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TheDenizen

Celluloid Junkie - 3069 Film Ratings

Member Since: Apr 13, 2006

Location: Toronto, Canada

Age: 44

Gender: Male

Status: Single

Bio: I watch Kung Fu, Samurai, Exploitation, Action, Western, and Horror flicks. I can enjoy the classics, but I especially love low budget garbage.
more Featured Reviews
40 17% Robowar (1988) - Dec 14, 2010
"Shitty Predator knockoff which features a team of doofus mercenaries who plunge into an unnamed jungle to contain a military cyborg that has gone haywire and started butchering people with its laser cannon. It features the same POV shots as Predator, but the images are such grainy, pixelated messes that it's a wonder the cyborg can move, let alone lock on targets. 90 minutes of wretched actors shooting machine guns at bushes."
50 26% Speed (1994) - Aug 13, 2007
"Dude, You Totally Gotta Save the Bus: The Movie."
35 14% Kindergarten Cop (1990) - Aug 13, 2007
"This is a terrible flick packed with weak comedy and more obnoxiously cute kids than you can menacingly wave a .45 at, but it did introduce the phrase "It's not a toomah!" to our cultural lexicon."
75 74% Green Room (2016) - May 07, 2018
"A bunch of punk rockers accidentally see the aftermath of a murder and find themselves beseiged by a gang of neo-Nazis led by a sinister Patrick Stewart. Gritty and appropriately brutal, it offers up plenty of suspense and nasty gore. Some of the music is really good too, though a band of stringy teenagers playing the Dead Kennedys song "Nazi Punks Fuck Off" to a room full of militant skinheads would've been strung up before their set ended. Just saying."
80 84% Manborg (2011) - Nov 23, 2016
"In a dystopian future where the world is ruled by the armies of Hell and their leader, the demonic vampire Count Draculon, humanity cries out for a hero...and that hero is Manborg. Shot almost entirely in front a green screen, this micro budget Canadian feature is ridiculously bad but has tongue firmly planted in cheek throughout, making it a heck of a lot of cheesy fun. Picture Edward Scissorhands mixed with Tokyo Gore Police, with bits of cheap animation spliced in. It's lovely."
60 40% Ironmaster (1983) - May 09, 2013
"A tribe of stone age cavemen figure out how to make iron swords, and immediately begin subjugating the other primitive tribes in the valley. So, a caveman finds a lump of metal after a volcanic eruption, and somehow intuits the process of smelting iron and crafting swords (don't ask where they get the metal tools to work the forge)? Suuuure. Unbelievably dumb and cheesy, but it's still strangely entertaining to watch George Eastman rampaging around like a madman wearing a severed lion's head."
60 40% Clash of the Warlords (1985) - Dec 08, 2010
"Cheesy Post Apocalyptic flick made in the Philippines in the 80s. The main guy is a barbarian called Rex who uses a mini battleaxe to fight in a big arena, Thunderdome style. The bad dude Malzon has an awesome half-metal mask with a bunch of spikes and shit and at the end they fight with light sabers. Total gonzo insanity packed with cheap gore and machine gun battles, it's only 70 minutes long so it never gets too boring. Fun crap."
75 74% Rumble in the Bronx (1995) - Aug 13, 2007
"The first Jackie Chan movie I ever saw and still a sentimental fave. This flick was an epiphany for me, the action was beyond anything I'd ever dreamed possible. Rumble in the Bronx sparked my love of kung fu and ruined most North American action films forever for me."
90 95% God Bless America (2012) - Jan 03, 2013
"A middle aged loser and a high school girl go on a killing spree to murder people who deserve to die. This is Bobcat Goldthwait's eloquent and extended "Fuck You" to vapid American pop culture and it's glorification of crassness, meanness and stupidity. Managing to be both blackly funny and incredibly thoughtful, and making inspired use of a few choice Alice Cooper songs, this film will likely go down as the pinnacle of Goldthwait's career. There's also a dead baby."
65 51% Geek Maggot Bingo or The Freak from Suckweasel Mountain (1983) - Dec 03, 2012
"It's a no-budget mish-mash of Frankenstein and Dracula, with non-actors giggling their way through scenes of incoherent dialog, shot in front of hand painted backdrops of the sort you might see in a children's play. The sound is choppy, the lighting is inconsistent, the editing is a mess and continuity seems to have been a foreign concept on set. It's either the worst piece of shit ever, or the world's greatest homage to Ed Wood. I'm leaning towards the latter. "