The Grinch

I want to set the table here with some behind-the-curtain info about how I use the star ratings. I treat two and a half stars as average, because mathematically, that's the midway point. Five stars is reserved for the best of the best, movies that hit every mark and evoke the emotional response in me that they're seeking to do. They are the best representations of their genre. And then there's the half-star movies. These movies don't just fail in every conceivable way at what they're trying to do, something about them makes me angry that these movies exist at all. I try not to engage in hyperbolic rating as best I can. You'll notice the ends of the spectrum are my least issued ratings. I bring this up because this version of The Grinch breaks the mold for half-star movies, and to explain why, I have to bring up the other versions of The Grinch. I love the animated TV special. The animation is beautiful, the voice work is superb, the songs are great, and the story is impeccably told. I have no notes whatsoever for it, which is the opposite of Ron Howard's abomination of an atrocity of a horror show that is the live action movie with Jim Carrey. I despise that movie. The obnoxious cinematography, the grating characters, the attempts at humor that is screamed at the audience, the dated pop culture references, the design of the Whos, the bloated story, the ghoulishly odious characterization of The Grinch, many of the Whos being unpleasant jerks, the abhorrent message the movie delivers (if you're bullied, you have carte blanche to get revenge, even committing felonies, and as long as you show personal growth afterwards, you'll be forgiven!); there is nothing whatsoever I like about the movie. But I can at least say I see an artist's vision in Howard's movie. I find that vision an affront to all that is good and right with the world, but I see his passion. I see the movie's purpose, even if I think the movie is a war crime. That is why Howard's movie gets a half-star from me. This version is not abrasive like Howard's version. It does not punch the viewer in the face with its humor. It does not assault the eyes with garish character design. It does not present the Whos as unsympathetic, nor the Grinch as an unhinged, bellowing lunatic. The Grinch 2018 makes none of the mistakes Ron Howard's movie does. And that is the problem. Despite my hatred for The Grinch 2000, it has an identity. It stands apart from the animated special. I may find that identity as repellant as toxic waste, but I can't deny it exists, and that somehow, beyond all hope or reason or logic, it appeals to people. This movie has NOTHING. It has no reason to exist. Grinch 2018 takes Howard's movie, sands down every rough edge to the sharpness of a Kleenex, The Grinch is neither the conniving sneak of the cartoon, nor the cartoonish, malevolent whirlwind of Howard's movie; he's a milquetoast sadboi. I've seen more evil in the eyes of my dentist than this Grinch ever shows. To be clear, I'm not looking for Anton Chigurh here, he shouldn't be a malevolent sociopath. But he does need to be bad, so his realization of the meaning of Christmas, and his transformation into a better person can make any sense. Without starting off bad, there's no reason to care when he turns good, and this Grinch movie makes no real attempt to make his hatred of Christmas have any bite. I believed the other two Grinches hated Christmas; this guy just seems like an exasperated retail worker the day after Black Friday. The movie seems scared to engage with the requirements of the story it's telling. That leaves this version lacking any reason for being, other than a cash grab using a known IP. There is nothing to offer here other than bright colors and movement for small children. But it gets worse, because this comes from animation's most accursed studio, Illumination. Every cliché Illumination is known for -- minimal story, an addiction-level dependency on tropes, needle drops, dated pop culture references, toyetic character design -- is here. There is nothing here to spark imagination or stir emotion. If Netflix makes their movies to be viewed as a second-screen experience, this is the opposite; it is a visual soporific. It is to little children what a laser pointer is to a cat. You put this on and do whatever you need to in the background so your first grader is occupied for 90 minutes, because Ron Howard's version has some sexual overtones and humor that might be above their head (and might scare them, really), and the animated special is too short. Worst of all, The Grinch 2018 is PROUD of this. It is proud of executing the bare minimum. It is resolute in being the dictionary entry for anodyne. Ron Howard's Grinch may be divisive, but it exists for a reason. It grabs you by the lapels and makes you acknowledge it, for good or ill. This does not. It does not, it cannot, and it will not. It isn't designed to. This isn't a movie. This is content. This is a fourth quarter earnings projection spreadsheet in the form of a movie. This is an excuse to have a Happy Meal tie-in. Soulless. Formless. Unnecessary. Howard's Grinch angers me by how much it perverts and distorts the story, but at least he's trying. There is no effort here, no passion, no artistry. And that is why it gets half a star. It doesn't offend me by its own existence; it confuses me by it.