Prince of Darkness

Wow, was I surprised by this one, but in all the worst ways. This has such a cult following, and a ton of 4* ratings here on Letterboxd, so I had some expectations. I was hoping for an awesome, atmospheric movie, anchored by Donald Pleasance. And as the movie started, it had some promise, setting up an interesting theme of science vs. faith. Unfortunately, this movie is not interested in fulfilling that premise. It is not interested in approaching that premise. It presents evil as a scientific fact (as in, an actual, measurable equation and physical substance), and pretty much leaves the effect of this on faith to wither and die. In fact, I would say this movie isn’t capable of broaching it anyway, as it is too busy being bogged down by its many, many, many other flaws. The pacing and editing, for instance, are an absolute mess. This movie doesn’t seem able to convey how much time has passed, except to say that it does. It often wants to rush through and/or away from scenes. It feels like an impatient small child, pinballing through the many corners of a story without actually letting any one moment sink in. This isn’t helped by the massive cast of uninteresting crude sketches shaped like human beings. There’s gotta be a dozen people in this movie; it introduces maybe 25% of them, and develops half of that. I literally just watched it minutes ago, and I can remember: Donald Pleasance as a priest that goes unnamed, even in the credits. Victor Wong in one might be his only role I’ve ever seen where he isn’t playing an Asian stereotype. Bland white guy with a porn-stache that’s 10 years too old for being a college student. Bland redhead woman. White thin guy. White bald, fat guy that’s 15 years too old to be a college student. Whiny Asian guy. Black guy. Blonde woman. Woman with glasses. Woman who may or may not be Asian, because the actress is but the script says she isn’t. I can’t tell you a damned thing about any of them beyond they’re all in college, and all look in their late 30’s. They’re mostly just redshirts. This blandness in cast is also impacted by not having a central protagonist. By not having one voice stand out among the rest and lead the charge, everybody sounds the same. Nobody is important. And the threat is so convoluted, it defies comprehension. I feel the need to explain it here, because I need someone to understand. Satan has been imprisoned in a huge glass container that locks from the inside and is represented by a swirl of green liquid that looks like a Shamrock Shake. Satan wants to bring his dad back to the world. To do this, he has to pour himself out of the canister into the ceiling, so it can then pour itself into a few servants, who will move the canister close to a chosen one. This chosen one will drink gallons of the green liquid Satan, so it can pull his dad through a mirror. YOU GOT THAT? THAT is the evil plot here. That is Ocean’s 11 levels of unnecessarily complicated. The acting from anybody that isn’t Wong or Pleasance is wooden and dull. The John Carpenter-produced score — normally a strong point — is unceasing and unmemorable. If it weren’t for the two name actors giving it their all, this would be a half star lower. Even as is, this is a RiffTrax movie if there ever was one. Unintentionally corny, messy, boring, nonsensical, and ill-conceived. As far as I’ve seen, it’s Carpenter’s worst movie by a country mile.