Holidays

Unlike other anthology movies, Holidays doesn’t have a wraparound story to tie everything together. Rather, the through line is thematic: short horror stories about holidays and the traditions therein. Holiday themed horror is nothing new. You name a holiday, or even just a folk holiday (Friday The 13th, April Fool’s Day, etc) and there’s a horror movie about it. So Holidays already has something of an uphill battle, as almost all of the holidays represented here have well-known horror movies associated with them. I’ll give them all a mini review. Valentine’s Day — a very short (10 minutes maybe?) piece about a shy girl with a crush on her diving coach, but she’s relentlessly bullied by teammates. The coach needs a heart transplant. Helen Keller could connect the dots here. Shot and acted well, but the story is a nothingburger and ends abruptly. 4/10 St. Patrick’s Day — weird. Like, Ari Aster weird. There’s far too much going on here to summarize (a woman wishes to have a baby but ends up pregnant with a snake and also maybe joins a cult?), but the story also feels like its missing elements, likely because it’s so abbreviated. It’s weird. I’d be interested to see it expanded upon in a full length movie. Barely has ties at all to the holiday, more to Irish folklore. Did I mention it’s weird as fuck? 7/10 Easter — think The Santa Clause. Only a child just sees the Easter Bunny and has to replace it. And the bunny is a disturbing Dr. Moreau-like human-bunny hybrid, but also bearing the wounds of Christ, and baby chicks come out of the wounds in his/its hands. And the child does not want to do this, so the transformation is kind of like the kids on the island in Pinocchio. And the mom maybe gets horny after praying? I’m not even religious and this had me spiritually uncomfortable. Memorable, but not in the best ways. 5/10 Mother’s Day — our second story about a woman pregnant and a cult. A coven, if you want to be specific, but whatever. This also has the most out-of-nowhere ending that just piles on to the many, many questions this story about a woman who cannot avoid getting pregnant raises. A story that might be better if given more time, but the harsh cut at the end and litany of unanswered questions makes the story unsatisfying. 5/10 Father’s Day — easily the best of the bunch. Creepy, ethereal, kind of reminds me of Carnival Of Souls but, you know, well acted and not corny. A woman goes on a scavenger hunt of sorts for her father missing 20 years or so. That’s all I want to tell you. 9/10 Halloween — from Kevin Smith, and it shows. More gratuitous f-bombs than a teenager playing Call Of Duty. A tacky, sleazy story about cam girls who may or may not be held captive (the story is unclear) getting revenge on their manager in the most Kevin Smith way possible. You should’ve retired after Clerks II, sir. And stop casting your daughter; she’s terrible. 2/10 Christmas — Seth Green (the biggest star this movie has) buys his kid a VR headset that lets “you see you”, which apparently means “whatever is convenient to the plot”. Fondest desires, memories, events that happened not long ago, events happened from the perspective of the dead … whatever the story needs. I guess the idea is okay, but without structure, it just feels sloppy, and the end isn’t the twist it thinks it is. 6/10 And lastly, New Year’s Eve — like with Valentine’s, if you can’t see this lighthouse-obvious story coming a mile off, get help. Lazy, dull, will be forgotten before I go finish this sentence. Is this a grocery list? 4/10 All in all, mostly missable stories. St. Paddy’s is memorable for how bonkers it is, and Father’s Day is truly excellent. The rest is barely tolerable to mediocre, with Kevin Smith’s being an atrocity.