Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

Goddamn, I hate this movie.

Top badass moment? The language, it’s major stellar. I'm actually going to start saying "zetus lapetus!" In a pink and lilac future, where Chelsea Clinton is president, young women dress like they're in a keep-fit VHS, laptops are thick enough to weaponise in a brawl, everyone drives a Volkswagen and boy bands with Dick Van Dyke accents still exist, alpha extreme hero Zenon saves the day. It’s inky, but it’s hard to hate something so sincere. Zoom zoom zoom. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations.

1999 futurism is cool, but I had trouble feeling engaged with it and some things bothered me about it.

I don't care, this is great. Corny as all hell, iffily acted, featuring painful CGI, & with a fairly half-baked plot if we're being honest, but great nonetheless. Why? Because they made an entire vocabulary of nonexistent slang just to use in it. Because tiny Raven-Symone is in it. Because Zenon is actually a pretty solid character who does intelligent things and sticks up for both herself and her friends without any thought to the consequences. And because zoom zoom zoom.

My wife saw this on Disney+ and suggested we watch it based on her fond childhood nostalgia. Let’s just say it was an illustrative lesson in how sometimes fond childhood nostalgia should remain just that.

It's a little known fact that Zenon is the greatest movie of all time on the basis of being the most 90s movie possible. My score is not a reflection of this fact, nor is it a reflection of the shite quality.

oh don't you love nostalgia

If this is life in the 21st century on a space station show me the air lock ! - Truly bad.

zoom zoom zoom

Bad.