Thoroughly Modern Millie

When the wife said she wanted to watch this, she read me the description from the back of the Blu-ray case. I thought I knew what to expect: a musical romantic comedy, carried by the effortless charms of Julie Andrews and Mary Tyler Moore, a 1-2 punch of girl-next-door sweetness. Song and dance numbers. A light, breezy tone, but a simple plot bordering on basic. Brother, was I wrong. I was not prepared. There is no preparing for Thoroughly Modern Millie. It does not play by your rules, or any rules, even its own. It is concerned with only one thing: total, unwavering commitment to a world and a story so anarchic, so nonsensical, and so left-field, your only choices are submission or turning off the movie. An elevator that runs on tap dancing. Julie Andrews complaining about the size of her boobs because her necklaces don't hang straight. Blatant disregard for the laws of nature, science, and physics. Intertitle cards to handle internal monologue. Singing done in the character's mind that we hear, but also overlaps with dialogue. A sex trafficking ring. Yes, you read that right. A tribute to Harold Lloyd's Safety Last!. Thoroughly Modern Millie spends its two and a half hours throwing a million wild, incongruent ideas at the viewer, and it doesn't care if they stick or not. Thoroughly Modern Millie's stream-of-consciousness flow of ideas is like that episode of I Love Lucy in the chocolate factory; it never relents, in volume or speed. That is, honestly, Millie's biggest failing; the never-ending barrage is both too long and too persistent. This is an exhausting movie to get through. Entertaining? Surprisingly so. Energetic? Like an ADHD toddler juiced to the gills on Jolt Cola. But it is just so much, for so long, and it never takes a breath, that by the end, you may be lulled into a stupor from the all-out assault of kookiness. Especially in the latter half, when the whimsical romantic plot takes a backseat to the sex trafficking ring story, which has been percolating the entire time. It is a bold choice to include a plot about human slavery and sex crimes in a musical comedy about a woman trying to marry her boss, and I'm not sure it fits (especially with the hackneyed cultural stereotypes used), but the movie does not care. It motors on and becomes a wacky caper movie. It certainly does not flag for energy, that's for sure, and it never directly makes explicit what is going to happen to those kidnapped and trafficked, so as not to infringe on the overall tone of the movie. But there is still a severe disconnect between the natural whimsy of the first half, and the forced whimsy of the second. It really doesn't fit, and when, as a viewer, you're already struggling to keep up with the movie's frenetic pace, the latter half begins to feel a chore. Overall, I was impressed with Thoroughly Modern Millie's bold, try-anything-and-everything approach and unnatural inability to lose momentum, regardless of whether I wanted it to slow down or not. I was never bored, that's for sure. Could I see myself revisiting it? Not by choice, no. It's far too much for far too long, like an all-you-can-eat candy buffet. But I appreciate that it is so unlike any other musical I've ever seen, and Julie Andrews is incapable of being boring. If you like musicals, and you've never seen it, it's worth checking out, but it's unlike anything you've ever seen. If you don't, the movie's irreverent refusal to stick to the genre's structures and rules might appeal to you. You just may need a nap at the intermission.