Blood Beach

On the same night, my wife and I watched this and Dark Water. Both movies made promises of what they'd be, and then broke those promises. Dark Water at least had the decency to have a great cast and still tell a decent story, even if it wasn't the one it was logically building. Blood Beach, on the other hand, did not do that. Look at that poster. Look at it. Young, attractive woman in a bikini, being swallowed up by the beach. The tagline satirized Jaws 2's tagline, saying "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water ... you can't even get to it". And it was made in 1980, as trashy horror movies were just starting to rise in popularity, and creature features from the 70's hadn't quite worn out their welcome yet. The stage was set for one of two kinds of movies: a cheesy, low-budget creature feature, like a precursor to Tremors, but on the California coast, with tons of splatter and T&A. Or, a cheesy, low-budget horror comedy about a sentient, omnivorous beach. Either way, that poster and the circumstances around it should add up to something campy, stupid, and fun to watch for riffing purposes. What if I told you that, instead, you get the following: A subplot about a harbor patrol officer seeing his ex-fiancé after 7 years and dealing with the feelings coming back, even as he's in a romance with another woman. A police procedural, investigating the deaths and maulings at the beach. Blood in absolutely one (1) scene, and it isn't even a kill, but an insulting and grotesque set-up to have a sexual predator get his genitals chewed off. And a decapitated dog. T&A only occurring when during said SA scene and when one victim is pulled underground and, for some reason, stripped naked despite no other victim having that happen. City council meetings, where budgets are argued about. A wacky cop from Chicago, but has a New York accent. Lighting provided by a dying gas station cigarette lighter, and sound provided by a mic positioned a quarter mile from the shoot. A monster design seen mostly in shadow, and for all of 10 seconds, before the end of the movie. And a tone too serious and straight to come back around to be funny. Blood Beach is played as straight-forward as an episode of Law & Order. So serious, the movie is boring. A movie about a subterranean monster eating people on a California beach, with this name and that poster, is somehow serious and boring. Every moment of this movie is a drag to get through. My wife and I stopped riffing, because there is nothing to work with here, other than pointing out plot holes (of which there are so, so many) and contrivances (in equal amount to the holes). The acting, the editing, the direction, everything on the technical side, the writing, everything about this is a chore to watch, and it shouldn't be. That name and poster should make this a classic B-movie schlockfest, the kind you would see on USA Up All Night or TNT MonsterVision back in the 90's. This wouldn't get re-run on HBO at 3 AM the year after it came out. It's that bad.