TonythePony

*mumble* Hi, I'm John Rambo and I'll be your tour guide. On this trip we'll see some non-white people eviscerated, limbs amputated and skulls evacuated by a surgical hail of bullets. Also, rifle bullets will launch people 15 ft. During the tour I may stare blankly into space for minutes at a time, but don't worry I won't be thinking. Some locals will be brutalised, but no raping of white women, that's just naughty. So sit back, relax as we crack open some people-shaped tomato soup cans */mumble*

32 _4%

$Weekend at Bernie\$

Weekend at Bernie's (1989) - Rated 27 Apr 2008

When I was 15 I got paralytically drunk at a friends party. I now wonder whether I also starred in a feature length film.

86 _86%

FLCL (2000) - Rated 21 Feb 2009

As an introduction to anime it's an eye-opener, the attitude being to kick arse first and screw your questions. A dazzling amalgam of visual styles comprise the action sequences, the cutting sharp and inventive, stopping short of being epileptic. A warped yet playful humour extends itself to the inscrutable plot, winking as it give you the finger. In its quieter moments character touches are spot on; emotions rendered and nuances captured. A mind-blowingly odd experience.

44 _10%

Species (1995) - Rated 27 Apr 2008

Lame Sci-Fi plot with nothing mammarable. Don't arse me what Kingsley is doing here, butt even he cunt save this. Tit's not worth your time, breast to avoid.

23 _2%

Volcano (1997) - Rated 04 May 2008

The scene where everyone is covered in ash and some little dipshit points out that the racially diverse crowd now all look the same epitomises the retarded crapfest that is Volcano.

77 _70%

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) - Rated 20 Aug 2009

An experience. A creepy, gripping, unnerving experience. The title creates expectations of splatter and carnage, instead it's your tortured imagination that paints the landscape red. The low-rent actors hold up better than expected, Burns sustained terror is mesmerising (though Grandpa is pretty silly). The visuals are impressive for the genre, but the sounds are what truly linger; the chainsaw rasping and tearing for an eternity may be the closest any horror film comes to scarring your psyche.

97 _99%

Aguirre, the Wrath of God (1972) - Rated 29 Jul 2009

Folly is driving this story, but is also readily apparent in the production. Instead of jarring you out of the experience this parallel swallows you whole... There is a madman loping around terrorising with his gaze, and you are now one of his captives. Disbelief is no defence. All there is now is a pervasive fog of derangement and the unrelenting flow of the river.

13 _1%

The Core (2003) - Rated 27 Apr 2008

Will drill its way straight to your heart... by way of your brain.