Heavy Metal

Believe it or not, I like stupid movies. The Bill & Ted series are wonderful. I love Friday The 13th. I think Beavis & Butt-head Do America is one of the best animated movies ever. But stupid movies still need something at the center of them to make them endearing, whether it’s gore, or heart, or putting stupid characters in a smart world. Heavy Metal is just stupid. Empty, pointless, charmless, and devoid of anything lacking intelligent thought. It so clearly wants to be “adult animation”, but it’s so clearly aimed at teenage boys; a hard rock soundtrack, explosions and blood, rugged anti-heroes, and every woman has tits like watermelons, curves like an hourglass, and put out on demand. In that regard, I imagine this is Frank Miller’s favorite movie. But for the rest of us, it is juvenile in a way that feels forced and, worst of all, lame. It’s the pastor’s son listening to death metal. None of its 7 or so short stories even try to world-build or establish characters or tell a story. They’re a vehicle for some crazy visuals (and in that regard, it gets credit, because the animation is very eye-catching) and male wish-fulfillment. It’s every airbrushed mural on a Chevy van as a movie. It’s the movie you get when you smoke too much pot and try to write a story from album covers of Iron Maiden. I’m okay with a movie not trying to be more than it is, but I’m not okay with a movie not trying to be ANYTHING, and that’s Heavy Metal.