Evilspeak

It gets half a point for Clint Howard, because he always tries. It gets half a point for the gore effects at the end, which are fun as all hell. The rest of the movie, however, can eat a bag of hammers. 75 minutes of relentless bullying of Howard's schlubby Coopersmith, and I do mean relentless. For all that Stephen King gets criticized for his cartoonish and simplistic bullies, Evilspeak takes it to a whole new level. I know the movie wants us to hate them and cheer for them to face retribution, but their bullying is beyond believable. I couldn't be invested in their facing justice because I couldn't believe they were that malicious. Couple that with how the teachers and authority figures at the military academy in this school seem to despise Coopersmith as well just because he's a sad sack. There's a scene late in the movie where Coopersmith gets assaulted and humiliated at a pep rally by four classmates. The commanding officer approaches as the bullies are running away. He can see Coopersmith is on the ground, he's been pantsed, and four boys are running, and somehow Coopersmith is held accountable and kicked off the school soccer team. The level of animosity everybody has for this kid is unjustified at the most basic storytelling level, and it is everywhere; janitors, teachers, even the school chaplain doesn't like him. It doesn't make sense, other than as a storytelling device to elicit sympathy, but it doesn't work because it's impossible to believe. And again, all this merciless piling on of the main character lasts for 75 of the 90 minute run time. It is exhausting and monotonous. But then again, this movie also wants you to believe that, because this kid found a book from a long-dead Satanic priest, he decides to invoke Satan using his Apple II computer because ... bullies, I guess? I was bullied in elementary school, and several of my friends dealt with it too, and I can't say any of us thought of communing with the devil because of it. If you're thinking "bullied kid gets revenge with supernatural assistance ... sounds a lot like a gender-swapped Carrie", well, yes, it is. That may be the dumbest part of all here. This movie hits almost every beat of Carrie, stopping only to make some cosmetic changes; a boy instead of a girl, military school over high school and a deranged fundamentalist mother, black magic instead of telekinesis. Beyond that, everything else -- the bullying, the lone sympathetic friend who is otherwise pretty useless to the overall story, the final act massacre in a confined space -- it's all there. Evilspeak adds nothing. In fact, by its very format, it takes away from Carrie's formula. Carrie, for its flaws, has arcs and characters with motivations. You feel bad for Carrie, but you also know her vengeance is too much. The story never feels childish or immature. Hell, even the opening scene of Carrie taking place in the girls' showers isn't about prurient lust and the male gaze. Evilspeak does none of that. The bullies are future serial killers; Coopersmith's backstory and character arc do nothing to define him, and his vengeance feels justified, And Evilspeak is most definitely produced for boys. I really, really did not like this movie. After hearing it described on a podcast as a fun cheesefest that goes absolutely bonkers in the third act, I was interested and looking forward to some dumb 80's horror movie fun. Instead, I can see why this has faded into the recesses of forgotten 80's horror movies. And it deserves that.