepy as it aspires to be. It’s too busy being nonsensical and pointless, while also feeling like the movie ran out of time and had to wrap up so someone else could use the set. You know how the ending of Chinatown — the improv’ed line “Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown”, and the two characters walking away —  only came about because of writers block? This feels like what would’ve happened if, instead of letting the actors riff, they just … stopped. Not only no resolution, but openly acknowledging no resolution within the movie. - Lastly, how are you so damned BORING, movie? How is it you can fail in so many spectacular ways, while also being profoundly dull? I get more excitement picking out socks in the morning. The screen saver on my Roku is more interesting to watch. Never mind a gear that actually implies forward momentum, this movie fails to get out of park. I came into this movie awake, thanks to a nap, and I leave it ready for bed. Thanks, movie.