Donkey Punch

Someone looked at Very Bad Things and said “what if it happened on a boat, and we took out all the gallows humor?”. What you’re left with is a movie that takes 40 minutes (almost half its runtime) to for the story to kick in, which means you’re stuck with a bunch of vapid, drug-addled, selfish idiots who have all the depth of a teaspoon for quite a long time. That means the last 60 agonizing, tedious minutes of this movie are spent watching the amateurish script bend and contort itself in an effort to find ways to get people to turn on one another. As soon as one of the swoll bros asserts themselves as the head psycho, they’re taken out, and the mantle gets passed to the next one, even if it betrays the character they were up to that point. Tension is non-existent, because you have to actually be invested in the stakes, and the stakes here are “terrible people making terrible decisions to cover up previous terrible decisions”. You can get away with that in a dark comedy, because the comedy is there to highlight the absurdity; that balance is not here, which is how you get this shitburger of a movie. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that using the fabled titular sex act as the inciting incident for the plot is childish,  shock value garbage, a way to bring eyes to an otherwise boilerplate movie. It easily could’ve been “girl gets drunk, trips and hits her head on a table”, or “guy OD’s”, or any number of other circumstances. Going the route they did shows how much they knew this movie was bin juice. It’s a cynical marketing ploy: see the movie that dares to go there! Don’t take the dare. It’s not worth it. The only reason I’m not going lower is that this movie is too boring and lazy and predictable and adherent to tropes to hit that level of offensively bad.